Suffering: sustained resistance to reality or a mental and emotional struggle against the way things are.

 The reason relapsed why I relapsed, after six months three times was because I was not facing my problems.  My approach to life’s difficulties was avoidance. After I stopped drinking, I avoided life’s difficulties with momentary pleasures. I tuned on the computer, I watch YouTube. I watched a movie. I did anything except explore my inner self. The irony is that by avoiding looking deep within brought  about greater suffering. When I first sobered up life was wonderful.  I could smell the roses. All my problems we caused by alcohol, and they have vanished. So I thought, however the reality is that, suffering is part of life. It is unescapable.  After a few months of sobriety, a difficulty came up. It was too much for me to handle, because I had no practice facing my fears. My strategies for avoidance were not working. I decided that a normal person would drink under these circumstances.  I drank.  The benders lasted a week or two, before I went back on the water wagon.  I convinced myself that the drinking was necessary to preserve my sanity.  This was my path. For several years, I went on benders after three to six months of sobriety.

I discovered in my classes that facing problems takes courage. I learned that courage is not fearlessness. There is fear in courage.  I found that running away from problems, as I did with booze, ultimately caused me more suffering. When I hit bottom it was the acumulation of my running away from my problems. Facing problems leads to growth. You may have heard at meetings someone say that he had the mind of a teenager.  It was the booze that made me immature. It was using the booze to avoid life’s difficulties.  There was no growth, without the courage, to face my fear and problems.

I started solving small problems. When the big problems came up I was ready for it. I faced the fear. I woke up two days after cancer surgery to find myself on a respirator. My reaction was “either the doctor’s save me or I die. I had no control, outside of acceptance.  I went through three more surgeries for the cancer.  After a year of being cancer free, I noticed a lump on my neck.  I feared that it may be cancer. I face the fear and went to the doctor. It was a different kind of cancer. This one was treated with radiation and chemo. I am alive today, because I faced my fears. I am sure that if I ran away from the problem by drinking, I would have died a very painful death. It was looking deep into myself that brought me long term sobriety.