I'm right there with you. The first thing you must do is realize that this is not the mother you know. This is an illness that is causing her to behave this way. So harden yourself and be prepared to hear some vile things from mom. Let them roll off you.

There are a million explanations for why this happens, the most commonly accepted is that the loss of control is upsetting so they lash out at everyone and cling to the simple things (like washing handkerchiefs).

I had to place mom in a memory care assisted living earlier this month. She had a big break with reality that put her in the hospital. When it was time for discharge they determined that she could not return to her independent apartment(found out later they were about to ask her to leave) and regular assisted living would not take her because of the paranoia which they thought would make her a flight risk. So the only option is where she is now. I guess we could spend a small fortune to buy a house and hire 24/7 aides but mom would fight that too. So a facility staffed by memory care specialists is best.

You say your parents are in a retirement home. Is there any care provided? Have they noticed any problems with mom? Ask, I found that often it is noticed but people don't want to say anything. As to treatment there are some meds but the side effects are often worse than the benefit of the drug. It's also a constant adjustment which if mom doesn't like taking meds will be a nightmare.

Generally they say it is best to not argue with people with demential. The three step method usually works. Acknowledge (mom I understand you want to carry the tray), validate (you make great tea but that tray is very heavy), redirect (can you get the sugar bowl while I bring the tea inside) Doesn't always work but it's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. Also realize that mom has chosen to be this way and would probably accept the risk in order to live her life the way she wants. We just need to understand and accept their wishes.

You have to be sneaky-perhaps you can take in new hankerchiefs and replace them with the dirty ones-that way you can switch them from time to time...take in clean and bring out dirty..
Medicines for her can be snuck into her food and drinks..
ANd all you can do is during one of her good times to explain to her that she is showing health problems and needs to go to the dr for perhaps another test..if everything shows ok then you will back off of her...otherwise she needs to be checked out so she can continue to care for your father..

One of the first things I learned about dealing with dementia....don't argue !

Deflect...Deflect ...Deflect.

Also, I had to learn how to lie.
That one was hard

Short and to the point dancingd - but absolutely right.
The most horrid illness.
I lost my dad to Alzheimer's last November.
Hugs to everyone dealing with it right now,
Angela

thanks for your help guys. I also found some advice on the internet - http://www.alzheimershope.com/10absolutes/one.php. It makes sense that Mom is trying to control the few things she can still control. You've helped me to see it from her viewpoint. I have a lot more compassion with her now. I like Tigg's example with the tea tray - will try that, and try to distract her. I don't see myself becoming sneaky and starting to lie to her (not much, anyway!) - she still has many more good than bad days and she will realise what is happening. We're not going to medicate her without her knowledge either. I don't like the idea, and I don't see her doctor or my dad agreeing to it in any case. Dad discussed mom with the doctor a while ago and she said "we don't all age in the same way".

It's sad to see that strong women who raised me and 3 brothers (along with Dad) reduced to a little old lady who walks/shuffles along ...

Dad is quite frail but his mind is still strong. His "decline" (for want of a better word) bothers me less than Mom's (I'm guessing because it's his body and not his mind), although he may be headed towards frail care.

- A couple of weeks ago my cousin and I had lunch with an elderly relative whose short term memory is MISSING. Completely. Over lunch I had to tell her who I was - about 6 times. (Oh, really, are you J's daughter? My dad (J) is one of her favourite cousins.) She was sweet and agreeable though. She orders wine; 2 minutes later the wine arrives; I never ordered this, she says with a smile. Oh, I say, we ordered it for you. Oh thank you! she replies. I guess the doctor is right - we don't all age in the same way ...

This disease is beyond awful = but you MUST bear in mind that even being argumentative is part of the disease.It is not necessary to try to make mom understand her illness. but you must.

It's very hard for the family when the parents refuse medical treatment. I'm surprised that the doctor 15 years back made that type of an assumption on a probable Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Any medical opinion based on 2nd and third party information is just that, an opinion. There could be underlying causes for her memory loss; none of which could be fully diagnosed without proper tests.

It's very frustrating, I know; we went through this about 10 years back with my MIL. She absolutely refused medical treatment and told the doctor's there was nothing wrong with her and then refused to take any medications. SOOOOOO, she ended up within a few years, shuffling around paperclips on her desk and watching blank tvs... Didn't have to happen that quickly but that was her choice!

I also had a very stubborn father who also refused to accept his diagnosis or take any type of medication that would help him. He faded quickly also. It's very, very frustrating for the family so I feel your pain.

Her need to have control over how things are managed in her home is something that she needs personally. I like Tigg's ideas of how to distract which very often I've had to do in the past. I'll tell you what didn't work; never, ever demand or assert yourself. That only causes them frustration and they lash out. You learn as time goes on what works best for you and your family; it's a learning process.