I have entered into a chapter in my life where I want to appreciate people more.  With that, comes a bit of an insecurity, still gripped from the past that I will disappoint them one way or another.  This obstacle is a huge deviant to me building relationships on all levels, from the little ones to the most important ones.  This fear of disappointing others affects all the areas of my life, work, personal relationships, and social areas.  When I use the AA program as a reference point, it asks me to ask myself why I have the fear, of disappointing others?  They then give an answer of it was me relying on my self, which was not as powerful as it believed it's ability to be, and although that is not the easiest concept to accept, makes sense now after applying it for several years.  

I am so terrified of disappointing others, specifically others who find me special to them, that it has very much stunted my growth as a human being.  This reality, has much more to do with a defective soul and personality, than simply drinking alcohol to cope with it.  When I ask God or tell God that I have given up on being able to manage the fear potentially disappointing others brings, I kind of go through a cleansing and relieving period within, where I can actually feel he understanding how difficult it is, and how much help he needs to bring into my life.  I've never really been scared of things outside of me because I have been just so terrified of what is on the inside.  This particular fear of being such a disappointment, to so many, whether imagined or factual, like I said before, needed a solution, and my ignorance within while being self-reliant, just couldn't see that, it was like I was almost blind, spiritually and emotionally, to the idea that I need real help when it comes to fear, and fear of others thoughts about me.  

It was very nice to know that maybe there is a God, or a higher power that wants to help, and wants to eliminate this fear, and the suggestion that I play the role that higher power wants me to play, and the opinions of others, aren't the opinions of the higher power, really opened my mind up to how wrong I could have been about this higher power and how miscalculative I was in how powerful it actually is.  

Now, except in times when I really want something on the inside, especially the opposite sex to be on the same page as me, I can laugh at my fear of others having an opinion of me, and can mitigate it easily, as just that, their opinion without the power it needs to change my role.  I also like how the suggestion of, ask the higher power to direct, and maybe even enforce your or my attention towards what it wants me to know, so I can play my role more effectively for others, is the solution, to fear.  I resent fear, it has had such an unwelcomed but insidious role itself in my life, and I know it is dangerous to resent if you have a drinking problem, but fear for me, having dealt with it secretly so much, unable to really get the words out of how restrictive it was on who I am for so long, is just a really bad idea to buy into.  The idea that fear will never be concrete and it's power is just an illusion, was a much healthier concept for me to apply going forward.