Hey, psylove! LAWD HAVE MERCY, this could have been written by me about my "relationship," unfortunately i don't have any wisdom or advice to dispense, cuz i've been in the same situation on and off for 8 years. He is an active alcoholic and addict, despite many stints in jail, prison, inpatient rehab. We have both tried sobriety independently at different times, but its like we are never on the same page and always wind up sabotaging each other, because our relationship is founded on mutual alcohol and drug use. (we actually met at the dope dealer's house) He tells me he can't stand to be around me when I'm sober cuz I guess i'm uptight, but i suspect that its really that he's usually messed up and when i'm not, he feels guilty or bad about himself in contrast. Misery loves company, like the saying goes. But then my drinking (well, his too, really) causes problems, he gets angry at my behavior when I'm drunk and he's told me it embarrasses him around other people too. And he gets violent when he drinks or uses meth and pills. Its a mess. I do love hime very much, i know this is a total codependent toxic disaster. He's not currently in my life and we haven't spoken in almost a month now, but that's been an on/off pattern with us for years so I kno he will be back eventually (he is always the one to re-initiate contact and I can never resist. he's like a whole nother addiction for me himself) and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to come back. So, like I said, i am not in a position to offer any advice or an objective perspective (hey, that rhymed!), but just wanted to say that, yes, I can most definitely relate. This support group is full of kind and sympathetic and supportive people, maybe someone else can give you some insight. Anyway, I feel you, sis. xx

Hello psylove,

I can relate to your situation but that alone will not do you much good. As I see it, there are several issues that you may need to address:
There is your partner’s drinking and how you may be making matters worse while you are trying to do the right thing by helping him. If he has a problem with alcohol, it is for him to confront the problem. The longer that he leaves it, the worst it will get. You have no control over his drinking but you do have control over the part that you play.
The second issue is your relationship with your partner. You say that many bad things have happened because of alcohol, that you have needed anti-depressants and you are in a bad place. Maybe you need to step back and think about what you want from life. Are you content to go along like this for many more years? Is he the right man for you? Would relationship counselling help? Only you can answer those questions.
The third issue is the one where you have a good chance of making immediate progress and it relates to your own drinking. Like most people who drink too much, you have plenty of good excuses and no doubt, those excuses make perfect sense to you. However, if you are an alcoholic, you will drink for only ONE reason. Drinking will have become an obsession for you and you will always find a way to justify it. You do not have to drink to please your partner or anyone else so the fact of the matter is that you choose to drink.
The big question is, what are you going to do now? You cannot stand still in life so if things are not getting better, they are going to get worse. If you cannot take a few drinks and stop at that then it may be that you are an alcoholic and in that case, you cannot drink safely at all. Try quitting and see how you get on. Remember that you are the only person who can pour the alcohol down your throat and nothing that your partner says can make you drink. If you cannot quit or if you struggle to stay sober, then you will probably need help. I would try Alcoholics Anonymous.
You are in control of your destiny so start taking responsibility for your own life. You have a lot to gain if you make the right decisions and everything to lose if you don’t.

Alcohol robbed me of having a desire to get better. My desires were limited to the next drink and then the one after that. Booze made me stop maturing at age 14. Ha I was a 38 year old teenager when I finally decided to plug the jug. See I'm an alcoholic. I will let booze run my life if I start. So today I choose to not start. It's just easier that way. Alcohol allows a quick fix to problems that require long term work. If I drink I cannot cope and then drink to cope and it's a endless loop of drink, remorse, shame, guilt, drink,remorse, shame , guilt. F that. It was no life when I was chained to the bottle. I'm moving on!
1is2many

My relationship with my first husband was like this. We drank, and while we both drank "a lot" at times - at parties, with friends - he was the one to maintain a respectable buzz. I was the one the get shit-faced drunk. He didn't really encourage me to quit drinking in the early years, just didn't want me to get so drunk. What he didn't understand is that as an alcoholic, it isn't the last beer or shot that gets me drunk, it is that innocent first drink. Once I put alcohol in my body it is VERY difficult to control how much I drink. Sure, some times I could stop after a margarita or two at dinner, but many times that was just the start and I would continue to drink whatever I could until it was all gone or I passed out. His little rules of "don't drink on an empty stomach" or "just have one drink per hour" or "just let me know when you're drinking" didn't result in his or my ability to control my drinking.

He just didn't understand that we where different when it came to drinking. He didn't want to tell me "You can't drink" because he didn't to tell me I couldn't enjoy the same fun times with friends, etc. But he didn't understand that there was no moderation with me.

If you truly are an alcoholic (and only you can determine that for yourself), it will be near impossible to control your drinking. There is a saying "When I controlled my drinking, I didn't enjoy it. When I enjoyed my drinking, I couldn't control it." I remember times trying to "behave" when drinking and feeling so uptight about NOT drinking too much that I couldn't relax and was miserable because I couldn't drink the way I really wanted to.

The answer for me was to quit drinking completely. Unfortunately, that decision came after I lost my marriage and the custody of my children. But I am sober today and enjoy life.

BTW, depression is a major contraindicator of alcohol usage/abuse.

scarlet, that saying you just mentioned in your reply reminds me of another one I saw on here, Idk whose post or reply it was, but when i read it i had one of those like instant epiphany lightbulb moments. I have always said that i am jealous of people who can drink socially and moderately, enjoy 1 or 2 drinks and then stop without getting drunk, and i don't remember the exact wording, so i'm paraphrasing, but it was something like "alcoholics don't really want to be able to drink like a normal person, they want to be able to drink like an alcoholic without all the consequences." I was floored by that, because I realized that it is so true for me. I hate to say this, but i guess i enjoy drinking to excess, getting s**t faced, drinking to the point of oblivion, as an escape. (what i don't enjoy are the morning afters, the hangovers, the realization of what stupid humiliating or dangerous thing I said or did while drunk, the ruined friendships and relationships, the lost jobs, the having a criminal record for the rest of my life, and on and on...)And that is most definitely NOT a normal, healthy relationship to alcohol, which is what i always assumed was what i wanted: to drink "normally.". All the times i have tried to control my drinking, it wasn't enjoyable, if it was even possible, its easier just to make up my mind not to drink at all, which i'm never really successful at either, especially if i am in a social setting where others are consuming alcohol. And i've tried just drinking beer or wine, not hard liquor, eating 1st, drinking mixed drinks instead of straight liquor, all the tricks. Never works. And I realized that drinking like a normal person isn't really what i wanted, even if i were able to do it. I wanted to keep using alcohol in the sick, perverse, excessive, anesthetic way I had been, without suffering all the self-destruction and consequences. What i need to do is fix the problems with myself that make me want to use alcohol in that way, but thats kinda where i'm stuck at now. I'm sober, but i'm still not well.

My husband and I were drinking buddies. So much of what we did revolved around drinking. It is not healthy. I quit; my husband is struggling and who knows if our relationship can survive.

When your relationship revolves around drinking, you can lose the connection to each other.

Oh my god I'm not alone. My boyfriend and I both have a drinking problem, but he is more functional or resigned to being less healthy/happy than I am. I cant stay on my anti-depressants and drink so I chose drinking because I can;t say no with it all around me. I'm on this website trying to figure out what to do. I know I got sober with meetings but I also just dont have transportation and energy to change.

Oh, I can really understand how you feel because I have been there. It's not easy, but all of these things you can change. This is not permanent so do not lose hope. You have a couple of things going on. The first thing I would suggest to you is to not drink at all. Don't drink and see how your partner reacts. Don't drink with him at all, in public; don't drink. Then you will have a clear mind to evaluate where you are and what you want. This is such a sad position to be in and I want you to just stay strong and don't lose your will and spirit. You can come back here! Huggles

As always - wise words guys...............................G.

Oh my gosh. I knew the support group was going to be helpful but i had no idea how spot on the relativity would be to my situation. Scarlet i swear you just wrote my same story. Leighgood I agree. I also dont want to just drink one or two, i want to finish the whole bottle of wine then take a shot, i want to drink till i cant remember all the negative thoughts in my head, and i always have an excuse.

Yesterday we spent 10 hours moving furniture around and it was super stressfull and my whole body was sore so what better excise to dorink? I deserved in right? But i did not. Instead i treated myself to some potato chips and something sweet while i watched black is the new orange and fell asleep. Meanwhile my partner is outside drinking beer after beer....he came in the house wasted and acting stupid....needless to say i did not regret my decision.
I wonder how this is going to affect our relationship....drinking has been the only thing we really do together for quite some time.... its scary.

Thank you all so much for your feedback. Please i hope you will be kind enough to continue. I value your support

Relationships built around alcohol fail eventually. You are young enough to make a change. Perhaps your guy will too. If not your youth allows you to find someone new and potentially get married and have kids.

Have hope. Alcoholics are hamsters on the wheels. We go around in circles until we finally have the courage to get off the wheel and stand on our own two feet.