I could never have stayed sober by doing what you want to do! When I left the IOP treatment program, I was in, the first thing I had to do was get rid of my old drinking buddies. Being around them was a trigger for me. (If you are exposed to a trigger long enough, you will drink. It's just...a matter...of time!)

I made new sober friends through AA with my most important friend being my AA sponser who spoke with me on the tele, daily, and shared his experience and strengths with me to keep me sober. Had I not had him in those early days when my sobriety was still in a fragile state, I probably would not have been able to stay sober.

9 years later, it does not bother me to be around drinking people, like if I am at a wedding reception or something. I merely ask the bar tender for a cola and tell them I am driving!

God Bless

thanks for being honest. I know what I need to do.

Hello Kerela,

You don’t need to give up your social life but it would be wise to make some changes.

An old-timer at an AA meeting that I used to go to would often say: “You need to leave that old life behind”. I believe that he was partially right but it is not a black or white scenario. Certainly, in the early days of sobriety where you are now, it is strongly recommended that you avoid being around people who are drinking. If you are going to be successful you will need to make sobriety your number one priority and to leave other things aside for now. It may not be the same for everyone but when I stopped drinking, I soon realised that I did not really have any friends, just drinking buddies. Today, I have close friends that I could rely on in any situation.

If you stay sober and work on the background issues that often lead people to drink, you will come to a point where being around alcohol and drinkers will not tempt you in the least. A different problem can arise then as you may find that drunk people are very boring.

Therefore, I would say that it would be better to avoid the drinkers for now until you are surer of your sobriety. It would also be advisable to start working on changing your thinking and for me, AA was extremely helpful in that regard.

Hi Kerela,
I'm trying to figure out the same question from a different point of view; my partner is in recovery (5 yrs) and I didn't know him when he was drinking. I do want to support him, but don't know how far I have to go to do that. Do I have to abstain from all alcohol? I drink socially, not heavily, but even when he says it's not a problem I feel like it is. I'm getting anxious and confused about it. I don't want to make things hard for him but don't think it is realistic to say we will never be anywhere that there is alcohol being served.
So you tell me - what helps? what hurts?

Hi Amateur I think talking to your partner about socialising 5 years sober and what his coping mechanisms are will hel.

PJ54 what you say makes perfect sense. My sobriety is my most important goal and I think joining AA last week was the best decision for me. Thanks for your input.

Thanks Kerela, I have talked to him about it, and he says it's ok, but it's still an issue. I'm not sure what's up. Part of it is that he hasn't really put together a social life after getting sober (to be fair, he is an introvert and so am I). While we're never going to be night-life kind of people I still want us to have some kind of social life and I do have some friends. He's never had friends who didn't drink to excess and he doesn't see them anymore except for the few who have also gotten sober. I think that's part of the issue too; he thinks that every time there is alcohol around people are going to get drunk.

Hello Amateur,

Much depends on what you mean by the word ‘recovery’?

Some people stop drinking but they are not happy with sobriety and would give anything to have a few drinks and get away with it. These people can still be obsessed with alcohol even after a long period of not drinking.

Other people stop drinking and also try to deal with the background issues. The AA approach is to use a twelve step programme that results in the obsession for alcohol being removed. Other methods such as counselling probably achieve the same result as AA. Someone who is in this position can comfortably go to places where alcohol is served and will not be tempted. That said, it is wise for any alcoholic not to make a habit of frequenting such places unless there is a good reason to be there.

Therefore, to answer your question. No, you do not have to abstain from alcohol, providing that your partner’s sobriety is on a sound footing. It would be very difficult for him to completely avoid all places where he will come into contact with alcohol. Additionally, nobody should have to walk on eggs around a recovered alcoholic.

If you're alcoholic, you know you can't have both.

I know drinking makes me a bad guy, much like someone allergic to shellfish knows how shrimp will screw them up.

I'm around drinking enough. Most of it is annoying the rest I enjoy sober.

I know I won't be getting a DUI. I know I won't have sex with a strange woman. I know I won't fight with people, including my friends and wife.

That's enough incentive for me to say no.

Thanks PJ54, that's basically the approach I had settled on, it's just that the reality of it is hard to sort out. It sounded to me that Kerela had a similar kind of issue (I don't want to take her thread off-topic); and it seemed to me that there are probably general 'should be ok' zones and 'not a good idea' zones for how to handle social situations. As you said, it is very hard to completely avoid all places where you might come in contact with alcohol. I have become a lot more attuned to how common alcohol and references to alcohol are in our culture. It is sobering.

Hi there,
Wow, that is hard and for a while, maybe you can’t have both. It is just too hard and for many of us, we eventually give in. An old sponsor of mine once told me “If you hang around a barbers shop long enough, you’re eventually going to get a haircut.” I’ve never forgotten that.

We often need to find new playground and new playmates. Maybe meeting some new friends at a class or hobby club or even church (if you have one that you go to). That is a great place to start new relationships (with people and maybe even with God).

Best wishes and I say a prayer for you.
Judy