Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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solo60 03/26/2011

Sometime this summer I will be having a week long visit from a man I have loved deeply but have not seen for about five years. I believe he feels the same for me but at this point we are 2000 miles apart. We talk on the phone several times a week . He is employed and what I believe would be described as a highly functional individual. He had shared that he had been in treatment for alcoholism in the past. I guess I believed it was a problem he had conquered. About two weeks ago he shared that he was returning to treatment and that he would not be calling me while he was there...for a month...no contact. I need to know what to say to his man that I love when I next hear from him. I am concerned but I have never had this experience before. I don't know how to be what he needs now. Should I ask questions about his treatment or would most people in his position not want to talk about that? We have always spoken openly about our thoughts, feelings, problems but this was an exception. At least I hope this is the only exception. When he comes to visit ,how should I be about the glass of wine I'd normally offer to guests who will be here to see him? I live on a lake. Wine on the patio or on the pontoon are part of the social life in the summer. I would gladly throw out every drop of alcohol in the place but does doing that help him, insult him, anger him? Please help me learn. I do intend on going to the meetings for family and friends of alcoholics also but I would value your input as well.Thank you.

PJ54 03/27/2011

Hello solo60,

There is not a lot to add to what cabledude has already stated, except that you could talk to your friend a bit more about this. If you know him quite well, why not ask him the questions you have asked here.

Many alcoholics that I know would not trust themselves around alcohol and some would definitely drink again if they were exposed to such temptation. I also know many alcoholics who are practicing a programme of recovery that has resulted in a complete change of thinking where alcohol is concerned and these people would be at ease in the company of people who drink.

The big question for you and your friend is this: Has he just quit drinking or has he made a start on dealing with the causes? If he is dealing with it, his visit should not be a problem. On the other hand, if he has just quit but has not taken other action, perhaps he should not be putting himself so close to temptation.

ExJerseyGirl2 03/27/2011

Sounds like he is a good friend. You say you don't know how to be what he needs right now. Sure you do. Just be his friend -- that's what he needs. You might have a few award moments at first -- ask him "how're doing, how was it?" Let him know that you aren't sure what to say about it, and if he wants to talk about it that's great, and if he doesn't, that's great too. He might not want to talk about it right away and will bring it up in time. Don't pretend it didn't happen -- that builds a wall between you two.

BTW, it is standard and healthy that he is not contacting you while he is in treatment. That is not a statement about your friendship -- it is part of his path to recovery.

When I quit, I was fine with others drinking, but during the first few months it was easier when I wasn't around it. Ask him. And even if he says that he is okay with wine around, keep it to a minimum.

And have some nice special fruit juices or sparkling water on hand that you can offer to him.

solo60 03/27/2011

I am truly greatful for all of your responses. You have touched me deeply with your thoughts and suggestions. I will, indeed, be a friend. He has shared that I am the only person who he can talk to openly and I will make that part easy for him. We were each other's first love and now it looks likw we will be the last love for each other as well. He is a good man. I was amazed when he told me that his residential treatment period was aimed at helping him understand WHY he is an alcoholic. That seems all to obvious to me. The two men who had the most influence on him, his father and grandfather, were both alcoholics and he, like most men, rate their own value based on their careers. He was highly successful and always played an important part in his organization in his younger years. Now into retirement he doesn't feel valued. I suspect he uses alcohol to numb the pain he feels and the lonliness. I need to be careful myself. I have become aware that I tend to be the "rescuer" type and I have always believed that love can fix anything but I cannot allow myself to be an enabler. I will stand with him but I have come to accept that I can't fix anyone but myself. Again, thank you. May God bless all of you for your kindness. I will use all of the advice you offered today. It has a permanent place in my memory bank.

solo60 04/19/2011

Today I got a call from the man I wrote you about a few weeks ago. He's just out of rehab. I followed your advice and we had a very reconnecting conversation. Thank you again. I have one question though. He seemed OK telling me about HIS state of mind but when I asked him to tell me more about the program and whether or not it was a 12 step..what I might do to help etc. he answered something about the fact that they are asked not to talk about the program itself. That seemed odd to me. Is that standard operating procedure? The patients shouldn't talk about the program? The only thing he would share about it is that he should take one day ay a time and that he should concentrate on taking care of himself first....both points I would expect . So can you tell me? Is this common practice? Don't talk about the program?

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