It's really hard to do, unbelievably hard to stop drinking if you're an alcoholic. But with or without a program and/or support, anyone can do it if it's important enough. As hard as it is to do, it is, after all, a choice we make.

You do have the choice. That's a God-given right. It really boils down to the choices we make. I can take on all comers on this issue. The Big Book sometimes is interpreted as saying real alcoholics have no choice. The Bible says God gave us the power of choice. That's why we are held accountable for the things we do.

You are a strong-willed lady Anna, as weak as we alcoholics are reputed to be.

MY MONEY IS ON YOU ANNA! YOU'RE GONNA DO IT!

Amen!

The truth is that all alcoholics can stop drinking - the problem has always been how to stay stopped. Alcoholics feel like s**t when they stop drinking because it's not alcohol that is the problem. Alcohol is the means by which we 'get normal.'

When we no longer have alcohol to take the edge off of life it becomes unbearable - this is why I believe in beginning to work the steps as soon as possible.

We don't recover from alcohol, we recover from alcoholism and that is why we need those 12 steps. Life changes and become livable (not perfect though!) through working and living this deal.

I remember very clearly a day when I had left my office at lunchtime and gone to buy a bottle of gin. I took it back to work, it sat under my desk in a carrier bag and I swear I could ear it calling me.

I took it out when it was time to go home and put it in the glove compartment of my car - man I wanted to drink it soooo badly, but i figured it wasn't a good idea to get stopped for drink driving 'on my first day back drinking'! I cracked the seal and took a long sniff of that stuff, ohmigod it smelled like nectar, but I resisted and drove home without drinking it. It was Thursday and I always went to a meeting on Thursday, so I set off and went to the meeting.

All the way to the meeting, that bottle called to me. I got there and went inside - saw a friend and told her I had a bottle in the car. I said to her 'More than ANYTHING in the world, I want to drink it and more than ANYTHING in the world I don't want to drink it.' It was agonising.

She offered to come a pour it away but I knew if that was going to be done, it needed to be me who did it. So, at the end of the meeting, I went outside and poured it away - crying from anger and crying from fear. It was only a matter of time before I would pick up another drink. I had been in AA for three years looking for the perfect sponsor (even though I didn't know what a sponsor did) and not doing the steps because they weren't really talked about back then.

The speed of my downward spiral was shocking and I was as scared as hell.

Weird thing is though that once I committed to working the steps and actually did them, I have never wanted to drink since. That terrible tension was gone and I was finally free!

Please ask a woman to take you through the steps - even though you may have some ambivalence about it. You will truly be amazed before you are halfway through!

PM me if I can help in any way!

Lyn

Cranky, as long as we are betting....throw me in for a couple dimes

Wow, what Anna + Serenity stated really took me back to the days when I felt hopeless and could not imagine my life with or without the vodka.

Anna, what Cranky said is so true. The meek could not have survived what we have in our lives.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful and oh so patient. I haven't relapsed because I didn't sober up until I was just about done for.

My problem was definitely not about the alcohol. It was about finding a way to live in this world sober, in some kind of harmony with you and me. I found the solution in the 12 Steps also.

It's uncomfortable to cut ties with the "old you". We convince ourselves that we are normal drinkers (even though we are not) and we convince our loved ones too- we try our best to hide it.

Once you decide to really deal with it, it will be out in the open. Your closest family and friends will know, because you'll need their support and accountability. In doing that, you will be admitting that you are an alcoholic and you won't be able to pick-up a drink in front of them anymore (without being viewed as someone who is falling off the wagon).

It sounds uncomfortable, but I think that's what it takes- leaving the old you behind, and moving into something new. And that requires faith that sobriety will work for us. That's why it's hard. Keep going HowTo- you're getting this!

I am not calling you the coward, I am using your words, please understand that...... but YES - it is a cowardly action to hide in the bottle - so you face life, so you feel a little pain - IT WILL PASS if you let it happen. When you gain a spirituality and learn the act of forgiveness even to yourself and learn to accept life on life's terms and not EXPECT things - you'd be surprise how much easier life can be - we PEOPLE make life complicated - we PEOPLE control what choices we make even if we know the consequences of those actions are devasting - WE THE PEOPLE do it to ourselves - nothing, or no one can do it for us.

I know you wanna be sober - and I know you can do this, we've talked, we've chatted, we've pmed and like all us alkies there are underlying issues - that "crap" we call the past and present that we don't want to have to deal with - but in order to step up the staircase, you gotta take it one step at a time. When you breeze past a large amount steps you tend to fall backwards.

Hugs to you sweetie I know you can do this.

Lyn, nice post

I think with an alcoholic, in the early days of sobriety at least, we're always of two minds to some extent. There's the "wise old man" part of your mind that's like "you have to stop, know you can't drink and be ok" but there's the "forever in denial" part which lingers saying "go ahead and drink, you can manage" and the two are constantly battling it out. For me it helps listening to the wisdom of other people at meetings who've been through that inner debate a million times.

Its also interesting how, in just a short time, I've heard so many people say that when they first tried to get sober they thought their problems were so unique from everyone else's. Sometimes I'm shocked and dismayed by just how unoriginal my efforts to be a complete f@*ch-up have been all these years!

awakeinadream - I couldn't have described myself better. I decided to stop drinking yesterday and feel lik I've been struggling with my want to stop, and the other part of me telling myself "you can control it, you don't need to quit". I keep trying to convince myself that if I just don't drink for a while, I'll be safe to do it again. Luckly, the better part of me keeps reading posts on this site, and can't deny that we all have a lot in common.

I talked to someone struggling with this thing the other day. They had been feeling good and optamistic about the future. They were ready to go to any length to do this. They wanted sobriety more than anything at that moment but of course that moment changed and with it the feelings. One of the hardest things I've seen is newbies being able to push thru those old negative emotions. When that old pain starts back their default is to medicate. Oh God forbid we FEEL that pain. Ya know the the saying "growing pains"? Might want to keep that in mind when getting sober. ;) So I say that after ur here a day or two and those old feelings come flooding back is just hold on. I promise ur not gonna die. So what you feel bad!! So what your hurting!! Thats part of life!! We all feel that way at times! Does not mean we can run out an medicate it every time. Well I guess you can but we will see you back here again talking about why its not working. So when doing this think of the worst pain you can imagine and prepare yourself for that. That way ur ready and you can't say but the pain was too great. ;) Thanx

Cabledude, what's your story?

For the record, I am acknowledging my own insanity as well as pointing out the insanity of alcoholism.

Awesome reply, Serenity. You said it perfectly.

Sobriety, Lisa, also makes a great point. It doesn't matter, just do it already. So what if it hurts.

It just doesn't make sense anymore to THINK it through. NOTHING matters except my sobriety right now. It's not about degrees of WANT or NEED. It's about CHOICE alone. Do the next right thing. Period.

Cabledude, do you swim?