It depends on who you ask but from everything I know about addiction, Unconditional Love is the very best thing you can do but that doesn't mean you have to live in that environment. Loving an alcoholic does not mean you have to be his door mat.

There is nothing you can do to stop him. He has a disease and is sick. The only one who can help him, is him.

You can learn alot about living with a family member who has addictive behavior by googling alanon meetings near you.

https://al-anon.org/

We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

So what is your question?
Is it that "Is it OK to Confront, belittle & insult the alcolholic?
If he was sober, you would have some other reason.

Why don't you separate from him? It would be the best thing you can do for him, I bet you would miss the bullying though.

I have been sober for 17 years this March. I joined this site because I am an alcoholic.

I don't have the answers, but I know what you are doing is not for him, it is for you.
THIS is my opinion only.

Like above, you should really go to al-anon meetings. They will set you straight.

PS As you said "It has got worse over the past 4 years". Your methodology is not working.

Alcohol is the loneliest drug. It puts its user in solidarity confinement and we aren’t even fully aware because it progresses. We can cling to those who care for us like a life raft. It’s horrible to the alcoholic and loved ones. Unfortunately none of your reactions will work except sitting him down and telling him you are leaving if he can’t get help. Not as a threat but in a way that comes from your heart so he can feel how much he is hurting you. Tell him if he cares about you then he should let you go. Or make a commitment to change. If that wake up call fails then he may not come back. Living like you are isn’t healthy for either of you. Please step back from this and take some time to yourself to regroup. Look at what person you are becoming and think about why you are putting up with it. Hugs.

Great posts, above; thank you. (This is the second time I have written those words this morning.) I started my divorce when I was six years sober...I am coming up on 11 years. At one of my AA meetings, I was hearing a guy say over and over: "Boys and girls, this life is not a dress rehearsal." Although I will not pretend that any change is easy, sometimes we just have to create, as best we can, the life we want.

I appreciate the response from all. I do agree that my outbursts are for me. But trust me, I would not miss the "bullying" We own a house together. He is free to leave anytime he wants. We've been thru that one. I'm not leaving my home. I'm not uprooting my life to accommodate this. He's the one that has to go. A lot of my frustration comes from the not understanding why he doesn't just go so he can live the way he wants? Is this more enticing when they can make someone else mad or miserable? Does that make it more "fun" for them?

My initial question was what is the most neutral way of acting when he comes home slurring and in slow motion? Do I not say anything at all, do I ignore it and say "how's your day honey"?

He can’t just’go’. You and his home are his safe place weather you treat him coldly or not. We alcoholics live in a perpetual rut that is very difficult to break out of. Leaving would take him accepting that life is going to get very real. Yes, that’s the painful path that begins sobriety but most people avoid pain. Even when we need to feel it to heal and grow. The band-aid effect. Drinking, smoking, drugs, sex can become crippling habits when we use them to avoid ourselves and the separation we have created for ourselves. Believe me, he’s not having fun. He’s suffering in silence. In prison of an unhealthy mind. It took me the shock of a bad accident to wake up to where my life was. Even though I am still dealing with physical pain I am thankful every day for those broken bones. It’s kind of like sleep walking through life. If nothing wakes you up then it’s just a dream. Not real. So sad. To answer your question I would suggest working on yourself. Eat right, exercise, get out and do things. Live your life without the expectation that he will change. I think noting that he’s been drinking is ok. Like’ I can smell the alcohol, have you been driving that way. I need to have you separate from my insurance. But try to keep inner peace. Practice taking a few deep breaths to calm your emotions. Embracing the desire to live a wholesome life means that we have to put energy into being whole in ourselves. It’s the only way to happiness. Cause otherwise, what’s the point?

Thank you! Very good advice finallyawakenow. I have trouble talking to any person who is obviously intoxicated. It's a struggle cause they can't put a thought together, what they say makes no sense, and I wind up pissed trying to act like if I ignore it....it will go away or be different. I'm not asking advice for how to change him. I know I can't change him by my actions or reactions. I'm reaching out for advice on how to handle this without enabling it. I've seen so many different approaches but a lot of them seem to "fly straight in the teeth" of the other ie…..don't bail him out of a mess but don't give him the could shoulder when he comes home drunk??? Not sure where the middle ground is. I've tried to push it in the back of my head when he comes home like that and carry on a light surface conversation but that winds up with me saying things like...…"what are you talking about" cause it's not along the lines of the conversation and him repeating what made no sense to begin with. So my answer to that is to just walk away from the conversation. That's when I read that the "could shoulder" is not good either. I'm very confused.

It is a colossal waste of time to attempt to have a conversation with a drunk (even slightly tipsy) individual. Just don't do to it.

In order to have any chance of a successful conversation, you must wait for a good time. When your partner is sober.

But before you have that conversation, carefully consider what you want to say. If the "talk" contains the request to quit drinking, what are your plans if he fails to comply? Are you willing to follow through with your plans? If you fail to carry through, your words become as worthless as his continual promises to quit drinking or drink less.

Perhaps you find some answers and support going to Al-Anon. You can learn ways to live your life without being so affected by his drinking. There is a neutral ground between enabling the alcoholic and heavy-handed confrontation.

The biggest question for you is whether or not this is the path you want to follow through life and if not, what are you going to do about the situation.

Agree with Yard. Talk to him when he’s sober and notify him that you will not be speaking to him if he comes home and has been drinking. Nobody wins. Welcome here.

Very sound advice. Thank you guys! I have been thinking the last 4 days about my course for this. I can't live like this forever , or I should say won't live like this. I was planning on having that conversation and giving him a week time limit to get some outside help or he has to live somewhere else and do this. Any thoughts on the length of time of a week? Does that sound reasonable?

Be prepared for for him to put it off till night of the seventh day. Is he concerned about you enough to leave if he doesn’t stop drinking? If you have been together this long than it’s legally a marriage isn’t it? Can you expect a fight over this? Protect yourself. Bests. (Ya, yardeggs has the best advice) !

Sydney,

A week sounds like plenty of time to get the ball rolling toward permanent sobriety. It takes mere minutes to find a local AA meeting (aa.ORG - AA near me). Depending on where you live, you can find AA meetings held several times a week to multiple times each day. There are many recovery organizations that can refer the alcoholic to outpatient or inpatient rehab programs.

I think one week is plenty of time for your partner to decide if he wants to pursue sobriety.

Now some words of reality.

Many people pursue sobriety as a means to save a floundering relationship, keep a job, keep a roof over their head, keep the creditors and the justice system at bay. But the only situation is which a quality and lasting sobriety can be achieved is when the individual WANTS to be sober IMHO. So unless your partners truly WANTS to get and stay sober, you may be in for a really bumpy ride.

Unfortunately, you may have to be the one to hold him accountable - to pursue treatment, attend AA, etc. That makes you the bitch and can create much resentment for both parties.

I don't know what your personal relationship situation is; be prepared to put him out of the house until he achieves credible sobriety (not "I haven't have a drink in 3 days").

This is going to be difficult for you. You also have work to do. His alcoholism affects you, so you should seek your own treatment. Hopefully, if and when you both diligently seek treatment and follow a program of recovery, you can come together once again as a whole and healthy couple. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your guy.

Great topic. I think and it has been my experience, that if you do not distance yourself from those still struggling to admit their drinking is evident and the elephant in the room, that person who refuses to create a distance out of respect, will continue to experience the unjustified wrath of untreated alcoholism, no matter how much they want or love the other person.

Alcoholism loves no one, and provoking it is like bringing a book of self-lighting matches to a party of gasoline barrels. Don't complain when you get burnt knowing those barrels will always be flammable.

Accepting relationships with people too sick or ignorant to decide to treat their alcoholism as very painful and very draining experiences will help much, whenever I experience chronic pain and a bond that is hopelessly frustrating and overly burdensome, I usually gravitate to God, who is the complete opposite of alcoholism, and he shows me how to comfort and love those who I am needing a life with who have alcoholism.

At the end of the day, none of us are really superstars, so if you have to leave, or gain an attitude of "this person needs to get a fucking life", and just want to start doing your own thing guilt free with no fear of consequence, do it, that's what most al-anons do and they find the freedom they always wanted by doing so.

As an untreated alcoholic, I experienced a good amount of provocative communication that was laced with hate quite frankly. Maybe it was the people so sickened by my sickness that made them so unhelpful, but I do know, as soon as I had the power to treat my alcoholism, all provocateurs ceased, and now are amazed that I have become such a different person, most of the time they are too speechless to have anything to say honestly.

My point is, if you got to do your own thing, do it, you don't have to be a hero with a loved one, and maybe you'll see the best form of love you could ever give a person is to let them know everything they are doing, is completely unacceptable and you will not allow it to be a part of your life going forward. That might be the wake-up call a person needs.