I have a person in my life where it seems everything he does, my response is "this guy!"  I am not saying "this guy!" being impressed with him, I am saying "this guy!" angrily disappointed at how wrong he is and how inconsiderate I believe him to be.  On top of that, if I were to address the concern, it would go in one ear, and out the other.  I have to interact with this person daily, the reason they are in my life is because I invited them into it.  The invitation was after a conversation which included a plan, which the guy isn't doing, but at the time was lying to me saying he would, and the end result is unnecessary frustrations, lingering anger, and just an overall negative feeling we know in AA as resentment.

I am going to do a fourth step, on the problem.  At this point, if you're interested in the AA program, I have admitted I am personally powerless over alcohol, when ingesting it I do not say no to more, and I have a mind that no matter how much effort is put forth in wanting to, cannot manage my own personal life.  After admitting that, knowing it is the strongest reality I can buy into, I need some sort of power that helps, particularly with issues like this one I am telling you all about.  I can admit if not addressed and treated, this anger at this guy, will give reason to my ego and alcoholism to strongly persuade me that drinking, will give me relief from what I see him doing as intolerable.  I can believe or know I will come to believe, that something other than my body that doesn't stop when starting to drink alcohol, and my mind that cannot defend itself from drinking or going insane over things that are bothersome, can restore myself to sanity.  I then, decide, that God, who I understand to be a legit power greater than myself with could possibly help, and in order to do so, I can surrender to his love and care, in regards to me going forward in my thinking and will.  I can do this generally, but I can also do this with specific situations, like this one I am aggravated over. 

Now that I can say with clarity and confidence I am powerless in two areas, and will require some power to not let those two areas get the best of me, and can decide to accept help, I can now, with confidence because I am hopeful and optimistic enough that a solution is in the works, do an inventory of the exact reasoning and natures why "this guy!" is making me want to drink and enabling me to go insane.  From experience I know, at the end of the process, it's going to be me, more so, than the guy, who is the problem. 

The AA literature which I choose to use for help, let's me know if I use resentment as a fuel to live life, it will boomerang around and offend me.  That offense will include disease that attack my spirit, and disallow it to grow and feel functional.  It says that the more resentment I have, the less my mental and physical self with be healthy.  It says if I treat this resentment with spirituality I will get better mentally and spiritually.  AA asks me to write the resentment down on paper.  I do not know why exactly it asks me to do this, but I can guess it is so I can see it with my own eyes, and that it is out of my head.  AA then asks me to ask myself why I am angry at "this guy!"  The answer is he is not helpful, he is a liar, he is shady, he is selfish, he is a threat to my sobriety, he is a slob, he is wicked ignorant and arrogant, he is a loser, he is a problem, he generates worry, he doesn't appreciate help, he is a burden on people who don't want problems and are just trying to live honest and humble lives.  AA then asks me if these reasons why affect my financial security, my future security, the security of my personal relationships both sexual and non-sexual, and my self-esteem.  The answer is yes he is a negative influence in working, spending, saving, his crap, always affects the right thing to do with attempting to build a financial well-being with less to worry about.  Yes he affects who I want to be, makes it hard to stay stopped from drinking.  Yes he affects the people I meet, the people who will need to make decision about if they want me to be in their lives.  Yes he affects how I feel, he obviously makes me feel ill.  AA uses the term, "burned up" as a position we get ourselves into when we rest with too much resentment.  I am at that point, the guy is exhausting me.  AA then tells me I am not completely the problem at this point of the process, and that I am more reacting like all humans do if they were treated like this guy treats others.  AA says he probably will not change, and if I don't change my reactions to it, I will be sore and sour, and trying to change him, or fighting the reality of the situation will just make things worse.  AA says if I keep holding onto the resentment, it will make me useless, and eventually could kill me.  If I am going to continue towards a wonderful life called sobriety, I will have to see this resentment as poison.  It asks me to look at what I've written, this guy, he sucks, and he's a liar, selfish, and a problem for not just me but also others, as a dominating influence in my mind's attempt to make decisions and live.  It also asks me to consider that I do not have the power to make it go away, or change the way this guy uses his self-will. 

Then AA suggests a solution.  It say, if I were to consider that this person is sick, I can then give reason to treating them as so, instead of treating them like they are the black plague, which they may or may not be.  AA says that doesn't mean I have to agree with what they do, or even like it, I can though, ask God to give me the grace and understanding it takes to forgive the guy, and feel fortunate I am not that far gone.  If I really believe that I myself am selfish by nature, and need to be less selfish to survive, I can then ask God to inspire me to be more helpful to this guy who my ego and attitude strongly am arguing is a bum who helps no one.  I am not to argue or react when the bum does bum things, I am to understand this guy is a bum, and this what bums do, and it is what it is, which includes I am not a bum and don't have to be either.  They guy also is showing me what will not work as an alcoholic if I want a great life that includes being a solution for others and God.  I am to pray for the power to be kind and tolerant to this person. 

Next, putting out of my mind the bum moves this guy makes daily, that aggravates anyone who is mature and responsible, I have to as a resolution, look at my own "bum moves" or mistakes that make me immature and irresposible.  I cannot with honesty say I am perfect and have a right to judge this guy if I am humble, and I have found that the more I complain and am critical of the way this guy is, the more my spirit reminds me of things I do that make me a hypocrite for judging him. 

After that, I now know that I said some things during hte intial conversation I have not done yet, I also know I was dishonet in thinking wishfully that inviting this guy into my life was more an attempt at a hero move from me, then an honest appraisal that he thought he needed change, and most of all, there is a great fear there that God wants me to suffer from this guy's crap, because he is angry at me. 

The nuggets of truth I have found, the exact nature of my wrongs in generating this problem for myself, are I was thinking about myself when I brought this guy into my life, I was not able to be honest about his potential to help it or his life, and I am in a self-relying state that I can solve problems, and that is creating a frustration and aggravation that is showing me I need God more than ever, with the little things I think are no big deal. 

I now know this is no longer a big deal since I have worked on recognizing a solution for it, the guy being a bum, for whatever reason, isn't as dominating anymore, I can now have some room to think of things that aren't problems.  I must going forward share this with another though, it will provide more healing and understanding.