I know how you fill,even when I get away I always wonder how he's doing. I'll make several calls just to make sure he's okay.I can never just be out and forget about all this.

I'm seriously considering putting Jim in respite care at the local assisted living facility for at least one long weekend a month, just to have time to myself, even if it is just sleeping (none of us get enough sleep), but can't make that first move of even calling the facility to make a reservation.

We have long-term care insurance which pays for respite care but still I can't take the first step to put it in motion. Maybe soon....

The kids have given me a couple weekends away, but like the rest of you, I worry about him and call every day (at least once) to ask about him and if the kids are having a difficult time with him.

Hang in there ... we WILL get through this.

I am in the same boat, but I must live in isolationn due to chemical injury so I really cannot get away. Our biggest help is from friend who takes him out for coffee most mornings. It has made so much difference to both of us. Could you work something like this with a friend who has asked you what tney can do to help. I take a shower at that time and feel wonderful.

I do get out and the kids take him out sometimes, it's just even then I am still 'thinking' about him. Even yesterday, while I was having tea with my friend I was aware of, 'I shouldn't stay too long, I should get back home"

I hear ya.. boy, do I ever hear ya. It seems every thought, act, decision, conversation somehow revolves around Ron and Alzheimer's.
Even when I slip out the thoughts are NEVER out of my mind.. Is he outside, has he pooped, is he decorating, what has he eaten.. etc.
Even in church I find myself not listening.. but thinking about home.
Every conversation revolves around how he is, how is he doing. Once in a great while someone asks.. 'how are YOU doing'.. I almost don't know how to answer. Thoughts of me are so pushed to the back.. I don't know how I'm doing. OK.. I say.. I'm OK... I guess...
In the beginning I swore I would not let Ron's Alz take me down.. and I struggle every day to keep my personality, humor, self and mood UP.
We all have to fight to keep our spirits alive.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I am watching everyone else live I life that I am not entitled to. I get so angry when they tell me where they have been or what they are going to be doing. I try to put on a happy face and pretend that I am not bothered by it, but in reality, I am having a hard time accepting my situation.

Dibbie, the friend I was having tea with was showing me pictures of her recent vacation with her very healthy husband, I'm happy for her really, but also sad that I can't do something like that with my partner. They went on a sailing trip in the Carribean, can you imagine us out there in a small sail boat with our husbands? LOL

Often when I see a middle aged couple doing things.. simple things - biking, shopping - going to a movie I feel real tugs. I think it is just plain jealousy.

At lunch recently with some old friends, everyone was talking about their trips here or there, their latest remodeling projects, the new deck their husband built, the anniversary ring he got her...
Finally someone said.. "How about you, Jude ?"... I laughed..
said "I got nothin'... no trips, no projects, no gifts.. nothin".. I wanted to say I got shitty diapers.. but constrained myself :-D

I am 68 years old, I still have good health - I often feel these next IMPORTANT years (for me) are going to be lost. I feel resentment creeping in. I have already spent 6 plus years in this abyss.

I feel guilty for feeling this way.. and work harder to compensate. Maybe that's how this all works.

I think we are in a small boat with our husbands in the middle of the deep blue sea.

Recently at our church someone did some special music. One of the lines in the song stuck with me. It kind of describes how we feel some days ...

somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves...

I don't recall the name of the song, but that line sure hit home.

I don't know the song but, I can see where it would hit home.
Ken, was up several times last night looking for some guy. I kept telling him it wasn't time to get up because it was still dark outside and the guy also needed to get some rest.
It gave me an extra hour.

Hope your day goes well.

Boy can I relate to that.
Actualy I feel like I sort of "woke up" around the first of the year. I suddenly realized just how much of my life I'd let go of since Neal got sick, not just the not going places, visiting with friends and all that which we all seem to go through but my own life, the things that I'd always enjoyed that brought me pleasure.
Music was one of those things...Neal decided he didn't like music (this from someone who LOVED music when we first met), then it was music is o.k. if it's something I've never heard before...so slowly I found myself letting go, even gave away nearly all my c.d.'s after my player broke, didn't seem to be any reason to get a new one..never thought that my enjoyment was good enough reason.
Then there is the whole cooking thing. I LOVE to cook, o.k. I also love to eat and most of my life that has been a huge pleasure, planning and cooking for a large family but even after the kids were gone Neal loved my food, he would even take pictures of dinners he thought we especialy beautiful but now he doesn't care what he eats, often doesn't remember if he should eat and if he did if he liked it so I've found myself doing less and less in the kitchen and enjoying meals even less.
So many simple pleasure we let go of, often without even being consciousely aware of it. Now I'm working to remember these lost gifts and bring them back into my life even if Neal no longer enjoys them or cares, I still want to have a life.

I fully understand. Bobby has always been a fix it kind of guy. Now I must hire someone to do the repairs BEFORE he fixes them. Because if I wait and he tries to do the repairs it ends up costing me so much more. I used to love to garden and had beautiful flower beds and potted plants that got raves from friends. Well, now the beds are empty because Bobby has "weeded" them and my potted plants are dead because he didn't like them on the patio. I have given up having friends over, gardening and for the most part cooking family dinners. I can't even let the grandkids come over because he is so mean to them. And even yet, whenever I take an hour or two to get away, I know in the back of my mind I've got to get back home to watch over him so he doesn't hurt himself. We're still relatively young, we are 58 yrs old and he has been diagnosed for a little over a year, but I was aware of his problem for a year before, just couldn't get him to the dr.
I often see and hear of others in our age group doing things that we would have loved to do. It breaks my heart and I try not to put myself in a position to be exposed to that. But that means more isolation. A spiral downward. I feel sometimes like I'm being pulled down with him. But I won't allow it, I'm a fighter and I will survive and so will you.

Ah yes, flowers, did not even have flowers on the deck last year, first time since we built it there were no flowers, well I have the seeds and will get the potting soil next time I shop and I will at least have some flowers this year, besides the beds that I need to weed...I did give that a real try last year but the rain and my own inerta made that less then a real success.
At least Neal does not try to help do things any more, that was a real problem a year or two ago but now he just either doesn't notice something needs work or he tells me because he expects I'll fix it and most of the time I do, Thank god I was a real part of building this house so I do know how to do things, just didn't expect I'd have to be alone and doing them on my own.
Judy, I know that feeling. I am a pretty healthy, active 64(5) and I feel like I have so much life ahead of me and I'm also beginning to feel some resentment that instead of being free to live I'm trapped here with him, taking care of him and then I feel guilty because it's not his fault and he would be so devestated if he knew how I feel.

Although I'm not the caregiver of my mum (my dad is), I can understand where you're coming from. I became a mother at 21, a time when all my friends were still building careers and having a social life and boyfriends, and here I was stuck at home with a husband and a baby. Even if I did get a few hours away, all I could think about was my baby -- is she crying, is she okay, is she upset that I'm not there? I think AD is a lot like having a baby in that respect -- even when you have time to yourself, all you can think about is your spouse! It's like your brain is listening for something only you can hear and it overwhelms everything else. I can only suggest to continue to do things for yourself, even though you're distracted as all get out! There will come a time when you can do things for yourself without that pull and it's important to be able to step into that mindset still.