I understand your problem. I understand your problem very well actually.

It sounds like you have a body that craves alcohol when you drink it, and a mind that tells you to not stop at all cost, and if you do stop, or don't drink, that same mind tells you it is the wrong move. You have a spirit on the other hand, that knows drinking is not right for you, unselfishly recognizing that your children and spouse need you more than you need to be drinking.

Your fear of being judged by the community is very real, I lucked out and was an anti-social drinker who isolated so I was never involved in a community when drinking. I do know many men and women who are, and who the same community I live in has no problem that they did the right thing and sought help, actually healthy communities encourage and appreciate the people who are smart enough to get the help more than the ones who fear the judgment. Of course there are the bad apples who will just never understand, and might use your recovery against you, but God will deal with them justly, and frankly the better you become, the more clearly you will see they are idiots for not encouraging someone trying to improve.

I've never seen a real alcoholic recover, who didn't accept and embrace becoming a member of alcoholics anonymous. AA will teach you how to stop, and if you can't go to meetings, you can get a big book, or read one online, you can pray for God to create the perfect scenario where AA is a positive thing for you and your family, and you're community. Positive role models in society who go to AA are the best thing for AA. Whenever I find out someone with tons of respect and popularity went to AA or goes to AA, and the common folk in the world wouldn't think poorly of them for it, that makes me really happy.

There are a number of famous people who still go to meetings today, and eventually if you go and have no fear of what others will think, you'll feel a power inside of you that allows you to see that anyone who has a problem with AA, is both ignorant and sick. AA is a definite healing source for the world that makes both the world and people in general better.

Be honest with your husband, if you're husband loves you (which I am certain he does) he might be startled or scared at first, but deep down inside he is going to want you to get help, and that help is going to be unconditional, he'll probably not give a damn if it is AA or something else, he just wants his wife to be free and happy. Being bound to a life where both drinking and not drinking create dual energies of misery is frankly unbearable, I have lived that misery in the past for years, day after day, pure misery, and with that misery comes more hardship, intolerable stress, and I had no choice but to drink, just for some relief.

I have found that the spiritual power I get simply from ignoring the "what if's" and sitting in a meeting with humility, not worrying about what the world will think, or if I am going to piss someone off with my alcoholism, is something God wants greatly for me, and unlike the demands of my fellow human beings or community duty that more times than not is just out of proportion, useless competition, going to AA, and meeting other alcoholics, some of who are breaking their slavery to alcohol, and others who have found the way to freedom from drinking without control, is not only my primary purpose in life, it is the greatest way for me to be complete where I can treat my family with the maximum amount of love they need and serve my community with the best energy and positive possible.

Don't sell yourself short of a miracle by saying AA is not an option for you, if it guaranteed a miracle and a sure bet to earn the live you always dreamed of, wouldn't you want it to be an option on the table?

AA is the complete opposite of what the ego and most people believe it to be, and if you commit to it, with no fear, don't over think it, retire from controlling the outcomes, I believe you will be forever grateful you didn't limit yourself to options other than it's resources of love, understanding, and best of all hope that opens the door to a wonderful way of life that makes life wonderful for others at the end of the day.

Hello stopthecycle,

Right now, you are so absorbed in the small details that you cannot see the wood for the trees. Therefore, looking from a distance and not being involved in your life, I can give you a different overview.

Maybe the best approach would be to deal with the different points in the order you have stated them. I am completely sympathetic to your plight but sympathy will not do you any good so I shall concentrate on the sometimes harsh reality so forgive me if my words seem in any way unkind.

I used to claim that I was a functioning alcoholic until I heard a guy posing the question: “Functioning, compared to what”? It suddenly hit me that I had only been deluding myself and that I was far from functioning. Are you any different?

You talk yourself into having “just a couple” of drinks and this is the crux of the problem. What you are dealing with here is an obsession for alcohol and also the insanity of alcoholism. Let me explain. An obsession is an idea that overcomes and overshadows all other ideas. Therefore, a person with an obsession for alcohol will always find a reason to drink. You will always be a slave to alcohol until you take action that will free you from that obsession. Alcoholics Anonymous offers a means of recovery that removes the obsession. The insanity of alcoholism is the belief that despite all of the bad things that happened in the past as result of drinking, it will be different this time. The AA programme of recovery aims to restore sanity.

If you are an alcoholic, you cannot and will not in future control your drinking or be a social drinker. The only safe option is not to drink at all. It is important for you to fully understand the reason for this so I would urge you to watch the video at the link below from start to finish.

If you are to overcome this problem, you will need to base your future on honesty and that includes being straight with your husband. However, there is a time and place for everything and telling your husband how much you drink would do little good at this particular time. You do need however to be straight with him and tell him that you have a problem with alcohol and that you need help.

Alcoholism is a progressive condition so if you continue drinking it will get much worse. No matter how well you think you are hiding it, just about everyone will know the truth so where will your standing in the community be then? Ask yourself which would be worst – being known as someone who has overcome alcoholism and is an inspiration to other people or being laughed at as the town drunk who thinks she can hide the problem?

What then should you do now? Well, I have a ton of experience in self-delusion and doing the things that didn’t work so I’ll cut to the chase and tell you what did work. When everything else failed, I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and have never looked back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

I really believe, and it has been my experience, that good things come out of bad situations. If you tell your husband about your problem and that you plan of getting help, he may be the first, and most important person in your support network!

I can identify with you. Both of my parents were alcoholics. My mother died at the age of 52 from alcoholic liver sirosis. I was just a kid at the time and I was devastated. For the next 30 years, I blamed myself and that guilt and shame, I lived with for so long, were huge triggers which led to my own addiction problem. I reached a point in my life, as most of us alcoholics do, where it became apparent, It was either go through an outpatient treatment program or die a slow horrible death like my mother did. So I got help! That was 9 years ago. Today, I have a great life, and I have never been happier!

This is just a suggestion but I really believe it is time for you to talk to your doctor who will be the first to offer support and will discuss with you what your options are. I hope you realize the severity of your problem by not limiting your options. I had to be willing to do everything it took to get sober and to stay that way. I just didn't want to die and that's where I was headed. I won't minimize this!

The choice is yours, we can't make it for you.

We will keep you in our thoughts and Prayers!

God Bless

Shame, guilt, and remorse keep the alcoholic needing to drink because it's the cycle. Drink, shame, guilt, remorse, repeat.

Sounds like typical control driven personality and when the feeling of not being in control leads to heavy boozing to overcompensate. Do you like control? Are you fearful of being found out who you really are? The house of cards syndrome. Typical pattern

The super stealth is the problem. You are using alcohol to cope with all of life. alcohol is a drug and highly addictive. Do you really think the ppl close to you don't know what's happening? Do you work at a hospital? Very typically the MO is to help others so the hurt we inflict upon ourselves is relatively ok... very typical behavior

1is2many

I understand the whole social status thing but Alcoholics Anonymous truly is anonymous. There is a chance you could run into someone you know there but they ultimately are there for the same reason and they probably don't want anyone else to know either. There are people from all walks of life in those rooms and I am positive you will find someone just like you. Give it a try. It definitely can't hurt.

Hi. Your post is classic alcoholic denial. Your boys deserve a great mother -- but....You want to stop drinking "but." Oh and wait for it....you want to drink socially "but" you drink alcoholically instead.
So until you take the "buts" -- other wise known as bullshit, out of it, you will continue to drink.
You are scared to out yourself at AA? get over it. I have been a sober mother to three wonderful children for 6 years. My kids are 12 12 and 8. I wasnt a good mother, despite my "wanting" to be, for the years I was a drunk mom. How could I be? "But" I was active in the PTA, "BUT" I was at all their functions, "BUT" but but. I had to get over it, get over myself, and get to AA. I got sober, I have kept my 'high profile career' and life in the community. I have never been "outed" and honestly, at this stage, I woudlnt care. I'm sober, I'm fully present for my wonderful children who yes, deserve that at a bare bones minimum. And turns out so did I, so did my husband, and life is good. In fact its great.
I wouldnt trade the ability to drink socially (which I don't have) let alone get black out drunk -- for anything. I'm grateful every day for the gift of desperation which led to the gift of sobriety.