I like to write and post on this board when not feeling so well.  It helps, and the feedback has been very valuable.  I am off today.  I had intentions to do the right things and didn't rebel at them.  I did the right things, for the most part, and towards the end of the day, I got really depressed and started to have very ill thoughts.  

I do believe this is just part of the plan I live, and I do have a solution, so it's never an "end of the world" level reactions thing any longer when I have bad days like this, which are few and far between since I stopped drinking and doing drugs.  

I have noticed I am committing to not doing more than staying committed to doing what worked early on.  For instance, cleaning.  I know cleaning and cleaning on a regular basis has an affect on my mind and spirit that if done can take me to a very healthy place psychologically.  Instead I have been thinking I can put it off, or doing it a bit here and a bit there, but what ends up happening is what I don't do just piles up with what I have to do later, and it's becoming pretty frustrating.  

I've also noticed that I am forcing myself to hang with people who if I were completely myself around would guarantee me a judgment that would make me feel inferior.  That is becoming irritating, and my solution for that is "well if I have to be around people I have to don a mask for, I'm at least going to make sure it involves me getting paid."  This has created a dominating spirit of paying too much attention to earning more money, and I'd be lying if I said I am not interested in being greedy, because I am, but it's all out of my irritation with people I am around, that for lack of a better word, suck.  

Suck hard, I mean, blatantly either can't complete a task or could care less if they did.  I've been having to spend long periods around people who have mastered the art of indifference, and I being the extremist I am, have categoriezed them now as 
"soul-less", lol.  

So I am frustrated, irritated, greedy, procrastinting as an objective, and now have self-prescribed myself the ability to deem others who are no fun, soul-less.  

And I wonder why I do not have any positive feelings going on?  Some ways I can pray for that I know will aleviate frustration are particpating in sports I enjoy, and listening to comedy or watching absurdly hilarious movies and shows.  Some ways I can aleviate irritation is to excercise in a manner where if I don't work hard within the workout I will leave irriated I didn't work out to a maximum capacity, and I can make light of the inept personalities I have to witness.

If I am counting on powerless people to do a great job, it is my own fault if I am disappointed at an expectation not getting met, but if I have an attitude of "this can't be serious and won't be if I allow it to not be", I see it's never a huge problem that will have a ripple effect.  The greed thing I am just going to accept as the way God sparks an energy in me.  If I remove the man made inception of right and wrong, which I think is a good use of free will however, I have to ask myself why the greed?  Well the answer to that is the greed so I can have more, in case a moron using their own free will controls a situation for me to have less, while seeking more.  I like to have more over less, is that a problem?  I am not sure if there is a right or wrong answer, but I know the only thing me not having more of and it being a good thing is alcohol and drugs.  Everything else I have more of I typically manage sufficiently with practical decisions people respect.

I think there is more so a fear underneath my proposed greed that morons and people who are a problem will have a problem with my greed, so if I look deep enough, it's not me wanting more that is the main problem, it's the fear of people who cannot get more, having a problem that I can. 

Is me fearing people a problem, for whatever reason?  Me fearing people is a serious problem God definitely wants me to absolve, and that is great news and well worth all the little shit I think is worth pontificating over in a vent session like I am doing now. 

The procrastination thing is just me acting like a teenager, but also me being lazy with a justification I need rest, which is bullshit since I know how to spiritually charge myself at any moment thanks to God, AA, and the whole recovery community. 

Lastly, me thinking others lack souls is dead wrong, ironcially.  I think that is just my intelligence getting the better of me and plotting along with my ego to distance myself from helping everyone who is born with a soul. 

I've been isolating, being a little bitch for chicks I strongly want to sleep with, and I'm budgeting, but I am cheap budgeting, like I am trying to not pay for things I need way too much, for instance I did the use bath towels and shirts for napkins think recently because I was both too irritated to go into the supermarket to be around "those people" and didn't want to spend on "that shit" any more.  It was horrible, it made my washing machine consistently smell and I found a couple of roaches as well. 

Anyway, I feel so much better when I can just come in here, laxed, and jot down a few streams of conscious.  Hope everyone had a great holiday season.