Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
My boyfriend of 4 years is finally out of prison after 2 years of serving time for DUI. He is 38 years old and has gone to jail several times for PI or DUI and so forth. He has an11 year old son and is currently living with his parents. He is also affected by liver disease and has had 2 variceal bleeds in the last 10 years. I guess being in prison has helped him stay alive in a way by keeping him away from booze. He is now out on parole and is supposed to be tending to all his court order requirements, and of course AA being one of them, and he is beginning to slack off after 3 weeks of being home. I told myself that I would not stand for this behavior anymore once he was home and yet I find myself going through the same crap i experienced before he went to prison. You see, I've known this man for 20 years. He used to be my best friend in high school and we reunited after my divorce 4 years ago. I have so much history with him and I know that deep down he is a good man, the problem is he is an alcoholic. I want to help him so badly and I dont know how. Im afraid to leave him because I know that he will die if I do. I fear that I will not forgive myself if something happens to him. I know that if i leave him he will be in jail or dead very soon. That scenario keeps playing in my head over and over.
He says hes not an alcoholic. He says that he drinks to socialize and that I am making a big deal out of things and that I am trying to control him. I disagree. I just want the best for us and I think that based on his past, alcohol has been the culprit of his problems. Yet he refuses to accept that.. I dont want to give up on him but I dont know what to do to help him anymore. I know that he has to want to change for himself in order to gain sobriety but what can i do to help him get to that realization. I try to be the best role model I can possibly be for him and yet its not enough. I am out of solutions. Should I just walk away and let destiny take its course or am I taking the cowardly way out? please advise!!
He says hes not an alcoholic. He says that he drinks to socialize and that I am making a big deal out of things and that I am trying to control him. I disagree. I just want the best for us and I think that based on his past, alcohol has been the culprit of his problems. Yet he refuses to accept that.. I dont want to give up on him but I dont know what to do to help him anymore. I know that he has to want to change for himself in order to gain sobriety but what can i do to help him get to that realization. I try to be the best role model I can possibly be for him and yet its not enough. I am out of solutions. Should I just walk away and let destiny take its course or am I taking the cowardly way out? please advise!!
As much as you care for him, you are enabling him to continue his behavior. You will never be strong enough or brave enough to get him sober. He is the one who must be brave enough and want it enough to get sober.
Check out Al-Anon for support as you work this out. And you will get support and guidance here on DS also.
I would suggest you try attending some Al-Anon meetings. You will meet others who share similar struggles.
Good luck.
I sat down on the bed - he was very sick - and I read Chapter 3 from the Big Book of AA. To me it is one of the most important chapters of the book - it talks about the lengths we are willing to go to to maintain our right to kill ourselves.
But first I told him I was going to have to leave him because I could not watch him kill himself. While I read that chapter to him - I cried - he cried - and something very magical happened which I can't quite explain - I call it God.
My husband never took another drink and he lived many more years than the doctors had given him when he was drinking.
I agree with the suggestion that you find Al-Anon meetings in your area - they will help you stay strong for yourself. But in the meantime - see if you can find the Big Book of AA . Your AA central office should be able to provide you with one - and read that chapter to your boyfriend. You just never know......
Then came "I know AL-ANON is where I need to be but...." You are using the same R & J (rationalization and justification) your boyfriend is using to avoid doing what you know you need to do. Nothing changes until something changes. He will not get the help he needs regardless of your urgings, you have reasons not to get the help you need regardless of our advice.
I'm not jumping your ass, just pointing out something to think about, maybe to understand him and yourself.
I know it is difficult - hell, if it was easy, I doubt there would even be an Alcoholism group here on DS.
You got to GOYA - get off your ass and do something.
When I was an active alcoholic, drinking was my only priority. Once I made a decision to make changes, sobriety (and whatever I had to do to get it) became my new priority (and it still is.)
He gets and stays sober - then you can see what happens. Until then, you are setting yourself up.
Hugs,
Dennis
Things are gonna get ugly pretty quickly.
You are up against something that is gonna bring you down.
Most of the folks here know my story, but if it helps, I'll share it.
The man I also loved very much, and knew since high school also said he was not an alcoholic, showed exactly the same denial behaviors as yours. He also had variceal bleeding, etc. Alcohol is a progressive disease. 2 years in prison means nothing to an alcoholic. They will be right back where they were, and most likely worse. My advice, because you asked, is to RUN like hell! Being a role model means nothing. I started attending Alanon regularly 2 years ago, then about 1 year ago, I stopped drinking and began attending AA every single day. I also started making plans to get out, at the same time trying to help my husband. His family and I tried a serious intervention, and he tried 2 rehabs - attending ONLY to get the law and us off his back. His 2 children begged him. He was a loving father, but he had NO intention of quitting.
He died of hepatic liver failure 6 months ago. Yes, I still love him.
Rummi, alcohol is SO cunning, baffling and powerful that absolutely nothing you do will affect this situation. Please walk away very soon. Please don't waste anymore time planning to go to Alanon, but not going. Please help yourself.
I belong to a Widows and Widowers forum, and you would be surprised and saddened by the woman I have met there who lost their boyfriends and spouses at ages 36 - 65 from alcohol.
Please ask him to leave now, call Alanon and pm me if you would like. You will be lonely and confused, of course, but like Timmy said, "this is gonna bring you down too".
You are not "giving up on him" you are facing reality and saving yourself. I was advised a year ago by professionals to "get my affairs in order". Please do so for yourself, NOW.
No matter how busy you are it would be a good idea to put the solution to this problem before everything else, for your own sake as well as your boyfriend and that means going to Al-Anon meetings as others have suggested.
If your boyfriend is indeed an alcoholic, nothing much that you say will make things better and indeed, he may use the fact that you are bringing it up at all as an excuse to drink more. Experience has shown that the best person to talk to an alcoholic is another alcoholic and this is why AA works so well. It only works though if the person admits defeat to alcohol and I fear that your boyfriend has not reached that stage yet. Sadly, he will get there eventually or die in the process.