sean, a very quick calming breathing exercise is to block one nostril and breathe through the other and vice versa about ten times deeply. it actually works. i hope doc give you script for xanax or klonopin, xanax acts faster. try not to worry so much. i know it is easier said than done. picture me in a karate suit beating the crap out of anyone who gives you grief. i am five foot four inches and about 110 lbs lol.

Thx again irish you always seem to know what to say ty that almost made me laugh a bit ty....But its like ANYTHING seems to trigger me nowadays and i hate it, Everyone says that i PORTRAY myself as this but i dont nor never would because it's just to damn much....I wish every one of them could spend only 10 minutes inside my head and maybe then they would understand ehh....probably not. Irish i dont know how to handle myself anymore i feel crazy.

you have to be a little bit crazy or you'd go mad altogether ha ha. you are obviously doing better than you think you are if you can write about it so eloquently and cohesivlely. you have a good handle on it. that puts you more than half way there. give yourself credit for that. if you were totally crazy youd be a howling mass in a corner somewhere. where theres the ability to give voice to the suffering and feelings, theres hope for working with them. please dont be so hard on yourself.

Maybe that is part of it...me being to hard on myself after all i judge myself more than society ever could...but just sometimes it way to much for me to handle....ehh well tomorrow ill be fixed up a lil more atleast i hope

Sean..its not only you ..someone a male said something silly.I got so mad.my chat was still on this person appears and Im going GET OFF MY CHAT..why they ask..IM MAD AND IM THROWNG THINGS..they laughed and asked if they should hide..

Lol i know its not only me jokey but when it happens it seems like it is only me because i get so lost......today my doc STILL insists that i stay away from xanax but he prescribed me averex and uped my dose of haldol from 2mg at night to 4mg he says the averex is fast acting but non addictive so i will try that i suppose.

FYI today i am feeling better but still not up to studying

My son suffers from depression and anger issues and has moments similar to yours. He feels unworthy, out of control, and copes with it by acting out in anger. He has been going to therapy, psychiatrist, meds, and at one point was hospitalized. Learning how to cope with emotions is hard at any age. Doing anything physical helps him, as long as it is not competitive. That triggers anger. Punching bag, running, biking swimming. He also knows when he needs to remove himself from the situation to calm down. If you were at work that angry, and feeling out of control, can you leave for awhile and collect yourself?

Yes and No, I can but i have to make sure that someone WILL cover for me but i dont trust alot of people so that doesn't happen very often.....I just hate having to lash out like that-we did make amends today btw and were good now but still i feel like such shit when it happens because i KNOW that i'm better than that but i still can't control myself when pushed to the edge like that. Im getting sick of life again and after two weeks ago i felt on top of the whole world......who is wanting me to feel this way?

Reading one of your follow on comments I know exactly what you mean about judging yourself harsher than anyone ever ever would. I remember you saying that you don't write because it won't be good enough for you and I know where that thought comes from because it is the whole rest of my life apart from my writing. And the amount of my poetry/prose that never makes it past the save button because I am so hard on myself... Well it's a lot.

Heh little pointless ramble there Sean... I guess I just wanted you to know that self-judging thing is not just you. And it did take me a long long time to get the courage to post any of my work anywhere.

As for the feeling of needing to lash out... Do you have a punching bag or something that you can beat the crap out of? I know I would have gotten in a load of trouble more than once if I didn't take a deep breath and think of the assault that would later take place on the bag.

Thx death....i do have a bag and am trying to sit aside the time to lash out at it EVERY night i know that would help.

at work I have put up a poster hit your head here stress poster..feel free to join in ok..:) LOL the funniest thing is everthing is piled up in the cupboard and you hit head and it falls out LMAO then comes the swear words..I so love my poster its funny when people use it

You asked for advice... so here goes...
FIRST seek some counciling for anger control. As a supervisor I can honestly tell you that if a fight takes place you both will lose your job. "He started it" may carry some weight on a play ground but it means nothing in the work place.
SECOND... IF a psychiatrist gives you a diagnosis you may fall under the ADA (Americans with Disability Act) which could protect your job if an incident does take place.

Try and remember that rage does nothing to improve any situation, it can only make it worse. Once you quit thinking and start reacting the battle is lost. Work on stress reduction and try a conditioned response. Like Pavlov's dog you can teach your self to respond to a stimulus, something to change your focus. I knew a man that used coffee. The whole world could be crashing down but when Vince poured that cup of coffee and took a sip his whole demeanor changed. He kept telling himself that every thing was OK as long as he had his coffee. If you tell your self some thing often enough it will have an effect. GOOD LUCK

sean sorry was off for a couple of days, i had to go to tipperary to collect my son, who has moved back home. both he and my daughter got the results of their leaving certificate exams from school today and both did very well so am very proud of them. she had a tough time because two of her friends completed suicide during her leaving cert year and she still managed to get the points she needed for the college course she wants to do and he had a tough time because he was too depressed to do the exam four years ago and went back to school this year to do the two year course in one year and did it in another city on his own and did one of the subjects with no teacher and got his highest grade in that subject. some good news, am glad to hear things are looking a little bit bettter for you sean, i think of you a lot and how difficult life is and i send you all the positive energy that i can, and lots of calm. i always say 'if there be panic let it be organised panic'. or 'see if there's a solution first and then panic'. sorry doc wouldn't give you xanax, i never got addicted to it. i hope the increase in haldol works along with the new drug. i never heard of it before. see how it goes. you deserve a break. be gentle with yourself. take care.

We all have inner demons, fires and beings. Which one does your soul consist of? What do you want to reveal to the world, a friend or a foe. Different situations require different personalities. But the question is, are we capable of taming them?

thx guys i appreciate ALL of the advice support and thoughts you are sharing with me...And it helps me see through to the end of my hardship that i am going through, Thx wag952 for the hard advice you have given and just wanted to let you know that i am and have been seeking counseling for over a year now...sadly not just for anger though as i barely have time for the regular stuff plus my psyc doc...Just letting you all know that i took a break from the gym today and just played my game for a bit before coming into work...and i think it helped me quite a bit. I am trying to look at myself in a brighter let now and right now i feel pretty good and hopefully it stays this way for a bit.