Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Hi everyone,
I've been reading through many of your posts, and it's great how supportive everyone here seems. It has also been tremendous for me to see that I am not the only one going through this struggle; someone who has never crossed over into the dark side of alcohol abuse really just cannot understand.
I'm still unsure how to approach my bad relationship with alcohol. I started drinking heavily when I was about 18, but at that time it was mainly a social thing, marked by peer pressure type situations and feeling the need to get wasted on the weekends to be "cool" (college party scene and whatnot).
I don't remember when the first time I drank alone was; I think sometime around 20 or 21. The opened a dark series of episodes where I would show up to parties and get "inexplicably" wasted within the first hour, which obviously made no sense to my friends and led to an excessive amount of lying to loved ones, of which I feel a great burden of guilt to this day.
I've found that I can go days and weeks without drinking (and feel great), but lately I've had these binge episodes that have stolen days that should have been productive. Living with my boyfriend brought a lot of it out into the open, as I couldn't hide it from him (he doesn't drink). It basically ruined his trust in me, and I'm not sure if I will ever fully regain it. Following the binges, I experience all the horrible withdrawal symptoms you've all mentioned - so I fully empathize with how scary it is (the worst was when I was experiencing audio hallucinations.. hearing what sounded like singing).
After getting over withdrawal episodes and putting myself back on track, as I said, I can go a while without it, but the problem seems to be that I am incapable of moderation. In other words, one drink might as well equal 20... I want to be able to go out and share drinks with friends like normal people do, but I've consistently gone overboard, even when others aren't into getting totally hammered.
I guess my question is: do you all think it is possible for someone like me - who a) drinks alone to excess sometimes, and b) can rarely find moderation when it comes to alcohol of any kind - to drink normally in social situations? I haven't had the courage, as so many of you have, to seek professional help; I just can't deal with the shame I feel. This is the first time I've really spoken honestly about this problem... conversations with my boyfriend and mother (the only two who have truly seen it all and know that these episodes are not merely isolated incidents of accidentally drinking too much) never go very well, because as non-drinkers, they get easily frustrated and disgusted with my idiotic behavior.
Any thoughts/suggestions welcome :-)
I've been reading through many of your posts, and it's great how supportive everyone here seems. It has also been tremendous for me to see that I am not the only one going through this struggle; someone who has never crossed over into the dark side of alcohol abuse really just cannot understand.
I'm still unsure how to approach my bad relationship with alcohol. I started drinking heavily when I was about 18, but at that time it was mainly a social thing, marked by peer pressure type situations and feeling the need to get wasted on the weekends to be "cool" (college party scene and whatnot).
I don't remember when the first time I drank alone was; I think sometime around 20 or 21. The opened a dark series of episodes where I would show up to parties and get "inexplicably" wasted within the first hour, which obviously made no sense to my friends and led to an excessive amount of lying to loved ones, of which I feel a great burden of guilt to this day.
I've found that I can go days and weeks without drinking (and feel great), but lately I've had these binge episodes that have stolen days that should have been productive. Living with my boyfriend brought a lot of it out into the open, as I couldn't hide it from him (he doesn't drink). It basically ruined his trust in me, and I'm not sure if I will ever fully regain it. Following the binges, I experience all the horrible withdrawal symptoms you've all mentioned - so I fully empathize with how scary it is (the worst was when I was experiencing audio hallucinations.. hearing what sounded like singing).
After getting over withdrawal episodes and putting myself back on track, as I said, I can go a while without it, but the problem seems to be that I am incapable of moderation. In other words, one drink might as well equal 20... I want to be able to go out and share drinks with friends like normal people do, but I've consistently gone overboard, even when others aren't into getting totally hammered.
I guess my question is: do you all think it is possible for someone like me - who a) drinks alone to excess sometimes, and b) can rarely find moderation when it comes to alcohol of any kind - to drink normally in social situations? I haven't had the courage, as so many of you have, to seek professional help; I just can't deal with the shame I feel. This is the first time I've really spoken honestly about this problem... conversations with my boyfriend and mother (the only two who have truly seen it all and know that these episodes are not merely isolated incidents of accidentally drinking too much) never go very well, because as non-drinkers, they get easily frustrated and disgusted with my idiotic behavior.
Any thoughts/suggestions welcome :-)
First of all you are very welcome to the forum. As a heavy drinker over a period of 38 years I can understand your situation very well.
Only you can decide where you are regarding your relationship with alcohol but from my own experience I know that there is often a lack of knowledge and understanding on the subject which makes an honest assessment very difficult. Therefore, a good starting point is to learn about what drives people to drink excessively and why some drinkers cannot stop drinking once they start. Once you have that understanding you will be in a better position to answer your question about whether or not you can drink normally in a social situation.
For a percentage of drinkers drinking becomes an obsession of the mind. This is something that happens gradually over a period of time and the outcome is that the person will find justification for drinking that may not make sense to other people. The thinking goes from something like: A few drinks would help to I cant do this without a few drinks. Drinking alone, drinking before going to parties, not being honest with other people etc. are red flags and maybe an indication that drinking has become an obsession for you.
People who have a problem with alcohol tend to do one of three things. One type will decide that alcohol is causing too much hassle and this person will quit drinking. Sometimes quitting will be easy because there is a strong motivation to stop. For others quitting will be a struggle but their willpower and determination will see them through.
The second type will decide to moderate their drinking, maybe drinking less often or limiting the number of drinks. Like type one above, they may find it easy or it may be a struggle but they will usually be successful.
The third type will continue to drink, ignoring or disregarding the consequences. A percentage of these drinkers will go on to acquire a mental obsession. Some will also develop an abnormal physical reaction to alcohol. This reaction in the body results in a craving for alcohol once a drink is taken and each drink increases the craving. You wrote: In other words, one drink might as well equal 20 and that seems to indicate that you have developed this abnormal reaction to alcohol. What this means is that it is not the sixth or twentieth drink that is the problem but the FIRST. Once the first drink is taken the craving takes over and you cannot stop.
Once you understand that one drink will always produce a craving for more alcohol it is easy to see that the solution to the problem is to avoid taking that first one. Therefore, in my opinion it will not be possible for you to go back to having those normal drinks with your friends and your only solution may be total abstinence from alcohol.
You can go days or weeks without drinking and what you are doing during those times is pitting your willpower against the urge to drink. There are apparently some people who can do that indefinitely and they will never have a problem with alcohol again. However, there are many other cases where the obsession for alcohol has become so strong and entrenched that it will always overcome willpower eventually and the person will drink again. For such people to recover they will need to find some means of removing that obsession for alcohol.
Removing the obsession for alcohol involves bringing about a big change in the way of thinking. There are probably many ways of bringing about that change and you will see some of them described in other threads here. Many people have found the answers through Alcoholics Anonymous. You are not idiotic or week but you may be suffering from an illness that often requires outside help. Pride can be a major barrier that prevents people from seeking the necessary help and sadly pride leaves many such people in an early grave. Please be honest with yourself and do whatever you need to do as you are dealing with a serious condition.
Your pattern mirrors mine and I could not moderate and get to the bottom of my problems. The following is only my own personal experience.
I had to be sober long enough to separate out the true cause of the auditory hallucinations, and other mental disturbances I was experiencing. In my case it turned out I had an underlying mental condition that alcohol intensified and complicated the diagnosis of it.
I remember feeling this overwhelming pressure to drink building over the course of non-drinking periods. It was more than a mental obsession. It was this feeling throughout my whole being screaming out. I was self-medicating.
Once stabilized from my mental condition with medication there were/are many things I had/have to do to get my life to somewhat something resembling orderly and reasonably satisfying.
There is no shame in seeking out help of any kind. The real shame would be staying stuck on the merry-go-round...Good luck in finding the things you need.
Just remember a lot of people find it hard to give up altogether even when they know they should. If that's the case reach out for help. ..it's available and it's possible
P
I remember on one particularly bad morning a few months ago, after a serious binge the previous night, I felt so awful that I immediately reached for the bottle at like 9am when I had many things to do that day... Thinking about it now, I recall my first and only priority (other than getting rid of the shame I felt for overdoing it yet again) was to somehow get rid of any and all evidence, so that if something happened to me that day, no one would know (or be able to prove) alcohol was the cause. These are the kind of absurd thoughts I have when letting this problem control me.
Thanks for all the non-judgmental comments :-)
It does not seem that you can drink in moderation, you have experimented with moderation many times and failed.
I'm sorry but that is how I see it from reading your post.
Stay here...talk things out and...stay strong.
We don't have to drink to have fun. I've experienced tons more fun without drinking.