The last two weeks, I haven't gone to as many meetings as usual.  Was this a good thing?  Absolutely not.  When I search, fearlessly, I see, I didn't go to the meetings, because I wanted to make money and build a career more so than maintain my sobriety.  It required a bunch of willpower to make the money, and stay in good standing career wise, and it got done, but of course the money wasn't "enough" to my untreated alcoholism now that it is over. 

The things I choose to do over go to meetings that help my destination towards a career, weren't as bad as the money chasing, I felt like the beginning of quality relationships probably was built.  The end result of both was me feeling very worn out physically, me not having much power mentally to make the exact correct choice or decisions with little things, and my spirit not as motivated or uplifting as it can be.  

Love the principle of reset, but along the lines of examinging what the thinking was, I will continue.  I see now that I was also critical of the meeting I go to, and that is why I told myself I could manage just as good as if I went to the meeting, when having to decide if I was going to take the money chasing opportunities and career steps.  I also see that I let influences outside of AA, persuade me to gain interest in opportunties that didn't fall in line with what an alcoholic has to do, and were more on the selfish side than I should be comfortable with. 

I saw that my diet, excercise plan, sleep patterns, and rest time, were all modified in the negative, I compromised way too much on them, thinking the end would be justifying the means, but after getting the checks, and seeing the ripple effects of how my house, car, and family life are not where I want them to be, I have to conclude, I forgot what my primary purpose was for the last two weeks. 

It's all good though, because even though through mental calculation I wasn't remembering that my primary purpose as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is to stay sober and help other alcohlics, I still was able to follow some core principles and objectives that were already ingrained in my spirit.  For instance I kept up with my sponsee, listened to a number of speaker tapes, prayed, read, had quality moments of honesty and unselfishness, and recognized that unchecked and untreated, I can have some really negative and poisonous outburst bubbling on the inside, when stressed, irritated, and pressured. 

I had two quality, short and to the point, conversations with my sponsor that was centering, and I also had some great moments when I found humor in a shit show, which counteracted the flood of resentment (the majority justified) that was pumping about in my brain. 

Going forward I need to do a better job of planning a life that isn't interested in being as non-committal towards my meeting agenda.  The agenda for me is a specific meeting, at a specific time, at a specific place, around specific people, who I consider to be my "help."  I feel more whole when I "go to the meeting", it is a phrase I've heard from family, friends, and community way too often to not have faith in.   

I also noticed that these new opportunities I got, which included areas where I could cash grab, and impress, gave me reason to grow frightened at non-alcoholic judgment, of me being an alcoholic, and my desire to manipulate and not get real with myself on how I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over that fundamentally if I am honest and humble about it.  In simpler terms, I thought lying to those I thought I had to impress or stay in a good grace with was a good idea, because I am still tyranized by the very real prospect of people getting to know who I really am.  I can see now that was wrong thinking, and I should be very concerned about that becoming a real part of my life again, more so than I am concerned with building wealth or getting more.  The meetings allow me an opportunity to 100 percent be myself.    

I have to give myself a D for the way I treated my alcoholism these last two weeks.  I had a great holiday season, and last Monday was the start or a determination to do great this spring.  I created a plan, and so far, the plan was flawed because it neglected the importance of the meeting I go to for me personally.  I also shared my plan with little to no one, I think I shared it with my sponsor and he acted supportive and was nice about it in response, but I'm sure he knew I was biting off more than I could chew like I do often. 

There were definite elements of greed, driven by fear in my plan, that I made two weeks ago on how I was going to kill it this spring, there was a good amount of inconsideration of others interests too, and that was born out of me thinking they didn't matter enough to be completely considered.  Super arrogant disposition in my plan, a defininte "I am, the aren't" policy in my plan, major amounts of competing with little to no regard for the other guy in my plan, lots of unchecked and unruly selfishness in my plan I see now.    

Greed, selfishness, and inconsideration, being realities has me not wanting to put too much stock into myself that I will do much but stagnate, outside of my unchecked willpower right now, and it's good to know that I know now that I was being driven by something I want to get rid of.

I've got to admit I had a few very attractive women in my eyes, around me for periods of time, who seemed intrigued by how I was doing business, and there was a bit of flirting and fun conversation that consisted there as well.  I noticed though, those women, after some time to think about it, the next time I would see them, they were hesistant to participate again, as if they were thinking the principles I was displaying not as great as they seamed to potentially be when showcasing them for them, which I really resented.  I know that is a pride deal, and I am grateful that those women didn't encourage my actions and thinking, even thought for them it must have been valuable, I was genuinely nice, put them above everyone else without any shame while doing it, and gave them the perfect amount of space, even though I am modestly assuming they wouldn't have objected if I became much closer. 

I say all of that because this post has elements of peering into what was driving my financial drive, my security within, and my desire to be involved in other's lives, in this case women who I find attractive.  My financial drive I can see was a bit to selfish for real success, my security was a bit too needy and insecure in regards to importance in society, and my intimacy and sexual instincts were genuinely good, but I think that feeling of being "right" might have dominated the other two instincts, in where I was thinking if I had more money, and more respect it would help my genuinely good agenda with the opposite sex, even better.  I think I forgot that I am not the one who decides if something is good or bad when showing an interest in women I want relationships with.  In this area I think me letting them make their decisions but knowing I will always support anything they want in the future, despite what I am hoping happens, was a very healthy reality. 

I know this post was lengthy, and I am happy to say I have not posted these lengthy ones in a while now, but I just feel so comfortable sharing on this site, it's been such a support for me for such a long time. 

Thank You