It sounds like we're in the same boat. Unfortunately, I can't really give you too much advice because I haven't actually made my decision either. But, I have come to terms with the fact that my feelings for him have changed so much that living together is unhealthy for us and our kids. At this point in time I can't trust him and I can't be there for him on his long journey through recovery. I've gone through too much to be able to handle the stress that comes along with it. I think we'll probably end up separated for awhile once we determine how we'll handle the kids and if things go well we may end up getting back together. What I do know is that letting him take me down with him only hurts everyone.

I don't think there's ever a clear answer as to right or wrong, but you need to follow your instincts. Good luck and keep in touch.

Thank you for your note, your words give me courage.

I wouldnt say divorce is the right thing, but maybe seperate for a while. It might make him think about what hes lost, and might make him sort himself out. One thing i can promise you is that as long as he is an addict, things will continue to get worse. Do whats right for you and your child, however hard it is.

does anyone have an issue with their AH addict husband) in regards to him being abusive?? I am too scared to tell mine i want to separate..or rather divorce...i think there are too many issues with mine..its not just the drugs....he has been violent and abusive and i have been told that is a separate issue.

Well my husband doesnt get violent, he just gets very abusive and it happens in front of the kids. I know deep down that i should leave but i also dont have the courage

I really can see myself in all of these scenarios...he is not physically abusive however, making me feel worthless, and that I am to blame for always fighting is his way of torture. I have asked him to go, but he then takes our only car, and then tells me that he is going nowhere, because he pays the bills just like me. I can't spend my time at the court house, especially now that jobs are not secure....I have struggled for 10 years and the off again on again, is very hurtful. I have lost myself, I don't know who I am, I constantly cry, very depressed, no friends, I don't say anything to my family, I am ashamed, that I let myself get into this. It is very hard...

well i havnt been here since last yr, i asked my husband to leave in august wen i finally got the courage. i didnt do it for me, i did it for the kids. my 10yr old daughter started having stomach trouble which the doctors say is caused by stress. 9mths on and he hasnt once tried to quit. i still love him as much as i always have, and i always will, but i had no choice. jus recently wev been spending a lot of time together again, but this was a big mistake. i feel totally destroyed, helpless, sad, lost, and so many other things. its makin me ill. i know things are never gonna change. in my case i believe divorce IS the right thing.

I just left a similar situation. I have a two year old and a 5 month old. My boyfriend has never gotten violent with me until last weekend. He pushed me into a wall in front of my two year old little boy. I was knocked out for a while and when I woke up he was gone and my son was still crying. It changed my little boy. I had to go. I hope to God he doens't remember any of this as he gets older.

I know it would be so much easier to leave if he were just a bad person that hit me all the time or was abusive in other ways even... but it's not him. He's NEVER been like this unless he was high, and this is kind of a new problem for us.

I don't want to loose my family but I don't want to become a part of an endless cycle. Mostly for my kid's sake. I love him but I'm not willing to jeopordize my children's happiness for him unless he can make a change. But then again, can an addict really change their ways?

Reading everyone's post and I see me in all of your posts... Cronic circle of lies, broken promises, Pleading for anthor chance, My man is not phyically abusive but can be I know before we got together he assulted 3 police officers and 2 emt when he was brutal beating his ex girlfriends new man at the time. He was in prison for this for 4 years. I really don't think he'd do that to me , but his blackouts and some of the other actions hes done is past can only repeat. .. How do i Get out? Who can i talk to going to my family Would be just ONE big I told you So... I know my bro would be there but He is 1200 miles away. Being a Addict and sober for 15 plus years he helps me spot things and looking for signs that he might be taking something again. I'm just overwhemled and drained..

I really needed this to know I am not alone. My husband has been an addict for years that I can't remember when he wasn't. I have gone through so much and because I don't believe in divorce myself I have stuck by but this past summer he attempted suicide and that was it for me. I honestly think it was a cry for help because our marriage was pretty much non existing except we did live together and we have a handsome now 4 year old boy. When I found him I was ran over by emotions I tried to be passionate and ask him to get help he didnt listen and took off out the door so I called the police because although I thought it was a cry for help and don't think he would have gone through with it I didnt know for sure so I thought he was a danger to himself and he was admitted to hospital overnight and released the next day. I took action I finally had enough I was willing to stand by him if and only if he would get help he wasn't welcome in my home until he went to rehab. After a few days of not being allowed home and not seeing his son he finally called and admitted himself to a detox center. He got out only 5 days later and I told the counselor my concern but he said he was ready and they can't hold him against his will.. Things were great for a little while then 2 months later I suspected he fell off track and I was right again he promised he would stay clean and I watched like a hawk and recently I have noticed all the signs once again and he admitted to me he hasn't been sober but his reasoning is "It's not as much as before" and he needs me to help him figure out what he can to do stay sober. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore I am constantly sick with wondering and worrying not wanting to say anything if he really is sober but I know the signs after all of these years and I don't want him to think I will deal with it as well but again I don't know if I have it in me to stick by someone who keeps falling off. Then I feel bad because I know it is a disease but I am so emotionally and physically drained and don't know what to do...I have lost myself in all this and I just want me back...

reading all of these posts really helps me feel as though I am no longer alone in this fight. I can't talk to family or friends because one they would never believe that my husband is an addict, even though he's been one for years....and two...I don't want anyone to look at my husband any different. He is not a different person, he just has a problem. I get so mad at him and it hurts so bad when he walks through the door high. we have 3 small kids and I just want to pack up and leave every time. its like a punch in the face. but he is my husband, the love of my life, the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. And if I don't help him through this trial, who will? I know this is a never ending process, but He is still worth it...to me. I will protect my kids no matter what they are the most important thing to me...but I can never figure out which will hurt them more...if I leave too soon...or not soon enough. I don't want them to be damaged by this either way, but my husband is still a good man....he is still an awesome daddy....and he is still the love of my life. we took vows...for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse...til death do us part....and I am standing by my word...and by my baby. even when he is high...even when he is at his worse...I can still look into his eyes...look passed the demon that has taken over his body for that brief time....and see his soul...and I know ONE day...my husband, the man I fell in love with, married, and had kids with, will come back to me...and he will be healthy and happy and WE will be okay....we will be US again...so If i have to carry this burden and keep this marriage going...just me for a while...I will do it...because I know one day, my husband will come back and help me pick up the slack. he is worth it to me.

UPDATE: I haven't been on here in a while but i have been dealing still with all of the same things. My husband was still using and once again drained my bank account. I became months behind on rent and car payments. So why do I stay? FAITH & HOPE that one day he will overcome this disease and things will be better. So I stayed but took control of finances. I changed bank accounts to just my name and started paying bills myself with the exception of my cars because he started giving me reciepts whenever he would buy anything or pay my cars well guess what it was all a fake. He paid my cars for a while then started writing out his own receipts pretending like he paid them. I was blind to this fact until one day he showed me a reciept from two months before, that was it for me I found out that I was back to being 4 months behind on my cars and flipped. I didnt give him any ultimatums this time just kicked him out of my house and wouldnt talk to him or let him see my son. Although I never believe in keeping a child from a parent he needed to see that he lost everything. He since admitted himself into detox and stayed until they decided to release him and he went to his outpatient meetings along with going to NA meetings almost everyday. Even when he was released I didn't allow him home I didn't want him to think everything would go back to the way it was I refuse to live my life that way anymore. It took a while but I recently have let him back home but with the understanding that this is it the last time and he seems to know that ( I also know he may not truely understand that because I have taken him back numerous times) All I want is honesty and because he is an addict I know it isn't going to be an easy road. If he were to relapse but told me himself right away then I will be the loving supportive wife and work with him to do what we need to do to keep him from it again but if I find out on my own that he uses again then that will be it I will have to stop trying and move on with my life because I deserve happiness and I do believe in my marriage vows in sickness and health until death do us part but I already feel dead so its time to live even if that means apart for a while....

I also see myself in almost all of these posts...my husband generally drinks and smokes pot on the weekends to the point of oblivion. Usually he leaves and comes home in the wee hours and sleeps until 10 or 11. I've stopped cleaning up after his binges and let my son be as loud as he wants in the morning. Done tippy-toeing around him. Twice I've come home in the evening and he was high (1st time) and drunk and high the second time, with our son in bed crying for me. My son also has had anxiety and stomach issues this year...he's seeing a therapist and is diagnosed with social anxiety. My husband and I don't fight...just don't talk much as I've detached a great deal. My issue is trying to figure out what is best for my child...a complete home with these issues or a separate home which is happy but having to send him to his father's periodically....

Sharing custody, while I understand the importance of my son having his father in his life, is very scary to me for many reasons.... So I've been coasting so that I can avoid these tough decisions but am starting to wonder if by trying to keep things good for everyone, I'm actually hurting my son more than helping.... Thoughts? Opinions?