THE EGO & THE A.A.

"The pain & misery & horrible loneliness I experienced prior to my first meeting, sixteen years ago, finally convinced me of the need to look at my drinking. But the battle & every one since has been hard-fought. At times it seems to take a great deal of suffering for me before I'll even acknowledge the existence of those defects of character I'm still fond of, & even more before I'll consider giving them up."

"Looking back, it becomes clear to me that ego, before & since I gave up the bottle, has been the chief architect of my problems in life. Though I've not often thought of myself as an egotist ( what egotist ever really does? ), I begin to see the many small but dangerous ways my ego has conspired against me, & does to this day. It has every bit the power to alter my perceptions of reality that alcohol ever did -- & ultimately just as deadly, perhaps more so."

"I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."

"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."

"After all, no matter how "smart" I may think I am, the reality is that the selfish side of my nature, the ego, is far smarter still, not to mention devious, dishonest, & very patient & enduring in it's battle to survive. As evidence, how readily do I believe my own weak reasoning when the thing I want to do wins out in favor of the thing I ought to do?"

"How many times have I rehearsted an argument --- I call it a "discussion" --- with someone before he is in the room? I've done this with sponsors, A.A. peers, & others I have gone to as spiritual mentors --- yet the moment I ask for their help, my ego does everything it can to avoid it, giving me the "freedom" to decide --- knowing that if I discussed it fully, leaving nothing out, the right decision would probably reveal itself to be other than what I want?"

"And even knowing from experience that doing what I want eventually leads me to misery, while while making the sacrifice & giving up that cherished plan eventually leads to greater joy, how many times do I still lose the argument with myself?"

"I've given plenty of lip service to the destructive power of ego over the years, but rarely truly examined it to understand even a portion of the full implications of that concept. It's the real secret, I believe, to the reason for hitting bottom, & the real gift behind the "gift of desperation" --- the momentary reduction of ego enough to finally view a glimpse of reality, to allow for the smallest portion of surrender to happen."

"May I remain ever teachable, never "cured."

Greg M.
February 2009
The AA Grapevine