That is so sad. Unfortunately problems that existed before an illness like alzheimers almost never go away just because a parent or loved on has developed the illness.
Unfortunately they may come a day when this girl wakes up and wishes she'd spent time wiht her dad and by then it will be to late but it's not just kids who are filled wiht anger and hate who avoid their ill parents.
I've seen way to many friends deal with siblings who can't face seeing their parent change and fade away and I know most of our kids do not call or write like they should if they really realized how sick their dad is. One son keeps wanting him to fly down for a big family get together.
I know at some level Brian knows his dad is afriad to fly, he knows I just won't fly, I've told him his dad can't handle crowds of people and his family has always caused him some fear and confusion. He is reaching the point where he doesn't recognize many in the family if you show him recent pictures of them, he still knows them by their old pictures though. His dad hates leaving the house even to go shopping yet this kid wants him to fly thousands of miles and interact with a bunch all at once. I've given up trying to explain why this won't happen and tell him if he wants to see his dad while he still might know him to get his butt up here. The choice is his just like it's your step daughters.

I never thought I'd would feel this way but I actually feel relieved that she has told me this. I have always felt that she was a selfish, mean spirited person but, well, she's my husband's daughter so I have to be nice, I have to invite here, I have to be, etc and now I don't. I never have to contact her, speak to her, worry about what she thinks I can keep her out of our lives with a clear conscience. I will not be mean or anything to her, I just will not have anything to do with and it feels like a cloud has moved away. She was a cloud of negativity.

Doesn't it feel good when they let you off the hook by telling you how bad you are and you don't have to put up with them anymore. I had to put up with my SIL bad behavior for years because I married her brother! How dare I? It was my fault when he had a heart attack at 50 and it was my fault when he developed dementia as a result,even though he smoked for 40 yrs & dementia was in their family history. I never spoke to her again after the time she told me what a terrible person I was until she died and I have never even have one moment of guilt.

You can be sure she will blame you when he dies and will be crying the loudest at the funeral. If you don't have caller I.D. on your phone, get it, just in case she does happen to call you can just hand the phone to your husband without saying a word.

You know she is just blaming you because she feels guilty about not visiting. It is the old "blame someone else for your own shortcomings" game. Unfortunately, even our own children are visiting less & less because they are just "to busy" working. Other family finds it hard to work in a visit between their vacations and activities. Yeah, right!!

And remember...they have a history before you came into the picture too. Sounds like his ex did an awful lot of venting which always places a child in the middle...and feeling forced to choose sides. Very sad.

When I told my daughter about all of this (18) and loves her step dad very much, has lived with him all her life....she cried when I said that his 'bio' daughter thinks he 'deserves' this illness. My daughter said, "No one DESERVES this illness! No one!"

DelS,
I didn't wait to eliminate the "bad apples" from either of our family trees. We both grew up in such dysfunctional homes that I've made a practice to "test" family members.
I ask myself if I really like these people? Would I want them around if I weren't related to them? Are they the kind of people I'd chose for friends? If the answer to all of them are NO then we just don't have anything to do with them period.
We have "missed" many family gatherings over the years but not missed the fights and snipping that starts to take place after a short time. Neither of us need any of 'them' telling us how we didn't measure up to their expectations (like they are all so perfect, NOT). Blood may be thicker then water but it still isn't good enough to make abuse acceptable.

My counselor told me something a few years ago that I carry in my head...

"friends are the family you choose for yourself"

Friends really are family you choose. I have a wonderful friend who has been more support to me than any family member on my side or my husbands side. Even more support than my own 2 grown kids. Getting rid of the "negative Nellies" in your life is a big relief. We beat ourselves up enough without having to put up with someone else doing it for us.

I used to think I had to do and be whatever someone else thought I should be but never again.

I so totaly agree, over the years we have found our "family of the heart" and that has been so much more wonderful and supportive then any that came by blood.

Children dont own there parents. Parents have just as much right as their children, to maintain a happy life for themselves.Its too bad kids feel that they deserve full happy lives but their parents dont.