I am back from checking out an adult day place and here is why I am not going to do it at this time. First- it is a place where people go to die. I realize that is the reality but it is incredibly sad to see. The place was nice, clean, well run etc but the people there all look very, very sad. Ok I realize that all of these places will probably be like that. The second reason is because it is one hour away and is only 4 hours and then another hour back home so that makes a 6 hour day for me and what will I do in Sacto for 4 hours, most classes are about an hour? Also the VA will only pay for either Day Care OR in home respite. I would rather have the flexibility of in home and not be stuck with Mon- fri 8 -12. I usually need time in hours other than that.

I talked to his social worker at the VA while I was there about long term care and here is the scoop on that. If/When the time comes I will discuss with his doctor and his doctor will authorize. He will go to the closest contracted facility to our house so there are many in Sacto and Placerville. Due to his veteran status it will be 100% paid for, however, his veteran pension will stop-that is how it is paid for. However, his SS will not stop until he passes away. After he passes I will be eligible for a widow's pension. So there will be a time in between when money could be an issue for me, I will probably have to work and visit him in a home if I opt to go that way. At this time, I think I would rather just keep him at home and just keep increasing the in home care he is eligible for. In addition to a worker he is also eligible for a nurse to come to the house on a weekly basis and also any equipment, bedding etc that he may need as he gets worse. I put in for a bedside potty today for at night. Depends will be free. Any kind of equip will be free.

For now I am ok with this but reserve the right to change my mind. I think the most important thing for me to work on is "allowing" myself the freedom to do things without him and let go of the guilt. I have to accept that he may behave badly for Malorie (my worker, who is getting paid to do it) or whoever else is watching him but that is ok. There is nothing I can do about that.

The REALLY big thing for me is however- human contact so I will continue with this space to share, talk, etc . Yes, the kids are here but they are still young and I feel like I need to share with people who are older. It is incredibly hard whichever we go.

I love you all so much, thanks for reading