Last night I had a bit of a.... well, I don't know what I'd call it. I was struggling. I had plans and a list a mile long at the beginning of the day... and then my sister and her kids stopped over.... and the usual mess ensued, and my plans came to a grinding halt, which, I'm not really complaining about that... I adore my sister, and we always manage to get some stuff done, plus laugh a lot..


But then my friend stopped over too, with HER kids, and it was total and complete CHAOS for the rest of the afternoon. PLUS, my husband stepped out with my sister's husband, supposedly to go to the hardware store, and then to fix some water pipe at my brotherinlaw's dad's house... yeah yeah yeah, they really mean they're going out drinking... and then brotherinlaw called after they were gone for 2 hours and said they stopped for a drink, which, by then I was fuming..


He's just always pressuring my husband to drink, and it makes me so mad, it's insensitive, he knows I quit drinking and my husband is supporting me and stuff, and he can't wait to slam a beer in my husband's hand every chance he gets... Even when husband says no thanks,,, pressure...


It was insane, my friend's kids are WILD and ROUGH and a little rude, so they're running all over my house, sword fighting and breaking stuff, and my sister's 5 yr old daughter is crying because they're being mean to her... I'm trying to make TACOs for 9000 people, and do the dishes and keep some sort of LID on my house and my temper.... meanwhile my husband is gone 4 HOURS and I'm fuming, cause I'm thinking he's drinking and who's driving and this is bullshit... (they have a really bad track record, when they get together...)


It was horrendous, and the most anxious I've been in a long time. On top of which, I have to work, and pack, and ship Ebay shit, and gather my tax stuff for an appointment with the tax lady tomorrow night... I was a wreck.


When they all finally left, I cried. My husband made me tea. I was headed for the shower, and then I turned on my heel, threw my coat on, and headed out the door. I don't know where I was going, but I had to get out.


I honestly don't know if I was headed out to buy booze. I'm shaky right now. Because I'm approaching a year. Without booze and without eating-disorder. I have no... I gave up my coping methods. I have other coping methods now, but I wasn't able to conjur anything up last night... I was hurting and running.


I ended up at the drugstore, reading magazines off the rack for free... The drugstore was the only place that was open on a sunday night... Sigh.... My husband called me after I was gone over an hour... he sounded concerned... like he was afraid what i might be doing... I was afraid too....


I know it's normal to question and to falter, when you approach a milestone.... to question whether your life is all that improved without the booze... I can understand it fine, but that doesn't make it NOT HAPPEN...


Today I'm better. I'm relieved that I didn't do anything stupid. Except spend a little money. I like spending money. Not big money. I bought a new mascara and bag of Skittles. I don't buy magazines, because who would buy that garbage.. har..


I don't know. I want sobriety. I want a sober life. I want to find out what I'm capable of. I want to experience my WHOLE life. and my kids. I want a sober, funny, productive, happy mom for them... A whole person.


I think I need to ... maybe have some sort of boundaries, maybe... so that I don't get into that situation again... Like, if I'm that irritated, I need to allow myself an escape. Be a little bit of a pain in the ass maybe. Instead of just trying to go with the flow so much, sometimes it's too loud and it's bullshit, I don't have to have all that noise. Sometimes I need to say no to people. Sorry, now's not a good time...

No one said it was gonna be easy.. It's not bad though, I'm feeling strong in my resolve, and I'm a hundred times the person I was last year. Seriously. Yesterday was just, a ridiculous day... meh... thanks for listening...