Hello Nic104,

Sorry to hear that you are having this trouble. You are not doing anything wrong and don’t let anyone load you with guilt. You are however dealing with a situation that people are generally not trained to deal with and as a result serious mistakes are often made. Education and support are the keys to a brighter future.

The first thing to understand is that your husband is suffering from an illness, as that is how alcoholism is viewed by the medical profession. It is a unique type of illness that tells the sufferer that he or she does not have it and consequently, denial is a big part of the problem. An alcoholic is not necessarily a bad person but they will do bad things in the quest for alcohol, with dishonesty and blaming other people being common traits. Distorted thinking is also a common feature where the lines between fantasy and reality become blurred.

The spouse or family member of an alcoholic will often believe that they can somehow reform the drinker or help them to control their drinking but this is rarely a successful approach. The alcoholic must first of all recognise that he or she has a problem and then become willing to address that problem but denial makes that difficult.

One phrase from your post pinpoints where you are taking the wrong approach: “sacrificing my own wellbeing”. I know that you want to be there for your husband but you are not actually helping the situation. In this situation you must put yourself first and look after your own health. You can love the alcoholic but not love his alcoholism. In other words, you can be there for your husband but refuse to clear up his mess. In that way, he will have to take responsibility for his own affairs. It will no doubt be an extremely difficult thing for you to do but it will be for the best in the long term.

I already mentioned education and support as being crucial. Therefore, I would suggest looking up Al-Anon meetings in your area. Al-Anon will allow you to learn from the experience of other people who are in a similar position. I understand that some Al-Anon meetings are pretty useless and only a bitching session about the alcoholic partner but others can be hugely helpful – I hope that you will find a good one.

I would also suggest watching the video at the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

He has to hit rock bottom.

He won't or can't quit for anyone but himself.

Have you thought about leaving him? It sounds like the fun times have ended.

I quit at 41. I had 3 kids and a wife in a second marriage and I finally had had enough. I had broken promises to my wife and my kids many times - it actually was long-running as I broke promises to my ex wife in my late 20s and early 30s.

Marriage didn't slow me down. My first child didn't slow me down. My second didn't. Divorce didn't. Job loss didn't. A rebound in fortunes didn't. A new wife didn't. A third child didn't.

Only when I had had enough, did I go to AA and become a new person.

Forget the drinking, I removed the asshole. No more meanness. No more anger. No more fighting and bickering. I learned how to solve problems. I didn't need alcohol after a bad day or after a good day. I didn't need it after a fight with my wife, or on my anniversary.

There are a lot of good people here. And there are lots of sources for help out there. I wish you well.

First of all, thanks so much for your responses. I really appreciate your honesty. I have been to Al-anon and a few other education sessions about the disease and I see a counselor one on one. I feel as though he's been able to convince me that there are other reasons for our strife that have nothing to do with alcoholism. This is the first time that I have fully rejected that idea as I think it is the root. What things, would you say, are typically said by alcoholics to deflect that addiction is the problem? For example, he often says I don't accept him, I don't know who he is, I have always wanted him to be something different, what about my problems, I have a job; I'm not falling down drunk, I'm a good person, I'm not a piece of shit like you think I am.
I guess I want to know if these thoughts and perceptions are typical.

Hello Nic104,

A typical alcoholic will say anything that suits his or her overwhelming need for alcohol at that particular time. When things are going reasonably good and there is no handy excuse for drinking, some will pick an argument with a spouse or another family member, storm out of the house to drink and then conveniently blame the other person.

If you have already been to Al-Anon and are seeing a counsellor that is a good start. In my opinion it would be important too not to completely dismiss what your husband says as in every relationship there can be room for improvement on both sides. It is human nature to be able to clearly see the other person’s faults but to be blind to our own. That is where Al-Anon could help as they have a Twelve Step programme similar to that of AA. Alternatively, you may be able to explore those issues with your counsellor. Regardless of how things work out between you and your husband, it would be an advantage for you to learn how to react differently to life situations.

Some of your husband’s concerns may be the result of distorted thinking on his part due to drinking they may be far removed from reality and in some other cases he may have a genuine grievance. Either way, in his mind the problems that he sees, whether real or imagined, are probably very real to him. Regardless of whether his thoughts are typical or not, it would be good to talk about his concerns and ideally with some sort of trained mediator. Would your husband go with you to see the counsellor?

You could also buy a copy of The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and leave it for your husband to read, although he may not be interested. To finish, I would say to acknowledge your own faults and work on those so that you can have peace and serenity. That is not to imply that you are in any way to blame for your husband’s drinking – that is something that is his own responsibility.

You can clearly see what the alcohol is doing to your husband but LOOK at what his drinking is doing to YOU!

You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support. You can google meetings in your area.

God Bless

I agree with all the posts. The alcoholic will say whatever to get what he wants. When I was drinking, I used to blame my husband and my in laws for everything. My excuse was I was not drinking in front of everyone because I was the polite neighbor and mother so leave me alone. But in reality even in social situations, I would drink one and then come home and drink everything.

Please take care of yourself. My father is/was an alcoholic and it is easy to be overwhelmed by it. There is a Chapter in the Big Book "To Wives" which may be helpful.

Thank you for sharing here.

Hugs,Koyu

The only way I quit was when the pain of drinking was too much to handle. I kindly suggest just ignoring. I also suggest letting him do his own dishes, laundry, and the like. Alcoholics are very manuplitave and selfish. Stop giving him any attention over the drinking. I would honestly suggest leaving. Because until it hurts, there is no way of stopping. The other thing is I would Never listen to another persons suggestion. It HAS to be the idea of the alcoholic.
It's helped me to remember how much of an a hole I was to my wife. And the fact I do not want to go back there
1is2many

Wow. I'm in the same exact position. I feel the same exact way. I feel so alone and trapped in this situation. My husband work everyday and does an amazing job however I also feel like it's a curse in some way because he doesn't realize how bad his drinking is. He spends money on it even though we can't afford it. My young children are starting to realize what he is up to when he makes his drinks. And when I try to say something to him I'm judging him. I have a daughter with autism and a functioning alcoholic husband. At times I just want to feel sorry for myself....im hoping a support group is a positive step in a new direction. I hope you hang in there.
JC

I was the 40 year husband, and the situation sounds exactly what we went through. I blamed everyone else, and always had an excuse. I needed to hit rock bottom myself, and that was when I realized the damage was not only to me, but my loved ones as well.
It's been close to six months, and my views have changed completely. I hope he finds the inner strength, and find peace.

Ed

wow, I agree and this is almost exactly my situation as well. This is all too familiar- unfortunately, I have had to make a move (which i never wanted) but for the safety of my children. I have 2 very young children and he refused to see he needed the help. Things are crashing down and I'm scared. I love reading from the recovering alcoholics, and congrats to you and your sobriety! I also know in al anon we dont give advice but if you feel in your heart to share your experience or want to give suggestions I am all ears.

I think deep down I still want him to see the light, hit rock bottom and all this will be over. I do not think this is going to happen and honestly feel silly saying it since so much damage has been done. (its dysfunction on top of alcoholism- emotional/verbal abuse and escalating since i filed- physical) I guess my prayer is that he eventually finds what he needs so he can be a good father. I understand it is his natural consequences but as the co-dependent spouse, I am getting healthier and feel bad leaving him behind. At the same time I am trying to make a normal situation for my children as my oldest is starting to repeat and understand some things (asking where daddy is, he is in/out often) He is so irrational that nothing makes sense- any thoughts will help. Do you think some of the behavior is from a non recovering alcoholic? I hope I am using the correct terms and thank you.

Hang in there Nic104- you are doing all the right steps it sounds like. One day at a time!

It's only when we are sober do we clearly see the pain our drinking caused our loved ones. Even after becoming sober its hard for the family to trust the sufferer around drink - an alcoholic will lie cheat and manipulate to drink. The old saying "sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind" holds it own place in situations like this. Whilst ever there is a blanket keeping the addict from hitting rock bottom they will never seek the help they desperately need - I'm not saying you have to turn your back totally but just maybe fold that blanket for a little while. God bless x

Hi I'm in exactly the same position as you and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I feel like he blames me for his drinking and he won't get help or even discuss getting help.
It is effecting the whole family but I don't know where to go from here.

First thing you have to do is stop blaming yourself and the next thing you need to do is let go of all that guilt! Then you can make the difficult decisions to improve your life and the life of your kids!

Also al anon and prayer and meditation are good ways to keep you going.....

God Bless

You people are amazing and your honestly is pulling me through! God bless to each of you. Spouses go to al anon! and listen to these amazing people in recovery- wow how this has helped me understand when no communication is being made. Hang in there everyone!