I thought when I quit drinking that my relationship with my wife would improve, and it did. But she still attends Al-anon twice a week and yesterday said she wants to start talking to a "counselor". I told her to quit talking about it and do it. Not sure where it will go from here but I also told her that I only want her to be happy in her life and will support whatever helps her in that regard. Maybe you can use that same approach with your husband?

When I quit drinking, my relationship with my wife didn't change. In the beginning, I would go to AA meetings just to get away from her constant complaining. I knew I couldn't change the past but I could change the present and the future. I accepted her reactions to my drinking and druggging and I stopped blaming her for my addictins.

The hardest thing I ever went through was when my wife cheated on me. I had been sober for 3 years. She blamed her cheating on my past drinking! I went to the store and bought a can of steel reserve. Popped the top, had a sip and for some reason, the beer tasted like horse poop! I don't even think I finished the whole can.

I told my AA sponser what I had done and he understood. He also told me that good things happen from bad situations and good things happen when we quit drinking. I didn't believe that right away, not until he began pointing them all out to me.

I went to an AA meeting and bought a raffle ticket. I won, and my prize was a little booklet called "acceptance". I went home from that meeting, read the book. It was exactly what I needed to hear! My wife told me she wanted a divorce and I told her I wanted her to be happy and I wished her luck. I did not get angry. Sure I was hurting terribly but I did not show it.

Long story short, about 6 months after the divorce, my ex wanted me back but I didn't want to go back, but today we are the best of friends and we give each other alot of support and respect. It never use to be like that when I was drinking and druggin.

It was all about letting go of the anger, letting go of all the negative emotions, and allowing my Higher Power to come into my life and do for me, what I can't do for myself. It's one of the AA promises which I hear repeated at every meeting.

I think we all have this secret desire to perceive ourselves as being unfairly treated. It just took slowly peeling away the layers of my ego so that I could allow the good to happen! That's all! IMHO

God Bless!

First, you don't need to do anything but focus on your sobriety and doing the next right thing, right now. In early sobriety when the "fog" started to clear I wanted everything exactly "perfect." the reality for me was and is that I drank for most my entire life. I got married as an active drinker; developed into a full blown alcoholic (I couldnt stay stopped) and then got sober. Everything in my life changed. My relationship with my husband isnt good right now; but I don't need to "do" anything right now either. I try to just let him be as I determine what I need to do to stay happy, healthy and sober. My sponsor always says more will be revealed; and it is.
My alcoholic thinking is quick fix, do something NOW. Its almost never the right thing to do so I'm exercising "pause."
Anyway for sure relationships change when we get sober. Any person who marries a practicing alcoholic has their own issues. I've tried to get my husband to try alanon he's refused. that's up to him. Now its up to me (and you) to do what needs to be done to live a succesful sober life.

Yes!! the idea of reassembling a shattered self comes to mind:(( A self created out of self preservation for the family. Let him find his way as you are trying to do!!!Being ultra responsible out of need is much different than out of necessity. When you do it out of need and the roles change you dont feel needed anymore!!! Alanon or counseling can be wonderful tool:)))
Billy

Something there caught my eye...allowing him to be angry...

Certainly something I have come to terms with as went on...had to let people be angry for what I had been or done...but as tome went on I realised at a deeper level letting people be angry is something I have never been very good at :) They have the right, as long as the fallout isn't too direct or opressive to me then I have a right to take myself out of harms way :)

Definitely concentrating on self is a good way through

P

I'm not sure what program you are working on. If it is AA, you will come to step 9 and you will apologize to him for everything you feel you wronged him with

This will be twofold. It will hopefully spark something in his mind that what you're saying to him is with complete awareness and love and two it should free you from the guilt you are express here.

If he continues to be angry. You will know I'm your heart that you tried to make amends for the years of things that were wrong.

Sobriety is big adjustment for everyone. Hopefully he supports you. Sobriety can threaten many people, not just alcoholics.

It sounds like to be that you are getting well I'm your sobriety.

That is fantastic.

The booze was just a way I found to tolerate myself.

So when I stopped the drinking I was a short tempered unmature baby. I would pound on my hi chair and want everybody to pay attention to me!

It took awhile but I have changed. I try to be considerate of my wife's feelings. I try to be a help. I can say that she likes me sober but she has never said it.

I was told that the way is to make a living amends. Live better and the people that we harmed will heal over time.

Time heals

1-2

I'm a big believer in living amends - have always felt that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies for anything

My husband thought that when he quit everything would become rosy right away. It hasn't, for three reasons. The first is that he spent a year drinking, quitting, and relapsing. Every time he relapsed he sucked the life out of our marriage and our family and I lost hope all over again. The second is that i have a lot of anger for all he did the last few years of his drinking. That isn't just going to go away. And I don't give a rat's ass if he goes through step 9 and apologizes. An apology won't fix shit when there is so much damage -- it takes action and time. The third is that he suddenly wants his role in the family to change again. We had to make all kinds of adjustments when his drinking went off the deep end, and now we have to adjust again.

It's hard to be angry at an active alcoholic. They are too drunk to get it. When a drunk gets sober, family members can finally be angry and have it mean something. But often the sober alcoholic doesn't realize the need family members have to express anger and hurt from past actions.

At least that's my take on it, and I've been on both sides of this one.

So yeah -- you need to let him be angry. You need to realize that you might be stepping on his toes by taking back the role he had to take over when you neglected it. He needs time to adjust.

Try to have some fun together, whether it's a night out or some shared time at home.

But no matter what, you need to keep your focus on staying sober. That is the most important thing you can do for both of you.