While the truth spoken in love can sometimes bring positive change, there are other times when careless words cause unnecessary pain. Some of the worst, and best, experiences in a community can come through words words unspoken and spoken, words we ache to hear and words that sting. I have been both a victim and perpetrator in this ugly word trade, but I am trying to learn to keep silent when I must and to speak healing when I can.

When I was at seminary we lived in close quarters with other married couples, and relationships were intense. I spoke words that I now regret, and I'm guessing that some of my classmates feel the same way. One of the most dramatic episodes that occurred each year was "The Rite of Forgiveness" which marked our entry into Lent, as each member of the community would bow before and ask forgiveness of every other member.

For the next few days, we had no classes, and we were expected to keep silent, to walk to chapel beside our friends without speaking to them, to maintain peace in our apartments. During these long, quiet days, I was amazed by how sweet it was to not speak or be spoken to, how much simpler it was to be in community without words.
The Pain Stops Here

Of course, when the words returned, the painful conflicts crept in as well. It's a vicious cycle somebody causes us pain and without even meaning to, we pass it on to another person, and they pass it on again. When people hurt us, instead of responding in kind, we can force a pause, think about what has happened and keep our peace. We can say, "the pain stops here."

We can take this idea even further by redeeming some of what is done to us by doing the opposite. If a person criticizes us, instead of criticizing them back, we can offer them praise. If we feel lonely we can look for others who might be feeling that way and invite them out for coffee. If nothing else, the alienation we experience can help us to understand those on the margins.

Seek Peace

Sometimes I'm tempted to present a case for why I am "more right" than somebody else. Although there are times when we really do need to confront people, there are other situations where confrontation does not bring healing, but just more pain.

Even when it's impossible to outwardly reconcile with another person, it is wise to try to come to some kind of resolution within ourselves. A friend recently told me that when she runs from situations without trying to work through them internally, she sometimes finds herself in a similar circumstance later on with different people. It is as if God repeats the lesson because we missed it the first time around. Because it takes two to tangle, it makes sense to try to work through our own side and to struggle in prayer for peace. Sometimes the peace we find affects others more profoundly than we realize. As St. Seraphim of Serov said, "Find internal peace and thousands around you will be saved."
Jenny Schroedel.