Hi There Lietome

I am exactly where you are but perhaps a little further along as of this month. My partner who I have been with for 18 years has been snorting cocaine and gambling for the past five years. I do not know him, I look at him and he looks like the same person but when he opens his mouth he is a complete stranger. I have tried to talk to him and occassionally he has opened up to me but let me just say this NOTHING WORKS - I feel like you, responsible for him, like I have to fix him, my life revolves around him and I am very codependent, do everything for him (too much if truth be told). Well, just recently you could say I have come to my senses, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE UNLESS HE REALLY WANTS TO - It's not about not loving YOU enough, they don't love themselves and until they do they are incapable of loving anybody else. You sound like a wonderful person and I think it is time to look after yourself for a change, it's hard to do but what I have done is take what I call baby steps, one each day or one each week whatever you feel comforable with. Like I used to call him every morning and now I don't - I would always call and see if he was OK and needed anything, now I don't. I used to be having a good day until I called him and then after our conversation I would feel, helpless, useless and unworthy and most unattrative. He will only change when he is ready to do so himself, I know this may seem hard but you deserve so much more and only recently have I jumped that hurdle. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was his inappropriate behaviour and lack of respect for me and this Valentine's Day he sent me a card (he doesn't normally do cards) then he gave it away because his friend needed one for his girlfriend - AND HE HAD WRITTEN IN IT !!!!

I was in the same place, and you can't fix him! He will get clean when HE is ready and not before. My husband even went to detox to get off the Roxicodone and withing 3 months was buying pills from his friends. It's been almost a year since he's been back on them, started with Vicodan, then percocets and now also Roxi and he gets them from the doctor again. He is now AGAIN in the process of trying to get off them by himself. I really think this time he's serious. I pray for God's guidance to help him thru this and I thank Him for getting him thru it. He was just like what you have described and I was just like you WHY??? I have also had to change the way I react to the stupid stuff like him falling asleep on the toilet. He hasn't gone as far as giving away used greeting cards but has done some real weird shit like I don't know if I'll have time to pick up a anniversary card for you because he had to go pick up a washer for a friend! OK that was like a kick in the teeth. Got the card though, he actually admitted how stupid it was.

Hi nmr and Lietome

Just checking in to see how you are both doing. I am feeling a little bit better today, just keep taking my baby steps to do something for myself for a change and it is working, I know it is hard and I am finding it really difficult but the more baby steps I take the better I am feeling. You are soooooo right nmr you cannot fix him he will do it when he is ready and not before. Just wanted to say to you two lovely ladies that you are worth so much more, do something nice for you today, something you want to do, it's tough but it's worth it x x x x

Big hugs to you both.

I'm doing pretty good. Baby steps Baby steps. One other thing that helped me is to "Just let go" our bible study was about that a couple months ago and it really helped me.

And I finally just got tired of driving MYSELF crazy by obsessing about it. I got better things to do!
Thanks for you concern
NMR

Hi everyone

I'm in a very similar situation as the rest of you. I have lived with an addict for the past 23 years. Half my life. For the first few years we did drugs together until I got scared straight, however, my husband didn't. We have gone through some terrible times because of his drug addiction, but yet I still stayed. We now have a 15 year old daughter who has finally stood her ground with me because I have said for the past few years that I was going to leave her father and I haven't. She recently refused to come home until he left. That really made me see how the situation was affecting her. As hard as it was I told my husband he had to move out and get help with his addiction. I am so scared about the future, but not sure why I should be. I have a good job which pays me well. We own a house and I can manage the bills, however, I haven't been single since I was 23 and I am now 45. I have no family that live nearby and very few friends, but my husband's family is very supportive and so are the few friends that I do have. I know now that I have to think of my daughter's future as well as mine and that my husband is responsible for his. Maybe someday we can be together again, but not right now. Every once in awhile I feel weak and want to ask him to stay, but I know that's not the right thing to do right now.

Stay strong everyone.

I just joined the group and am not sure that anyone is even still reading this discussion, but it's cathartic nonetheless. I, like many of you, am facing the very thing in my 15 year marriage. She is great at convincing me that I'm crazy for labeling her as an "addict" even though she's been to treatment/detox two times in as many years. I'm the man, though, that is having to support and take care of all of the finances while she makes her money and uses it "at her discretion" if you know what I mean. She's even trading pills now to use and "gets clean" long enough for me to feel safe and then goes back to using. I've sworn I wasn't putting up with it again and have recently done the 2nd hardest thing ever = called an attorney. The hardest thing will be to show up next Wed for the appointment and file.

Stand your ground and be strong ~ no one will take care of you if YOU don't.

I just joined this group also. Its amazing we all have such similar stories. My fiance just went into a treatment program 30 days ago, he signed up for 5 moths. Things were going well I was proud of the progress he seemed to be making. He had me come in Saturday for a meeting with the doc and him. He then told me he can't do this with me anymore, he doesn't want a relationship with me. We are expecting a baby any day now, I nearly feel to the floor. Here is the man I have stood by taken to the ER so many times when he ODs. I have delt with the lies, etc and here he is leaving me. He says he wants to be friends. when I asked about the future he says he doesn't know all he knows is right now. I am trying to be strong and see that he needs to put all his focus on his recovery but my heart is so broken.

Reinamary I bet you are so hurt, I don't really know what to say but the only bit of advice I can give you at such a terrible time is to say that you need to focus on yourself and your baby, I know that is hard but you seem to have done exactly what I have - been there every step of the way for him and forgotten about yourself, I became terribly co-dependent with my partner and lost myself along the way, you need to find yourself again and know that when they are in addiction they have no concern for anyone else but themselves, maybe as he recovers he will see things differently in the meantime you need to take little baby steps like I did, one day at a time and do something nice for YOU and YOUR baby, make it about you for a change. I know this is hard to do when you are so heartbroken but just do a baby step everyday, it was the only way for me.

I am here if you need me.

Big hugs to you.


Kayster x x x x

thank you Kayster for replying to me. I know I need to make this about myself and my children. The problem is I don't know how to do that. that must sound crazy its the truth though, I don't know what that looks like. I still talk to him, he wants to be friends I am trying to be friends but it is so hard not to keep up my hopes that he will come around. Any advice on how to take care of my children and myself- put us first??? Im going to an al anon meeting today, my second time. thank you for any advice

reinamary, you are more than welcome and I will be here for you when you need me. I know you don't know how to at the moment and probably think that you never will know, but you WILL, you, like myself have probably spent so much time catering for his needs and your children you have completely lost who you are, I know that I did and I was exactly where you are now. The fact you are attending a meeting will help because there will be people there in the same boat as yourself. Just know that it is not about them, nothing is about them, you need to make it about YOU, you are entitled to be happy and have a happy existence reinamary just as everybody else is, you will see that eventually and you will be able to cope, just try doing something different everyday, I know it seems hopeless because that's how I felt, but just remember nothing changes if nothing changes. The first steps are by far the hardest to jump but like I say if you make the baby changes even if it is something silly that you do differently you will start to feel better very slowly, I am here if you need me.

With big Easter hugs to you and your children.

Kayster x x x

Im sobbing as i write this. Thank you for the message. Nothing changes if nothing changes- I love that. I just started reading a book Co dependency. Gosh that was written about me. I am working the activites in the book, Im trying its hard as you know there are just times, mostly as the day is ending that I just cry. When people find out what has happened they are shocked. No one saw this coming. He said to me our relationship was unhealthy, wow really I wasn't aware of that! I told him everyone around the addict becomes unhealthy if they weren't they would be there. The baby will be here anytime my due date is the 20th, Friends have told me I should give the baby my last name, what do you think. Thanks again hope to talk more soon

Hi Reinamary

I think you will know what is the right thing to do instinctively once your baby is born (bet you have baby with you right now!!!) I know you were very close to your due date. His comment about the relationship being unhealthy was correct but unhealthy for YOU not HIM, he has moulded you and drove you to where you are you need to dig deep and jump out back to YOU. This is a family disease reinamary and sometimes we become as sick or if not sicker than the addict themselves because we drive ourselves crazy trying to help and understand what they are going through. I had a good comment a couple of weeks ago on the boards, one lady said she was so tired of analysing it all and feeling so low and poorly she just learned to let it go, not anaylse it or worry to distraction about it or try to help 24/7, she just let go and felt better than she had in years.

Hope you are doing ok, thinking about you and here if you need me.

With much love and hugs

Kayster x x x x x x