Hi, sounds like a lot to deal with. Maybe you could just focus on the booze for now, or maybe have a look over here see if anything rings bells...relationships were always foggy for me...mine or theirs, between us we didn't have many clear days!


http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=6.0

P

Hello annkjma,

As I see it this is not so much about your husband and the other people but more about how you react to what they do. The rights and the wrongs of it are important of course but if you are to gain peace of mind and continued sobriety you would be wise to learn a new way of reacting to people, places and things.

In the case of your husband, his gambling and his business partners you seem to have deep resentment. This is understandable and is the way that most people would react in the same situation. For most people, resentment interferes with their happiness and causes stress that may cause them health problems. For an alcoholic, resentment often causes drinking and drinking often leads to an early death. Therefore, you cannot afford to have resentment against other people, regardless of whether your anger is justified or not.

There are two issues that you may wish to consider here. The first thing would be to learn how to react differently to people and situations of the type that you have described. How you do that is something I cannot tell you but I did it through the Twelve Step programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. In an ideal world you could have a talk with those people you mentioned and they would change their ways and treat you with respect. However, the real world does not work like that and you will meet people like the ones you described every day and in all walks of life. Therefore, the choice that you have is to live with continuous resentment or to learn a way of coping with it. The one person you can change is you.

The second thing to do is something that may be better postponed until you have dealt with the first issue and that second thing would involve doing something to change the things that you can change. It could involve insisting on an honest talk with your husband to find out where you stand. Is he prepared to tackle his gambling problem? Is there anything going on between him and his ex-wife (you may need to do some digging to find the truth)? Do you have a future together?

The worst thing that you could do is to drink. You would just give those other people a chance to say that they were right about you all along. They would not suffer much worry or discomfort if you drank but you could die. Maybe you need to get your sense of self-worth from within rather than from other peoples doings. Maybe some counselling would help or if you dont want to dig into those $$ you can get something similar for free at AA.

No doubt this is not what you wanted to hear but if you want positive results you may have to think differently and act accordingly.

I found in early sobriety that I had been using all kinds of "justifications" to seek solace in alcohol. For someone in trouble with alcohol this is always a bad idea. For alcoholics like me it can be fatal. I learned to question my thinking where booze (and many other things) were concerned. I had to let go of being dissatisfied with the mess I was in to concentrate on new sobriety for a while and getting my head clear. It's tough but achievable. Personally I needed help with that so I got the help through AA.

Thanks all, for taking the time to respond. I'm going to enjoy a quiet night with the kids while him and his ex are at their Christmas dinner. I talked to a few folks that truly care for me and they basically said "let them enjoy their dinner and be glad you don't have to go....and every one knows if ur hubby didn't have $$$, she would be hanging around.....and no way is she going near him. He's gained 150 pounds! She didn't sleep with him when they were married!" Lol very true. My Dad said, "of coarse you weren't invited....you have to watch their kid!!! whatever....I'm a homebody anyway.

This SUCKS!!!

I don't even see this about your drinking. I see this as your family situation is out of control. NO WAY would I stand for my husband to be so chummy to his ex while I'm shoved to the corner.

I'd want to drink, too.

I'd see this as a way to exert some control back into your life. Stay sober. Draw lines in the sand with your husband. Make him attentive to your needs.

Are you codependent, too? Try joining that board...

Hugs!

What to do during their little party? Treat yourself to something. Journal. Watch a movie he'd not watch. And love yourself enough not to drink.

Hugs again!

Okay. So you married him. I will assume that you love him, and are forgiving his faults. It is what it is. Drinking will never, ever improve your situation. It can only make it worse.
You describe yourself as the stepford wife. You also say he totally disregards your feelings. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment. Perhaps that's what you need to focus your energies on. Again, drinking will not make it better.
You probably need to find something "else" to treat yourself with, other than wine. Buy something for yourself - a scarf, some jewelry, a romance novel, and CD. In the morning, you will still have it, and no hangover. Just sayin'
Good luck to you.

Thanks so much. I cried as I read your response. I'm not drinking. I'm just sad. For the record, my "drinking problem" was something my family was shocked to hear. It's not like I was ever "the drunk wife", never. I took it upon myself to say, "I'm drinking nightly, alone. This isn't normal. I did it to cope. My husband could be a multi millionaire, but he gambled all of it away. His company is doing great! His ex wife is doing great! He's gained so, so much weight due to his own issues that we can't physically be intimate, we don't sleep in same bed, he has issues wiping after he goes to the bathroom. He pukes daily, due to anxiety. His ex wife prays for him and offers to take him to church. He can't go into our church without puking his guts out in the parking lot, but he can go to dinner and church with her. I am a stay at home mom. My kids have anything they could ever want. And all I want is a normal marraige. I drink with my new neighbor friends because he's never home. I think part of me stopped drinking just to prove to myself that I could. I chose to drink every night, I can choose to not drink. And, guess what, I can. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes dealing with the dysfunction. My brother thinks I should meet my ex for coffee just to see what he would do. How could that be forbidden if he works with, goes to church with, eats with his ex? For the record, I do not think she is interested in him for anything other than the $. I'm not worried about that. I'm just sad tonight.

Omg! I just talked to his sister and she's saying that they were wondering if I would ever break down cause I always seem so happy! They were wondering what was wrong with me that I was so calm about all the craziness with their brother, like what's wrong with me that I'm still with him!!!!! I told her about my drinking and she said "holy shit", I would be drinking too if I had to put up with what you are!!!!!!! I guess its just time to sober up and look at my life.

No BS or 'holier than thou' here, just some honest experience.

Many of us ended up in pretty toxic situations or putting up with more than we needed to after years of drinking. Some people find when they start to sober up they just aren't the same person anymore. ..and that can mean walking away from people and situations we used to settle for, or it can mean really slowly starting to put some boundaries down...

Sorting these problems on the outside won't necessarily solve the drinking problems, but it might make staying stopped easier if that's your choice. And it's a natural progression...sober life starts looking different to the past...a new perspective and changed attitude were a natural progression for me. Some changes started to happen and more needed to be made.

I have no doubt you can stay sober in spite of all this...dig in and good luck

P

I;m with Paul here and you Sometimes Sad is only the only distraction we have that helps to keep our Sanity...I'm real glad Soobriety and many of my sobarrrrrrrr friends did not always try to read my mind and label me this or that but Boy I could tell you some stories...Here's a song for you ...It tells a story better than Me :)))) Petes version is my fav I heard it for the first time after a Na meeting in Jensen Beach in the summer of1986...it made perfect sense to me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LLi3ztyHvs

Billy

Pete Townshend
After The Fire lyrics

After the fire the fire still burns,
The heart grows older but never ever learns.
The memories smolder and the soul always yearns,
After the fire the fire still burns.

I heard a voice asking what happens after the fire
And then the sound of a breaking window and the scream of a tire
And then the sound of Brixton gun and the scream of a child.
The night is hot
But nothing's going to stop
This gang running wild.

After the fire the fire still burns,
The heart grows older but never ever learns.
The memories smolder and the soul always yearns,
After the fire the fire still burns.

I saw Matt Dillon in black and white
There ain't no color in memories.
He rode his brother's Harley across the tv
While I was laughing at Dom Deluise.
Now I'm cycling all my video tapes, I'm crying and I'm joking.
I've gotta stop drinking, I've gotta stop thinking,
I've gotta stop smoking.

After the fire the fire still burns,
The heart grows older but never ever learns.
The memories smolder and the soul always yearns,
After the fire
The fire still burns, raging through the pain,
Blackening the promises, the tears and the rain.
The fire will burn
'til the wind begins to turn
And it all begins again.
After the fireeeee... Yea the fire still burns

After the fire the fire still burns,
The heart grows older but never ever learns.
The memories smolder and the soul always yearns,
After the fire the fire still burns,
The fire still burns,
After the fire the fire still burns,
The heart grows older but never ever learns.
The memories smolder and the soul always yearns,
After the fire the fire still burns. :)))))))

Yes, things look crazy round here through sober eyes! No wonder I was drunk! Facing the reality is shocking!!!! I'm glad to be sober and I have no desire to drink. Thanks, Billy. Love the song!

I look at this way. When I get drunk it is never a few, it is many.

Eventually after many, I am no longer myself.

I hate the person I become so my desire to drink leaves me every single time. Not to mention the other 'troubles' drinking has always led me to: Jail, Bad Decisions, and Toxic relationships. Now that I am sober my results are always the opposite of those three.

Okay, time for some real, honest talk.
Before I begin, let me say that I would never share this in public.

My first husband (got rest his soul) would drink every day, smoke cigars, eat too much, you name it. He gained a LOT of weight, and we were rarely intimate near the end. The end being his death of a heart attack. I was using alcohol to cope with what was going on. I kept my job, kept working, kept from breaking down to the point that people at work had no idea how much pain I was in. After his death, I sobered up a bit, and lost some weight. I met and married a new, wonderful man. He also drinks. So, there you have it, patterns repeating. I think that's what drove me here. I don't want a "do over."
Thankfully, my new relationship is far from toxic. It's just not as good as it could be without alcohol. I can't control my husband's drinking, but I can control mine. Same goes for you.
Hope that helps in some way. Be good to yourself.

Lots going on.
I guess I'd look at first things first. Are you alcoholic? Do you want to stop drinking? If you are alcoholic, as long as you are drinking things will get progressively worse. Its just the way we roll. I had it all nicely balanced; a great career; beautiful children; a slew of friends and a great big social scene, traveling around the world. All looked good on the outside. Problem was with reality. Passing out almost every night. Awful hangovers. Feeling sick all the time when I wasnt drunk. I was...a drunk. A drunk mom. Not pretty, nothing glamorous about that.
Stepford wife? Sure if they are alcoholic.
So if you are in that shape its time to get sober, or not. Up to you. But none of the other problems will do you a lick of good solved unless you stop drinking.