Welcome Jennifer!! I can offer you that I was just like your boyfriend. I could and did go to functions and did not drink all the time. Like him though, I would drink at home pretty much every day. In the evenings, two vodka and tonics turned into three vodka and tonics and sometimes four depending upon how early I started drinking. For me, it was "me time". After working all day, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of the family....this was how I chose to reward myself. It is a very unhealthy pattern and I found myself unable to go to sleep without drinking and then waking up feeling crappy because of drinking. All this made the next day more difficult, more stressful, and fueled the need to drink again to "relax". It's a dangerous road to travel and I do think that had I continued in this manner it would have only been a matter of time before I started missing work and suffering health consequences. I do think it was inevitable for me.

He does the same thing... drinks to "relax". He has a very difficult time sleeping, and has since he was a kid. I've even tried to rationalize the drinking and try to make it ok by telling myself that it helps him sleep. But I know that part of the reason he isn't getting a good night's sleep is because of the drinking. It may help him fall asleep, but it keeps him from having a deep restful sleep. So.. that rationalization gets blown out the window.

He also has bathroom issues and recurring stomach problems - that he said he was willing to "do anything" to fix - he's in that much pain when it happens - and everything in me is screaming "it's the effin' alcohol!!"... but, I don't say anything. He knows how I feel about the drinking, so saying anything more is just redundant and a waste of my time.

His doctor also has him taking a B vitamin - a prescription thing - and I've read that people who are chronic abusers often are deficient in B vitamins.

Hello Jennifer75,

You have raised some interesting points and I will tell you what I think, based not on any expertise but on my own experience with drinking and getting sober.

The first thing to consider is if your boyfriend is an alcoholic and if he is, what are the implications for your future relationship? The definition of alcoholism is something that is often argued about but I found what was said at AA was good enough for me. I was told that it was a two-fold problem, with part of it in the mind and part in the body. Let us see how that may be related to your boyfriends drinking as you have described it.

Nothing happens to him. He's the same great guy. He doesn't get angry, irritable, mouthy, obnoxious, etc... he is still the sweet guy I know and love.
You could apply that description of many people who are without any doubt alcoholics and also to many who drink but are not alcoholics so we cannot learn much from that statement.

He can go an entire day - even a really crappy, stressful day - without a drink. He can come home from a crappy day of work and not reach for a drink. He can go to a friend's wedding and spend hours at the reception with friends who are drinking, and not have a drink. He can go to a BBQ in the summer with friends who are drinking, and not have a single drink.
Again, this does not prove the case one way or another. Alcoholics can go through crappy and stressful days without taking a drink but they may be fighting hard against the urge to drink. I know alcoholics who went to weddings and who did not drink, mostly because they had an overwhelmingly strong reason for not drinking. They could pit their willpower against the urge to drink and for that day at least, they would be successful. However, they would often make up for it over the following days. Therefore, this does not prove that your boyfriend is or is not an alcoholic.

But what he DOES do... every night - every single night - around 10pm or so, he pours a scotch. He'll have two or three glasses of scotch every night.
Now we are getting to the crux of the matter. He drinks heavily every night and he is drinking more than what is good for his health. He stops at his three glasses and no great problems arise as the result of his drinking. He seems to developing an obsession of the mind for alcohol which drives him to take those few drinks every night and that is the mental part of alcoholism. However, he stops after a few drinks so it looks like he has not developed a craving in the body which is the physical part of alcoholism. I cannot tell you for certain whether or not he is an alcoholic but in my opinion, he is not or at least, not yet.

However, you are right to be concerned about your boyfriends drinking because apart from the harm that he is potentially causing to his health, he is in danger of becoming an alcoholic. The trouble is that he probably does not see anything wrong with his drinking and is not fully aware of the dangers that he is facing. Or, he may well know or suspect that he is drinking too much but is unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

Once you confronted him and told him about your concerns he became defensive and ran away and that is not a good sign. There is nothing wrong with taking a couple of drinks at the end of a hard day but taking those drinks every day can develop into a habit that is difficult to break. I do not know what the answer is but I think that you need to do a lot of talking before you commit your future to your boyfriend. Be careful not to nag him as he may then use that as an excuse to drink more. However, you cannot just let this go either if you are concerned about it. Suggestions often work best. In that way, the person with the problem will be kept reminded about it but he can arrive at his own conclusions about any further action that he needs to take.

I would suggest you join an Alanon support group. The unfortunate thing is that there is nothing you can do to change his drinking habits. Alanon may help you learn how to cope with how you may be feeling about his drinking.

I started having difficulty sleeping in high school. Well beyond occasionally not being able to fall asleep. It was pretty awful. As I got older I used alcohol as a sleep aid. There were many times when I would get home very late, sober, and then have a few shots to help me fall asleep. Other times I would drink when I went out, come home and have a few more so I would pass out. Over time my drinking increased and it was every day, large quantities and no longer just to try to sleep. Since I have gotten sober I have seen a doctor about my insomnia. Wish I had done that in the first place... might have still ended up alcoholic, but maybe not....

My point here is that maybe he should see a doctor about his difficulty sleeping. There are non narcotic sleep aids and things he can do so he isn't self medicating every single night to unwind and relax enough to be able to fall asleep.

So your post is a bit contradictory. You say he can have a stressful day and not drink. And all sorts of other things and "not drink." Yet he drinks three scotches a day every day. So which is it?

Either way, it all just depends on him and of course on what you are willing to live with. For me, I didnt believe I was alcoholic as I could stop for months, even years. I also had a great career, I didnt have a DUI, I didnt have any "real" consequences. Not that I'd cop to at least. It wasnt until I had over a year of sobriety that I realized all the things I had let slide, slowly on my way downhill with alcoholism.

Its a progressive condition/ illness/ disease. That seems to be a fact. No one I know who drank like I did, was then able to moderate later and enjoy a normal "drink or two" again. I actually never could but just didnt realize it.
Anyway, you might want to consider going to Alanon. They can share with you what its like to live with one of us either in active alcoholism, or recovered.

Good luck:-)

I want so much to believe that the sleep problem is what is behind this. He's bought so many different kinds of pillows, "nothing works"... he has a bed vibrator and a sound machine that he uses every night... he'll take a shot of NyQuil (I'm guessing on the nights I'm there and he drinks less)... he's tried ZzQuil (again, only used when i am there)... he told me he had a sleep study done many years ago and when they told him to prepare for bed as he normally would, he went out to his car and had his scotch.

But not once has he ever come to me and said anything even close to "I can't sleep for sh*t, and this is the only thing that seems to help" Not once has he said "I don't know what else to do". But instead, he calls it his "routine"... and it is.

Once, we had gone to my sister's house for the day - a few hours away. We left her place around 9pm. It didn't even occur to me that it might be a problem for him. He drove on the way home. At one point, I dozed off and when I woke up it was as if it was a race to get home. We pulled into his driveway after midnight. He turned off the car, went into the house, poured a drink and was headed back out to the garage before I'd even gotten to the door. I didn't say anything at the time, because it was clear that he was agitated. But when I commented on it the next day, he could only say that he didn't like anything cutting into his "routine".

So, any future plans out of state were made with that in mind. And we always stay in a hotel even though family/friends have opened their homes to us. I simply say that he has trouble sleeping, and leave it at that. But I know he can't really sit in my brother's garage and drink a pint of scotch without someone noticing.

I do see how much he tries, though. And he does take my feelings into consideration. He rarely orders a drink when we go out to dinner anymore - and he used to every time. A couple weekends ago, we spent a night away. He brought a bottle of wine for us to share. I kept waiting for the bottle of scotch to come out, but he hadn't brought any. He told me the next day that he didn't sleep well at all.

He also knows how much it would mean to me to go to bed together. We never really have. I go to bed, he has his "nightcap" and comes to bed about 20 minutes later. The past month or so, the time has gotten shorter - "I'll be in in 15 min", "I'll be in in 10 min"... one time, he was back in 5 min. But the amount he's drinking didn't go down - so he's been chugging those last few shots worth that he pours as a nightcap.

One morning last week, we were talking about something and he commented "I didn't even drink that much last night". And I'm thinking, omg... he had at least 10-12oz of scotch... when did that become "not much"??

Anyway, I realize that I'm just rambling. =/

His problem sleeping is probably what started it, but from what you are saying he is well beyond that now.

From what you are saying he is physically and mentally dependent on alcohol. He has a problem and because he is your boyfriend, you have one too. As others will tell you, you can't make him want to quit. But keep talking to him -- sounds like he might be aware of his problem even if he hasn't admitted it yet. And take care of yourself, too.

ExJerseyGirl2,

I've tried talking to him several times in the past 2.5 years. Open, honest, heart-to-hearts. I've been brutally honest in past conversations. I've told him that I could not see myself saying the words "for better or worse", because if/when worse came, I'd be gone. I've told him how scared I am for his health. That I've waited my whole life to find "the one" (we're in our early 40's), and I'm afraid something is going to happen to him - that he brought on himself - and then I'll be alone - and angry. I've told him that I want to be able to go away for the weekend, on vacation, etc. and know that it's just us... not us, and a bottle of scotch.

I do know that he has truly been listening. He has made some changes and is considerate of my feelings. I know his drinking has nothing to do with me and I don't question how much he truly loves me. He shows me in so many ways how much I mean to him.

But I think I've said all there is to say. I'm sure my words came as a complete surprise to him this past Monday. We've been having such a great time together - some of the best months yet. But that's part of the problem... it leaves me wanting more. I want our relationship to move forward, to grow... but we're stuck, and stagnant. And those great times remind me of that.

So, this past Monday, I got the courage to tell him that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. I poured my heart out, told him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I told him honestly, that I wanted nothing more than to start our lives together. But we're stuck... and we needed to get un-stuck. He said nothing. Not a word other than "good night". I haven't heard from him since.

I so hope he gives up the scotch. He will lose out on someone very special if he continues.

And I hope that if you can't find happiness with him, that you find someone who is a true partner, and not a slave to alcohol.

I have an amazing boyfriend as well. Except for the drinking. And, even that doesn't take away his good qualities. But he needs to stop. I can't make that happen. If I threaten to leave this amazing man, he'd probably have to let me go. Because the alcohol controls him and I don't.

What I have to do ... what I can do ... is stop drinking myself. ASAP.