If I was in a similar position I would not try to talk to the girlfriend, I would have to remind myself that I am hearing only one version of a story which involves two people in their own intimate - and voluntarily chosen - relationship.

If they both enjoyed drinking heavily together - alcoholic or not - the onus is on the one who wants to change the status quo. It's his recovery and nobody else has to change or be expected to change to assist it.

Hello Charlize111,

I would second what Fairisle has said.

Good intentions on your part could backfire in a spectacular fashion and make a bad situation worse. Does your friend honestly want to get sober or is he doing it for other people? If he is serious about sobriety he will get sober regardless of what his girlfriend does. She may well want him to continue drinking for a variety of reasons but that is between the two of them. In cases like this, the well-intended third party can end up being seen as the bad person.

If your friend is an alcoholic, I would mention AA to him and then back off. What he does after that is really his own business.

His quitting is a big change for her, especially if they were drinking buddies. She might not be consciously trying to get him to drink, but she might be afraid of losing him.

I don't know if there is anything you can do about this other than to keep supporting your friend. If you know her, you might want to talk to her about how important she is in supporting his sobriety,

How is he doing?

This is common. One person may have a problem and the other is able to control that person when they are drunk

or the girlfriend may have and issue and by the boyfriend drinking badly then her problem is not in the spotlight

The thing is that the only thing that is going to change the alcoholic is the alcoholic

1is2many

If she is alcoholic also, she is threatened by his recovery.

If he is trying to get sober, he needs to do this for himself only. He must stay the course. Nobody can say anything to him, if he is keeping the plug in the jug.

Oh my god you guys are being so helpful. It is so hard for me, of course I want to help him get sober for I've seen what the disease does to him. But I can't protect him. Drinking is going to be all around him. It seems that those who finally get over the hump and stay sober, they just make the decision, I'm not going to drink. And that is that.

He is doing really well, though, as they say, day 5 was hard. He is using sleeping aides at night, and an anti-anxiety med. But really, he seems very calm. I hope I read this right, that he has come to realization, and is fine with it.

Thank you guys so very much, you are being more help than you know.

Charlize, have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It's a group to help friends and family of the alcoholic. Google it. It's a group of people who help other friends and family members recover and learn to live life despite the alcohol.

Otherwise, you are crossing a big line if you discuss anything with the girlfriend. Time to back off. The success of his recovery is up to him.

Best wishes.

Gr8ful2b. The girl friend and my friend have both turned to me to help him out. I'm not forcing myself on anyone here. She cried to me two weeks ago about how bad things were. She talked to me because she didn't know who else to talk to and though my friend was very drunk at the time, told her to call me. We've done things together. We like each other. She said, "I can't take much more of this."

He is the one who called me wanting to quit and so I offered my place so he could come do that. He set the schedule. She wants to know how things are going. I text her on his progress as I see it, which is good. During the past week though, it is like she is absolutely clueless. Things she says are just nuts. Today she came down to visit him, she is spending the weekend. She brought a six pack of beer.

Sure it is ultimately up to him whether he is going to make it or not, but come on, friends and relatives can make that easier or harder for the person trying to quit. This is day 6, some say the toughest day.

When he was out on a run, she brought up how he was doing. I asked her why she brought the beer. Well, she said, I called him and asked if I should stop on the way down to get a drink and he said no, just bring something to drink with you. She got here at 11 am. Then she started to cry fearing he wouldn't be able to stop. I don't understand, I don't understand if you are so upset at his drinking and want him to quit, why you would do that. She literally took a sip of beer then put the can down in front of him and walked out of the room. It is pretty clear to me, that there is more than one person with a drinking problem here. I fear she is in denial, that if he is an alcoholic then she has to examine herself; that her goal is for him to dry out, then start to drink again, but just not get so drunk.

So, I have to make a decision. On Monday, I am going to sit down with him and talk to him about his long term goal. I know what he told me before, but I need to hear it again. I'm not going to waste my time on this, if he isn't committed.

AA? Sure I know it. He hasn't wanted to go through that, but that is when he has been drinking. We'll see how he feels about it on Monday. Then I am going to tell him that the problem is clearly way beyond my ability to adequately help. That I can offer him all the support he needs here, but there are problems beyond just the drinking that need to be addressed as well, and he needs professional help with those things.

Yes, I am fearful and I am frustrated tonight, and just very confused. I just thought everyone was on the same page.

A lot to handle Charlize,
But you seem to have great resolve to get him right.

I love your focus and energy.

Hello Charlize111,

Thanks for clarifying your role in this affair. There may have been an uneasy feeling about why you were involved but it is much clearer now and it will be easier to make relevant suggestions.

The first thing to remember is that people who are drinking heavily will not be thinking rationally and wrong thinking leads to wrong actions, which may explain the behaviour of your friends girlfriend. You need to also consider that there may or may not be substances other than alcohol involved.

Sitting down with your friend for an honest talk is a good idea. It would be wise to arm yourself with some knowledge about alcoholism so that you can help him to map out his future journey. The video at the link below is a bit dated and has been criticised by some but I have found it to be a fantastic source of information. It is based on the AA Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) but that does not mean that your friend has to embrace the AA methods. I would advise you to sit down and watch it with and open mind or better still, to watch it along with your friend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVBDQPC2XQ

Once your friend knows a bit about alcoholism, he can decide where he stands. If he is not an alcoholic he should be able to control his drinking or to quit entirely without too much effort. If on the other hand he is an alcoholic or somewhere down the road towards alcoholism he may require help and you are right in thinking that it may be beyond your ability to adequately help. You will see some people stating that they are alcoholics who have quit on their own and such people are to be commended. However, it does not work like that for a great many alcoholics and despite their best efforts, they fail again and again. However, it has been found that even the most hopeless cases can recover from alcoholism with the right help.

If your friend decides that he needs help there are several avenues open to him. His doctor could suggest a treatment facility where people are separated from the problem for a period of time and given some basic counselling. That type of treatment is free in some places and in other places there is a fee to pay.

If he is genuine about his decision to get sober your friend will need to be fully committed, ruling out nothing that could help him. Alcoholics Anonymous has helped many who were in a similar position.
You can support your friend but you cannot fix his problem and in trying to do the impossible, you could put your own health and wellbeing in danger.

Charlize, thank you for the clarification. My apologies.

It is Monday morning, the girlfriend has gone home. I spent last night watching PJ's recommended video (see link in his comment) and he is right, it is very illuminating and empowering. The speaker talks about what it is to be an alcoholic. He says that he drank for 15 years and unlike social drinkers, he "never had enough to drink" But there is so much more here, about cravings and the biochemistry behind that. So, I am going to try and get my friend, and his girlfriend, to watch it.

She and I had some good conversations about all of this. We took a long walk. She says all the right things, "I told him I'm perfectly willing to not have any alcohol in the house" and "I'm thinking of AA support group" but then her actions say something else.

I'm know my friend drank over the weekend. He never got drunk, but he had a beer or two. And although I put my own liquor and wine out of sight, he might have gotten into it, there is at least one bottle of wine missing. So today is day 1. Not that the withdrawal is day 1, but the days without drinking. It brings up a question though, about the alcoholic thing. Could an alcoholic do what he did this weekend, that is have a beer or two and then stop?

It becomes clear that he can't do this on his own. How to get him to face the facts. These are rhetorical questions probably, as everyone is a bit different. I worry at being, in some way, enabling him here. Well, today, I am going to pin him down. What is the goal, how are you going to achieve it...write it down. There are 12 steps in AA. While some can get and remain sober on their own, I think the process has to be the same...identifying a path, writing it down, and reviewing it daily.

This post is, as it may be apparent, my own way of consolidating my ideas, coming up with my own path to help him. I am also cautioning myself to not become a co-dependent in this journey. A fine line I think. As Gr82b says, it is up to him to become sober. So I find myself questioning. When is helping actually just enabling and how do you know the difference?

(aside, I guess my original post was a bit vague and could be taken as meddling. I'm sorry for this, but in the interest of being concise and getting directly to the question, I chose to post the question as I did. So there is no reason for apologies, gr8ful2b, but thank you.)