I totally agree with you, Deborah. My Mom has mild dementia, but as long as she can explain away all the things she can't remember or do, she seems to do much better. I guess as long as they have a hope of getting better they want to fight harder. It's just so hard to be "upbeat" all the time, when you know that without a miracle they are only going to get worse with time. Got help us all. This is so hard on the one who is sick and the one who is taking care of them too. I'm so thankful for this site and the dear people on it who take the time to say a kind or encouraging word. God bless you, xoxo Joy

My Father will deny having anything mentally wrong with him until the end. I think the fear of this is too much to bear and the confusion that come makes it impossible to absorb and understand after a certain point.

My Dad knows he has Parkinson's and is legally blind, so when things go wrong he seems to be ok if he can blame it on these issues...but boy oh boy...don't ever even mention he might have dementia! Wooo...that does not bode well.

I try to focus on the things that bring him peace and make him feel safe now...he forgets most things quickly but some of the bad ones stick around longer. I wonder if that is common.

You cmoe up with the best questions Deborah.

The answer to that question is yes and no. He knows his doctor says he has alzheimers and that he is taking medication for alzheimers but if you ask him he may agree or may say he thinks they are all wrong and there is nothing wrong with him. It depends on when you ask him I guess.
The one time I made the mistake of taking him with me to a lecture on the disease he became serevely depressed and suicidal afterward as he did when his doctor told him he thought he only had two to five years left to live because of the disease. So it's one of those things I avoid talking directly to him about. When it comes to talking to doctors or even other people he does not seem to notice or make a reaction even if we're all there together talking about it.
I have asked him before if he realized how many things he used to be able to do that he no longer can manage and he said no, as far as he's concerned he is just the same as always and passes off his lack of ability as him just being lazy which he's convinced he has been his whole life.
Every now and then he will realize that we built our house entirely by ourselves and it will be a moment of surprise that we could do this but then he goes back into his kind of foggy mode where nothing really seems to move him or interest him.

I'm not sure if she knows or not but my MIL says that she has NEVER been diagnosed. Of course, she has. But she says one of these days, she needs to go see a doctor about her memory 'issues'. And when we tell her she has, she gets very defensive and tells us we're wrong. That we've just jumped to conclusions because we want her 'stuff'. So we try not to talk about it.

At this late stage I don't think he knows much of anything. When he was first diagnosed we called in Dementia. He was the King of Cover Up and in total denial. Often he would say "Judy, is there
something wrong with YOU ?" Once about 4 years ago we were in our lawyers office and he said to our lawyer " My mental is going down". I think he knew .
If it were me - I would hope I understood the situation and was able to cope. Everyone is different. It is probably a very normal reaction to try to explain away the problems.
I hate Alzheimer's.

I will begin my post much like others have. I am not sure if mom knows she has Alzheimers. When she has a brief clearer mind she will say she is getting dumber. Most of the time she asks what is wrong with her. When she asks why she is in the nursing home and why she cant remember I tell her because she is so lucky to have lived to be 91. I know people of any age can get this but mom doesnt. She is still terribly hateful, demanding, crying, pleading for us get her out of there. She does think she doesnt have what these " other people" have. She sees herself as functioning much higher and even superior to others. This is not the truth. Some of you may have read some of my posts where I was having a great deal of anxiety over mom being admitted the dementia unit. One poster, sorry I cant recall who wrote this, said he or she had to come to the conclusion that the mother was not the motherswho raised him/her because mom would never hurt someone when they were themselves. That statment has helped me so much. I wish I had personally thanked the poster. I believe mom is in denial her dementia is as bad as it is. That makes it easier to think she should not be there. My anxiety has decreased rapily. I got to a point where I thought I just could not let myself go down this negative road. My father, husband and myself have decided to not visit as often. We can not tkae the emotional abuse. So I visit once every two weeks and maybe another quick visit if I am taking out supplies, medications or have a care plan meeting. I cant help my husband or father if I fall apart. I guess it takes a bit for us to get our baring again, find the boundaries that fit our situation. We will see how things go with time and adjust if it is healthy for all. I really love this site. People are so helpful and supportive. I dont think I have read one hurtful post. Marcia

My Mom, who is in a NH, definitely does not know that she has Alz. she often asks me what is wrong with her and I just say sometimes you have trouble remembering things and just sort of downplay it by saying that everyone has that problem at some time! She seems OK with that explanation. She certainly doesn't think she should be in a NH and often says how much she hates "this place", but when I tell her that we are at work all day and that she would be alone if she were back home, she agrees and says, yes, she wouldn't like to be at the house alone and yet she will not socialize with anyone at the NH, and really doesn't speak much anymore. I try to be as upbeat as possible, even when I don't feel like it and that seems to help too.

Marina, I dont know what to say to my mother. When I look at her she looks so helpless. I can feel the love for her whelm up inside of me. How does anyone explain to a person with alzheimers that they have alzheimers? I dont think it is possible in the late stages. I try to tell my mother that her medical needs have increased and dads strength has decreased. Sometimes I blame the DR. Sometimes I tell her she is in the NH because she has been so lucky to live such a good and long life. I dont have the answer. I wish I did. What I dont do is say anything that will make her feel bad. I work really hard so that she knows she didnt make dad get ill. I tell her often she is ill and she cant help it. I tell her we still love her wherever she is. When she cant remember something I tell her I will remember for her. I hate this disease. It steals all the loving memories that have been made over many decades. It steals her dignity. It has been five weeks since mom was admitted to the NH. I thought I was getting better with this. Now as I write the tears come again. I am tired of worry. I am tired of not living my life. I am tired of not being able to be everything to everyone. All unrealistic thoughts particuarly since I have leukemia. The thoughts come and they go. I feel like I am in moarning. I have my mother but she and everyone has lost her personality. Marcia

Once YOU know what is going on with your loved one and a correct diagonsis has been made then it really comes down to making the loved one comfortable. They are scared and confussed. I think reassurance that they are safe is so important and yes, acknowledge that they are sick but you don't have to go into the whole thing - just say yes, you are sick but you are safe and I am here to take care of you. Honestly after living with the disease for 12 years and watching my Dad go all the way through it I know that in his mind he knew things but couldn't verbalize them. Reassurance and comfort - that would be my best suggestion.

Once YOU know what is going on with your loved one and a correct diagonsis has been made then it really comes down to making the loved one comfortable. They are scared and confussed. I think reassurance that they are safe is so important and yes, acknowledge that they are sick but you don't have to go into the whole thing - just say yes, you are sick but you are safe and I am here to take care of you. Honestly after living with the disease for 12 years and watching my Dad go all the way through it I know that in his mind he knew things but couldn't verbalize them. Reassurance and comfort - that would be my best suggestion.

Good suggestion. I know my mothers ability to verbalize is decreasing. I do see expressions on her that lead me to believe she heard or is thinking about something that was said. The most difficult part is when she gets upset enough that is verbally attacks everyone that has something to do with her being there. I try to change the subject which often works. It is difficult, guess that is why this board is here.
Caregivers need support too. Marcia

There have been some good books written by people with alzheimers in which they try to help us understand what this disease looks like from their point of view. I think everyone who is dealing with this disease should read at least one of them, it will help put how your loved one acts in a new perspective.
I think one of the hardest things for us to deal with is understanding that as the disease progresses that person who looks just like our mother, father, husband or wife is no longer the person we've loved all those years of our life. They can no longer think and act in the way our loved one did and they are as helpless to deal with this as we are (more so actualy if they are even aware of how they are changing and many are).
The people I see having the hardest time are those with parents or spouses who were not the nicest people BEFORE the AD set in and who are now still mean and causing a great deal of strife in the home. Their first reaction is the person is being like this because they hate them or they've always been mean and while this may have been true before the onset of alzhiemers the sad fact is now it is the disease talking not the person and if we can seperate ourselves from that it will relieve so much of the hurt and emotionaly draining stuff that goes on.