Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Hey ya'll. I'm new to this forum, and the page, after my mother in law suggested finding a support group for myself.
I should probably start at the beginning anyway. My husband has been a functional alcoholic since his last tour in Iraq in 2006. It started as a coping mechanism for his PTSD and has spiraled since then. In the beginning I was an enabler, I have no dispute or excuse for that. It was helping him sleep without nightmares and after they diagnosed him with PTSD, but refused to help him cope he pleaded with me that he had to do something to help himself through.
He's never been a happy drunk, but it steadily got worse after that. He would threaten to kill himself or find someone who wouldn't ask him to take it easy for the night if he had to drink at all. The actual verbal and physical attacks didn't start until after he was discharged. The verbal attacks and the threats remain, but it's been almost a year since his last physical attack.
I've asked myself a million times why I still believe him when he says he'll cut down or stop altogether, and even though I've had plans in place to leave he always begs me to stay and have patience. Swearing he'll stop, admitting he knows he has a problem, promising to change... and for a few weeks or months it's better, but it always circles back.
It breaks my heart to love him so much and to watch him destroy himself, knowing it hurts me, knowing "the monster" as he calls it will rear it's head after the first bottle is gone, but refusing to stop. I tell myself every time to not let it bother me, not let his words hurt me because that's the door he uses to get angry and what he says just gets uglier. I remind myself that it's just the booze talking and that he'll take it all back when he sobers up. I try to tell him how it effects me, but after he says he's sorry once I tell him what he said he doesn't want to hear how much it really hurts. I'm trying to stay strong, to keep fighting for him so he doesn't lose himself completely, and trying to keep hope that a part of him really does mean it when he swears that he wants to stop so things will get better.
I should probably start at the beginning anyway. My husband has been a functional alcoholic since his last tour in Iraq in 2006. It started as a coping mechanism for his PTSD and has spiraled since then. In the beginning I was an enabler, I have no dispute or excuse for that. It was helping him sleep without nightmares and after they diagnosed him with PTSD, but refused to help him cope he pleaded with me that he had to do something to help himself through.
He's never been a happy drunk, but it steadily got worse after that. He would threaten to kill himself or find someone who wouldn't ask him to take it easy for the night if he had to drink at all. The actual verbal and physical attacks didn't start until after he was discharged. The verbal attacks and the threats remain, but it's been almost a year since his last physical attack.
I've asked myself a million times why I still believe him when he says he'll cut down or stop altogether, and even though I've had plans in place to leave he always begs me to stay and have patience. Swearing he'll stop, admitting he knows he has a problem, promising to change... and for a few weeks or months it's better, but it always circles back.
It breaks my heart to love him so much and to watch him destroy himself, knowing it hurts me, knowing "the monster" as he calls it will rear it's head after the first bottle is gone, but refusing to stop. I tell myself every time to not let it bother me, not let his words hurt me because that's the door he uses to get angry and what he says just gets uglier. I remind myself that it's just the booze talking and that he'll take it all back when he sobers up. I try to tell him how it effects me, but after he says he's sorry once I tell him what he said he doesn't want to hear how much it really hurts. I'm trying to stay strong, to keep fighting for him so he doesn't lose himself completely, and trying to keep hope that a part of him really does mean it when he swears that he wants to stop so things will get better.
Hugs,
Dennis
Where are his family in all of this? Maybe an intervention is in order for him, too.
PTSD is a toughie- I have it and I used drink to escape and go numb.
One thing, though- you can't fight for him- only he can do that. That's like you holding up your finger like it's a gun, expecting him to hit a bull's eye by you clicking your air gun.
I have to say that your personal safety should come first. (Enough said)
It really sounds like you love him dearly, and you should know it is a tough battle to win and will drain you, unless you develop your resources. The more you understand about the disease, the greater potential you have to developing a treatment relative to you and him. I wish my partner did not give up on me, because I still love them dearly to this day.
Denny mentioned Al-Anon which is a great source for family and spouses of alcoholics. Addiction counseling and therapy could help you understand this as well. DeliAnnem had a good idea of recording him sometime, and strengthening your support group by adding family members can help ease your tensions and increase his opportunity of acknowledgement and wellness.
I often wondered if non-alcoholics could go to an AA meeting to get the perspective of an alcoholic. So many times I have heard that no alcoholic meant to do the things they did. As an alcoholic myself, knowing this fact helped me with my own addiction and helped me as a supervisor working with functional alcoholics. I wonder if you could go to listen to the stories?
I hope you can develop your support group through family, resources, and knowledge so the two of you can overcome this.
Best wishes!
As for his family, they know. His mother went to alanon meetings for years to help her cope with her own addiction, and his father leaned on her for support in his own battle with the bottle. They've made the remarks that I can't help him until he's ready to actually, and have asked me numerous times to please just leave him until he can get himself together. I worry, though, if that would be a tipping point that sends him over the edge into doing what he threatens to do.
The VA says his health is strong enough that he doesn't rate any therapies for his addiction or his PTSD, and his friends are all in the same boat of self-medication. My support system is made mostly of their wives who are like me.
I have three beautiful children. They were very young when I got sober 3.5 years ago but I never in a million years would have guessed I'd drink *after* having them. And I can tell you unequivocally I'd die for them then as I would now. But get sober? No I couldnt.
So don't look at this as lack of love for you --- its alcoholism. Its awful. But you can be well. Your MIL is wonderful btw to suggest you get help.