yes absolutely. And if I waited for them to support me before I got well i'd still be sick right there with them.
Let it go is my best advice. focus on cleaning up your side of the street, and on just doing the next right thing. people will do what they do and we can't *do* a thing about it.

I should try to let it go. I can't control her, only how I respond to it. It's just hard to have a good relationship with her when she is like this. When she makes comments like that it really just makes me feel like I hate her.

Maybe the answer is that I shouldn't have relationships with people that aren't supportive, regardless of who they are. Not to say that I should cut all ties, but I could keep things a little more distant and not get too emotionally involved.

I remember the raw nerves of early sobriety and I was guided to avoid extremes of emotion, to take my feelings to another alcoholic so I could have a sounding board/safety valve and maybe pick up some useful tools to try from their experience.

Strong feelings of anger, disappointment etc were dangerous for me with drink so close and I needed to look at the bigger picture. It's good you can voice your feelings here and get feedback.

One thing I learned early on is that not many people who can take or leave alcohol can understand why an alcoholic does what he/she does - simply because they have a normal reaction. Alcoholic behaviour has a huge impact and that is why all are affected when close to the alcoholic. An example is I don't remember what I did when I was in blackout or dead drunk but chances are they do.

The sniping, cajoling or whatever the attitude that comes out has its root in fear, not being able to protect themselves and you as they might wish. Guilt can be big too, maybe even a feeling it is somehow their fault and it is a bit easier to point a finger than examine their own feelings in the short term.

I meet people from Al-Anon often as we have a combined meeting once a month. Yes some are angry and some of them are getting on with life despite what their alcoholic is doing. Al-Anon has their 12 Steps too, it's up to members to make the most of what is on offer, just like AA.

My family had to detach from me from a long time to save their sanity, we had some big run-ins along the way. It's all too close when family love is involved. Once sobriety was established and I started to make progress things rapidly improved between us. Even if they had not I believe that the essential changes I went through made me okay with me no matter what.

I'm sorry to hear your issues regarding your mom but I think we all have issues l( whether little or big)with our parents or family .
My advice is you can choose to be better , not bitter .
You can't control other people . Stay away from negative toxic people
Hugs

I dont have such family members as I have never looked to my family for support when it came to alcoholism but I have seen a similar situation with someone I know. It has been a long struggle but this lady is finally coming to recognise that it is not what her family say or do that matters but how she reacts to it.

I learned a lot of useless shit at school and at one time I could tell you such things as the capital cities of just about every country in the world. One thing I never learned at school was how to interact with other people or how to change my thinking so that I would not get angry or resentful. Once I lost control over alcohol I had to look for help and it was there that I learned that as an alcoholic I could not afford to harbour resentment as it would be likely to drive me back to drinking and for me, to drink is to die. I had to ask someone to show me how to deal with those things as I did not have a clue.

What you do is not my business but I hope that you will soon find the answers. Not having relationships with people who are not supportive is going to cut you off from a lot of people and isolation is bad for people like us. In my opinion, it is better to learn how to deal with people, places and things as it is in that way that you will find the freedom to live your life to the full.

I was very sensitive before I sobered up. I took things way too seriously and found that the real reason I was mad is because the other ppl were right.

Today I try to weta life like a loose garment.

1is2many

Wear..

Thank you all for your responses. I got a lot out of all of them and realize that I do need to understand that they don't understand me, and let it go.

No matter how much I tell them about it, I don't think there is any way to get a non-alcoholic to really understand what goes on in my mind and body. I know my family loves me, it's just a lack of understanding and knowledge.....and they shouldn't be to blame for that.

So since they don't understand and won't be able to provide me with any useful advice or guidance, might as well look elsewhere for support and accept that that part of my life won't be discussed with them.

Thank you all, as always.

So sorry to hear this. I don't know where I'd be without the support of my immediate and AA family. That is why meetings are so important. Unless you have walked in our shoes there is no way you can really understand. Hang in there and try not to let negativity get in the way of recovery.

Peace

Yes my mother did the same thing and made me feel totally angry I even told her. Now she uses it as an excuse to be a bitch....

Your mother sounds miserable. If you take her in too much, you may be driven to drink.

I'd explore the fact that you are in a toxic relationship with her and just focus on bettering yourself.

Let go of the bitterness Jay and realize "she has a problem" with being compassionate toward your accomplishment of admitting you have a problem and starting to do something about it.

My mother is the same way. When I was in AA for 6 years...and didn't go the last 2 years. She said "I'm so glad you stopped going, those meetings made you so selfish". She said "You would jump up and run to go to these all holy meetings". Mind you I would jump up after being at her house for 4 hours already. She is lonely and angry and wanted me to stay at least 4 more hours.

My Mom refused to give me any praise for stopping drinking. When I approached her about that She said she didn't believe that I could do it and didn't want to get her hopes up. But I was at the 6 year point when I mentioned it was my anniversary and she TOTALLY ignored my comment and called to my Dad for something from the other room...That's when I addressed her and said she gave me no credit.

I knew..just like YOU know..you are doing the right thing for yourself. Don't let anyone bring you down....remember they have their own "issues" that sometimes make them not such nice people...LOL

I'm sorry you're going through that :( It seems to be very common among family members. My family is the same. My dad actually says that I need to learn how to drink. Some people just don't get it.

Yes I am finding that most non-alcoholics just have absolutely no concept of what the addiction is like at all. I am learning to be understanding towards them because it isn't their fault that they don't understand our addiction.

Sometimes I will comment about being proud of myself for having a day where I don't think about drinking or a day I want to drink and overcome it. I have learned the reason my family doesn't praise these little accomplishments is because to them, they aren't accomplishments at all. And that is just because they have no understanding and have no way of gaining any perspective on the subject. So I need to put myself in their shoes to see that maybe they aren't trying to be hurtful; they just don't get it.

But I have found that being on the phone with my mom in particular makes me want to drink oftentimes, so I am going to try to lessen those convos, at least for awhile until I can find a healthier way of dealing with her.

JAYUS..I had to avoid my mother for the first 6 months of my sobriety and that really pissed her off...but she WAS MY TRIGGER.

My youngest son I couldn't avoid and HE WAS ENOUGH STRESS.

My oldest is addicted to heroin so he "gets its".

My youngest always says...why are you celebrating accomplishing something you shouldn't be doing in the first place. He asked me the other day.....Should he celebrate accomplishing not killing anyone this year (because he frequently wants to)...when he said "I shouldn't be doing that to begin with?".

I snapped and told him..OK son...we are no longer going to talk about addiction together because I will never agree with you and you will never agree with me.....so lets agree to disagree here....maybe you can say that next time you feel anxious with your mother. :)

Your not alone...Jayus...I feel your pain...I truly do.