Sean like you I was knocked..first a conditon that is like the devil wanting to play a game of chess..Its cruel its horrendous ..I then tried to do a dream but I had a family member who shattered this a job and them spiralled me into debt..I could fill up many boxes of swear words one where I could scream that a conditon exsists that when I see a new person who is good and does not deserve it..when I think of my family member who only thought of themselves who put all their crap my ay and left me in ruins..when I had rescued some animals and couldnt keep them..I had to hand them over and when they looked at me..it tore me to shreds..they were mine..I dont ever ask for alot..never do anyone any wrong..I seriously couldnt see how I would survive any of this..but I did and I PROUD OF MYSELF..be angry because you have been wronged like I was did I deserve any of this..they have to live with themselves ..I can stand tall..my doctor told me Im a bee that can fly without wings...he smiles at how against the odds the conditon hasnt took my life..I do fight everyday and its rough..Sean SHOW THEM that you can come through it..dont give evil the smile of knowing its won..

Hi Sean, I really do care about you even though I don't know you. Please get help and call that hotline or see if you can go inpatient again. I don't want you to harm yourself. I know others don't want you to either. We do care. If you can let us know how you are since this was written on Feb.18. I am worried.

Im still alive.....feels like im in a constant nightmarish dream state but im here......and i hate it

I thought i had some friends from the online game that ive been playing for the past 5 months but apparently not as they wont even acknowledge me on FB even though ive written them 2 letters in the past week since my computer wont run that game any longer and they wont respond......i know they have been on but they wont say anything to me......This hurts as they said we were like family and that they actually cared, I feel so fucking down all the time to the point to where i just dont wanna come up for air

Nice to have you back .

Hey Sean,

Well, it's official, you've been to hell and back. I don't even know what to say about a person who would have the police come at your place of employment, a place where you are unable to self harm, to come get you and have you committed. That is just beyond my comprehension....

You have shown a lot of strength to get through it all....I think a lot of your anger fueled you through the worst of it, and keeps you going. The thing is, is the worst of it is over..the scene at work, the 1st inpatient stay, the online friends not being true friends...that parts over.

You can take a breath. You can be less angry. You can almost be sad because the future you thought you were going to have was taken away from you. You can still be angry too,but you can kind of let some of the pent up anger out b/c the worst is over.

I can't say I'm actively suicidal, but every morning I wake up, and I look outside and I think "Fuck, another beautiful day"

On those days I make a list of things to do. It looks like this:

1.) Breathe In
2.) Breathe Out

If I manage that list all day long, then I consider it an accomplishment.
I want you to remember, you haven't committed a felony, or any other offense that needs to be disclosed to future employers.
Employers are not allowed to give bad references, legally that is now considered slander. All they can do is verify your dates of employment.
If you are able and want to work somewhere, no one needs to know about your wife, meds, any of it.

If you can't work, post more about that...I used to be a social worker before I got sick, so if you tell me how you applied, what reasons you gave, etc...I may be able to give you some direction for an appeal...

For now, what ever it is you are dealing with, just remember the only thing you have to do each day is Breathe in and Breathe out...if you can manage that, you're doing alright.
Anna

Thats exactly the reason that im so pissed and so fucking sad all the time.......At this point in my life i should be doing ok but im not so all i do all day is thinking about everything that pisses me off or makes me extremely depressed and suicidal and the worst part is that i never know which way im going until im already there, I hate every fucking last little bit about my " life " This is no fucking life anymore i am simply staying adrift in the molten pools of hell and i cant fucking do this much god damned longer and tbh i dont fucking want to anymore.......I am glad that im almost 1000 miles from my whore wife because i WOULD have killed her by now and i am 100% certain about that fact....i hate her so much for all she has ever put me through since the fucking day i met her.

As for applying for SSI Disability i listed my mental condition as well as my back problem, Gave them all the papers they needed to just look at them and say " OMG lets just give the assistance to this man because he OBVIOUSLY NEEDS IT " But no of course not.....Im not a fucking crack head or dead beat fucking dad so i get no fucking help.....IM FUCKING DONE

idk why the fuck i even post on Facebook anymore because everyone just ignores me, They wont even say " damn man i wish i could help " or ANYTHING AT ALL!!!! I fucking hate this

OK, First of all Facebook sucks. Studies have been done that there is a direct correlation between Facebook and Clinical Depression now- For the exact reason you just stated and for the pressure to reach 100 "Friends" So put Facebook on the back burner for a bit...it's not a healthy place to be at the moment.

Next, let's get rid of everything you should be...you mention at this point in your life you should be doing ok, but the reality is there is no point in anyone's life where they should be ok. It takes as long as it takes.And it's going to take a little effort from you to get things moving in a direction you want.

You say you are stuck, and I agree. You are definitely stuck. You can get unstuck. Getting unstuck sucks at first, and then it's pretty cool, so you have to gear yourself up to kind of faking it for a little while until your brain remembers that there was a time that you used to enjoy stuff...
I don't know how old you are, don't know your interests other than wrestling...but one of the easiest ways to get unstuck is to volunteer somewhere...help out at the boys and girls club, and animal shelter, volunteer to read in a school class room...anything that interests you...you can go through a 40 hour training class and become a certified crisis counselor and take calls from people who are suicidal...you can help them feel less like you, and that will make you feel better...but you have to find one activity, doesn't have to be volunteer, that was just my suggestion, but one activity that gets you out of your house away from the degrading comments of your family, and doing something you used to like, b/c eventually your brain will remember you used to like that activity and will send the message to the rest of you that you are having fun...

SSDI....to get approved, at this point you need an attorney. I think Allsup is the best, but you can pick your own.
You will need to be actively in therapy, and it would help to be in physical therapy as well.
You need Dr's to back up your claims of being unwell, and I don't get the impression that you had that when you filed?

Let me know more about that....

So, another day...breathe in, breathe out
Anna

The big thing right now is the fact that i just cant let all of this go......One simple little thing just sets me off and i cant get over it especially when it sets in motion me thinking about everything that has happened.....I hate this so much and its like there is nothing i can do about it, idk if its the bi polar like the docs say that makes me think this way or what but im just fuckin sick of it all and i dont want to remember all of this shit anymore

Are you on meds for your bi-polar?

I don't think it's bi polar making you think a certain way...I think it's the fact that you got treated really badly, and continue to be patronized by your family and that would make anyone angry...that has nothing to do with being bipolar it has to do with being a person.
However, being on your meds for bipolar would be helpful during this stressful time.

Yep, it's hard to let things go...It sounds cliche, but the best way you can show your ex that you've won and she's lost especially after what she did to you at work, is to move on WITHOUT her...get a place to live, have some friends and ignore the hell out of her...no attention from you will drive her crazy.

You're going to be angry for a long time...you were treated badly and unfairly...there's no getting around that. But, you want to work on finding a way out of your current living situation even while you're angry. Will your brother or any other friend go with you to check out apartments?

I think once you take action to make your situation better you will feel better...I mean you'll still get pissed, but you'll feel a little better at the same time :)

You will get through this...

Ive been telling myself ill get over it for a long time now and it just feels like its setting in deeper and deeper into my mind......And ive been trying to ignore her, Ive cut my phone off ive blocked her and all her family on my facebook.....She still got through by getting on her boyfriends facebook and messageing me AFTER she messaged my family and i told them to just ask her to stop contacting me and block her which they did and then she messages me from the boyfriends account on valentines day of all days and asks for an address for the divorce papers and wanted to let me know that she SUPPOSEDLY has cancer now and well i just kinda went completely off the deep end on her, Telling her exactly how i feel about her now and that i blame her for everything that has happened then capping it off by basically telling her " I DONT GIVE 2 SHITS OR 1 FUCK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU PERIOD INCLUDING CANCER AND DEATH YOU FUCKING EVIL WHORE " After that i blocked everyone anyway i could from contacting me. That i honestly dont feel bad about in the slightest way. The meds just seem to make it worse by kind of numbing me to alot of things up front and then eventually wearing off and causing me to flip out as soon as things start to come back to reality for me.....thats why i dont even want meds anymore.

Hope this wasnt to much and apologize if anyone is annoyed by my ramblings or bitching or w/e i know thats how some people were on here a few years ago so i apologize in advance thx

Stuff like this, divorce, crazy ex's...there's no time frame for getting over "it". It takes as long as it takes.
But, one thing you can do, even though you feel Angry and betrayed, is to look for a way to get out of your parents house. You will feel better when you make some steps forward...you'll still be angry, but you won't feel so stuck. You'll be doing something for YOU.

Your ex has just left you and already started dating someone else...obviously she can't stand to be by herself for half a second, and it won't be long until this new guy starts to unwind given her narcissistic behavior. It sucks the way it happened, and that you have to go through all the divorce, and losing someone feelings, but you dodged a bullet with your ex...Imagine staying married to the type of person who came to your work,but not finding out what she was really like for another 10 years?

If you can, just start making small steps forward no matter how angry you are. If you go to see an apartment, no matter how furious you are, you aren't going to take it out on the landlord...you'll see the apartment, say thanks, leave and continue being furious, but you will have made a step out of your current situation...so think of anything that would help make life better for you even with all the anger, and just do one small thing toward that goal every day...

As for your meds...maybe time to call the psych doc? Maybe time for a new med or a new psych doc?
that's up to you...as long as you can keep yourself safe, how you prefer yourself- on or off meds is your choice