Guys, I finally did it. I worked up enough courage to attend my first AA meeting. It didn’t really go like I thought it would, but it was still a good experience. The moment I got there, people were very friendly, they said hello and held the door open for me. I was a little taken back because of how many people were there. There were at least 40 people attending! I was shocked. I found a seat and hoped for the best. I will admit, though, that there were parts about the meeting that were uncomfortable to me. For starters, I understand that the 12 steps works for most people, but it felt weird to me. Everyone started reciting the steps in unison and it just made me feel weird. The thing is, I’m not very religious. I mean, I grew up in Catholic school so maybe the reason it makes me uncomfortable is because I was forced into religion. I kept an open mind, though. Once people started talking, I started to feel more comfortable. It was strange, though. Only three people spoke and the hour was up. I enjoyed hearing their stories, but I wanted more out of the meeting. One thing I will say, they asked if there were any new members and people started raising their hands. I was extremely nervous as I watched everyone speak, and I knew I had to say something. I wanted to be brave. Right when everyone stopped speaking and they were going to move on, I shyly raised my hand. The speaker, who saw me walk in and realized I was new, smiled and said, “Yes! Hello! What’s your name?” I took a deep breath and said, “Hi, my name is Crystal and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for 19 days.” Everyone smiled and clapped and I felt really good. Like I said, the meeting went by really quickly. Before I knew it the meeting was over. I wanted to stick around and talk to people, but I was really nervous. As I was leaving, a man told me congratulations on being sober for 19 days. I definitely want to attend another meeting. The thing is that this was an Open Meeting. There is a Closed Meeting on Monday that I think I might attend because I’d like to see the difference between the two. I’m just really grateful that there are places like this where people with the same experiences can come and be around people who get it. Everyone seemed so kind and supportive and I really felt comfortable around them. I definitely want a more intimate setting where I can talk and feel like I am a part of the group. From what I realized, everyone was from different groups, so I definitely have to go to another Open Meeting and talk to someone about going about becoming a member. I am just really happy and proud that I went. I walked out and felt really good. It was Friday night, a night that I would usually go out and get drunk. Instead, I went to AA and left my comfort zone. It was so worth it.

To be honest, though, I am terrified to relapse. I know that relapse is a part of recovery, but it still scares me. The holidays are coming up, and I just don’t want to screw up. Sometimes I feel like it’s easier to relapse early on in recovery rather than years down the line, but I know they are both bad. Luckily, my dad has been really supportive. He told me that whenever I feel like drinking, to just come to his house. That made me feel happy because it is a safe place for me to go when I have really bad cravings. My dad actually went to a Halloween party the other night, and he told me that he was about to get a drink but he thought of me, so he decided to have a diet coke instead. That really made my night. I was happy that he thought of me and my sobriety. I feel like becoming sober has opened so many doors for me. I feel like I am looking at life with a new set of eyes. I just really want to stay strong and stay sober. The next couple of months are going to be really hard on me, especially during the holidays, but I am going to try my hardest to stick to sobriety. Every time I think about getting drunk I think about why I want and need to quit. That usually helps, but sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I keep telling myself; take it one day at a time. I’m almost a month sober, so much longer than I thought I’d last. I have to start giving myself more credit. I am doing a great job, and I’ve done so much in such a short amount of time. I even met a guy who I have been completely upfront and honest with, and he has been so supportive. I didn’t think in a million years that a guy would still be interested in a girl who is so early in sobriety with all these problems, but he is great. I’ve also met two people on this site that are absolutely amazing and I am grateful for them every single day. I’m closer to them than people I see every day. Things have just been looking up, and I am really happy. I figured I’d write an update post about everything that has been going on. I’m just really happy.. extremely happy..

-C