Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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whitefingers 05/25/2009

It's weird, I'm 103 days sober, I'm doing okay, but summer is coming on strong... vacationing and yardwork and fishing, we opened the pool yesterday... It's going well, I'm enjoying my yard, I'm enjoying the new outlook of sobriety, learning new things about myself... but the evenings are still difficult.

I go out to dinner with my husband, and I know he wants to have a beer. And he should be able to, right? I'm the one in recovery. I'm the one who was sneaking around, standing in my closet and drinking, smuggling vodka in water bottles... I find myself encouraging him to have a drink! Go ahead, I say, it's okay! I'm fine! And it's a lie. I'm not fine. Well, sorta fine. And sorta not. Maybe I'm testing myself, to see if I can handle him drinking in front of me.

He's said he will never have alcohol in our house again. I didn't ask him to say or do that. And sometimes he says things and then goes back on them. I have to get his stuff in writing.

I think he has a problem with alcohol too, as he was almost as sneaky as I was, just last year, I would find 40 oz beer bottles stuck ALL OVER the yard, or IN HIS SOCK DRAWER. 40's!!! It's a special kind of drinker that goes for the 40's, you know... But at least now he admits he was hiding his drinking.

I just can't believe I find myself saying to him, go ahead, HAVE A BEER. I don't want him to have a beer, I think he was headed toward a real problem. And yet, I don't want him to feel he's sacrificing FOR ME, sacrifice for YOURSELF, buddy, is what I want to say to him. Admit that YOU have a problem with alcohol, not that you're supporting your wife, and OHHHH BOOO HOOO, the sacrifice!!!

Or am I just projecting?

deleted_user 05/25/2009

His drinking, his decisions about whether or not to drink in the house, or around you is entirely his business, not yours.

Concentrate on what you need to do to grow and move forward in your own recovery rather than worry about what he is doing. If you do that your view of things will change anyway.

Why not try out some alanon meetings? It's ok to be a member of both fellowships!

deleted_user 05/25/2009

I agree, that is his side of the street.

My sponsor always says to me, "check your motives"

This is where I work the steps and my program.

I know that for me, as long as I focus on my side of the street and stay there, I end up having a lot more serenity in general. and natural answers come.

Take care of you. ODAAT

deleted_user 05/25/2009

Oh goodness, it sound like you're trying to set yourself up. It sounds to me like you want him to drink, and then you will be drinking because he drank in front of you. This coming from an alcoholic mind...me. (o;

Please, don't encourage anyone to have a drink who you think may also have a problem with alcohol. This is good for both of you to go through Together!

See at this point it just doesn't matter Why he isn't drinking, so long as he Isn't. Ya know?

If you think his motives are for a pat on his back, try to think, 'oh well, at least he's not drinking.' Let him bask in the glory of your recover if he must. It just doesn't matter when it comes to YOU getting sober! Just keep doing what you're doing, please!

Isn't it be nice to sit around sober together for a change? (o;

donttread 05/25/2009

I would say if he doesn't drink at dinner or have alcohol in the house it could be good for both of you. Not up to you to encourage him to drink.
Unless, you're underage hidding alcohol ain't normal.

rivalino 05/25/2009

just read rainbows reply. Think she may have something there .First paragraph never crossed my mind till i read it but we alcoholics have devious minds , i know i did
when your partner drinks round the house it can be a difficult test. My wife has allways enjoyed a drink at home. she didnt offer to stop when i got sober and to be honest i would have felt guilty asking .So i just accepted alcohol was in the fridge and garage as ever .I just thought if i am going to pick up and there wasnt any in the house nearest shop is only 5 mins a bar 3 mins so it wouldent make a lot of difference
tricky for you also as you say your husband admits to hiding his drink. You and i know a normel social drinker dosent do that but i agree with serenity.Thats his stuff.Your dealing with you recovery one day at a time best wishes

deleted_user 05/25/2009

It will all come out in the wash. If he doesn't want to drink don't go there... hopefully he will, if he hasn't already, maybe it's working on him, figure it out through your sobriety. I've seen many couples who realize they were alcoholic as well when the first one gets sober. Just share your experience for your own sobriety and let it go. It's true love that wouldn't want to drink around you anyway.

whitefingers 05/25/2009

I get that it's his business, whether he drinks or not. But he was sitting at this dinner, actually, it was an event, it was Night at The Races, you know, with the gambling and the horses and the socializing with strangers and stuff... and he was agitated, his horses weren't winning, and he was sorta lamenting to me how he could really use a BEER, but NO, I'm not going to do that in front of YOU, and blah blah blah... until I was just, SHEESH, get a damn beer, I'm really okay with it! But I was lying. I'm not okay with it, mostly because he was a sneaky damn drinker, just like me. I know he has to come to that conclusion on his own. But he's putting it on ME, like his decisions are based on MY recovery.

However he wants to think about it, whatever he thinks are his motives, I do recognize and appreciate that he's being supportive, in whatever manner he thinks is support. He's trying. I will be telling him that I appreciate that.

I honestly don't feel like if he drinks in front of me it's going to be my excuse to relapse, and then I can blame it on him. But who knows, you could be right, who knows what your brain's really up to...

Thanks so much for the input, and for telling me to mind MY recovery, you're right.

It just occured to me, here's my most likely motive for encouraging him to drink: So that when he does, I can feel superior. I'm evil like that. :)

deleted_user 05/25/2009

Maybe you will be his inspiration to not drink at first. That's okay.

donttread 05/25/2009

Look at this way you don't want to encourage someone with a drinking problem to drink .. do you?

deleted_user 05/25/2009

These sound like games that are going to in the end lead to nowhere-especially not health. Can you try and disconnect from him-mentally? As much as he wants to play games don't engage? This drama is going to go in circles-and only you can jump ship.

CoogeeMum 05/25/2009

Hey whitefingers. You need to focus on your sobriety here. Your husband may not understand what's going on, feel guilty about his drinking, and if he has a problem, your actions in your sobriety, and your focus on making it your top priority may help him too. But you can't be telling each other what to do in life. You need to support each other and talk yeah.

I can see Rainbow's point here, who is it you may be saying 'go on have a beer to'. Be careful, it's still early days. I needed help when I first got sober, my husband didn't understand a lot of what was going on, so I needed a support network of people who did. AA helped me there. Good job on 103 days. Keep persevering, it get's better. CM xxx

deleted_user 05/25/2009

I'm right there with ya. My husband hasn't drank since new years (supposedly doing it for me). I used to find those same beer cans all over our garage. He would never admit a "problem" with drinking, but we really enable each other. I don't know the answer, but I can completely relate :-)

whitefingers 05/28/2009

New development: He turned 40 a couple days ago, he was being all introspective and stuff, like ya DO when you turn 40, and he said, "you know what, I'm done drinking too. I don't want it in my life any more." (!!!) Holy shit!! It really seemed to be his decision this time, his decision about HIS life. Not mine. Or rather, our lives together... We went to Family Services last night, just he and I, our first time for counseling... it was great! We left with an assignment: to find our way back to fun, find things to do together that are fun, this time without the alcohol. I'm going to like this assignment!

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