Hello Mom2girlies,

You can break the cycle if you are prepared to do whatever it takes. Otherwise, you are likely to keep repeating the past, with or without your husband.

There are two basic facts about alcoholism that you may wish to consider. The first is that once an alcoholic takes a drink, even after being sober for a long time, he or she will crave more alcohol. Therefore, it is not the sixth or the sixteenth drink that does the harm but the first one. If you can avoid the first drink, the craving for more cannot develop.

The second thing to consider is that alcoholism is a disease of the mind. An alcoholic becomes obsessed with drinking and will always find an excuse to drink. Some people call it triggers but there are no triggers as such – just an obsession with alcohol. My bet is that if your husband turned into the perfect prince charming in the morning or if he was out of your life completely, you would still find reasons to drink.

Going back to AA and getting more counselling is a good start, but only a start. Are you willing to seek help and change your way of thinking? I see a lot of blame and justification in your post and that is not unusual for an alcoholic. However, until you disregard other people and concentrate on what part you played, you are unlikely to make progress. Your husband cannot make you feel bad about yourself – you are the only one who can do that.

If you are serious about sobriety, you may wish to consider getting a good sponsor who will guide you through the Twelve Steps. The result of that will be that you will be sober and get to like the person that you are. With that sort of thinking, nobody can trigger you to drink or make you feel bad about yourself.

The answers are in the Steps.

Thank you so much for taking time to read and reply to my post. I think I was realizing that. I am the only one responsible. I have made justifications for years and I am ready to make the changes needed to get and stay sober and like the person I am. It helps a lot to hear it from someone else. Thanks so much.

I kept repeating the same neurotic patterns that made me miserable so I could blame somebody else for it and self medicate my pain by drinking. I went through outpatient treatment where I was treated for my underlying issues that triggered my own drinking. When I left treatment, the first thing I did was get rid of my old drinking buddies. Then I stayed as far away from alcohol as possible until I felt comfortable in the presence of others who were drinking and that took a couple of years.

9 years ago, I stopped making one excuse after another to justify my drinking. I got help for my addiction because I knew I couldn't do it alone, although I tried hundreds of times. Alone did not work for me. After treatment, I stayed on top of things by attending regular AA meetings. I had an AA sponser who guided me along my path of recovery and because of the help I receive, alcohol no longer owns me.

I highly recommend in or outpatient treatment and/or AA. Have an honest discussion with your doctor who will be the first to offer help and will point you in the right direction. Good luck and keep in touch. The path you take on your road to recovery, might help someone else.

God Bless

I have read the book of Alcoholics Anonymous several times cover to cover and I only ran across the term "trigger" once. The reference was regarding a loaded shotgun used in suicide. That indicates to me that 75+ years ago when the recovery program of AA was developed, the concept of a "trigger" for drinking was non-existent. There are however, countless references to one's character defects, selfishness and self-will as the contributing factors in problem drinking and alcoholism.

The term "triggers" is a fairly new one coined by the rehab and addiction industries. Triggers is a much softer word then "excuses", "reasons" and "justifications" for drinking. You use your husband's behavior as your excuse, your reason and your justification to drink.
And the sooner you lose the idea that outside forces compel you to pick up the bottle, the better your recovery will be.

I appreciate your feedback. I do however already realize that, hence the reason for me saying I know I cant blame him, I know ultimately I am the one who chooses to pick up the bottle. That was the reason for the post. I was just wanting an outlet a place to put my thoughts into visual words so that I had to read them. I know that I make excuses. This is what I am working on is taking responsibility.

Boy, do I know this story well. I was verbally abusive during my marriage, but I didn't know it. It wasn't always with bad intentions, but it was abuse that now I carry a lot of guilt about still.
I learned this abuse growing up from my father I suppose, but it just seemed normal to me. I don't think most people knew about abuse then and you sure never talked about anything like that. It was very bad when I drank. I would wake up feeling awful about the things I said. It seemed that I was forever saying I was sorry the next day.
I was so messed up back then. Didn't know a thing about alcoholism. Didn't understand anything that people tried telling me. I thought of suicide most of the time. I would have sudden crying times on the way from and to work. I wanted to have a happy family, and I loved my wife a lot but didn't know how to show it. I had to learn about life all the hard ways. No one ever taught me things, and I had no guidance from my father or anyone else. You didn't talk about your problems or show feelings. I didn't know what they were. So I drank more as I went along life.
That was many years ago and I carry so much guilt now. It cost me my marriage and children. It took me a few years to even see that I was abusive or to admit it to myself. I see it very clearly now, but it's still very hard to know what I did.
From what you wrote, yes, you are in a toxic marriage that will not work, and will only get worse as time goes on. It's not love. When you love someone you don't do that kind of stuff. You want your partner to grow and be happy. You want to help them, and it gives you pleasure to know that your part of their happiness. So many people miss that nowadays.
From what you wrote your husband is abusive and controlling. He uses your mistakes to keep you down. He puts you down to make himself seem as if he is a better person. He hasn't, and won't forgive you because that would mean that he would have to look at himself and admit his own faults. It takes asking for help to be able to do that and it takes a long time to recover, but he doesn't want to do that.
He's still an active alcoholic playing games with it by trying to control you and everything else around him so that he can have things just the way he wants. You will always just be something that is secondary to him.
If you want to recover, and really deal with your alcoholism it's going to take all you can to do that. It's really not easy. It can be very hard. It's even harder to try while another person is putting you down instead of encouraging and supporting you.
I'm sorry if I seem to be too open. I know most people around recovery practice not giving advice, their opinions, or views on personal problems, but I have a hard time with that. I've messed up my life so much that I feel all I can do is say the truth because of my own mistakes. I can't sit by, or keep my mouth shut about things that I relate to. It's just not me.
And somehow this reply to you got down here. I guess I wasn't all that awake when I started. Anyway, I do wish you all the best and hope you make the right decisions. Not only for yourself but your kids too. Have a great day, and be good. James

Thank you James. I really appreciate your advice. I can see that it came from your heart and that you really mean only to help me. This is exactly why I joined this online support group. Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. You made some things very clear for me. God bless you.