Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I posted this on the Healthy Relationships board about an hour ago, but no activity. If this is inappropriate for this group, please let me know and accept my apologies. I'm hoping my friends here might have an answer for me.
I would like some input regarding my relationship with my husband (also a recovered alcoholic). We have been married for 9 years now. He is truly my best friend, he knows all my secrets, I know he loves me completely and unconditionally. We have common values, beliefs and goals. We have great fun together and I love him completely. So what's the problem?
My DH also suffers with chronic depression and chronic pain. So when his depression rears it's ugly head (as it is now), our relationship completely changes. He withdraws, he becomes distant and emotionally unavailable. He is not physically available either, not only sexually/intimately but also as a helpmate in maintaining the home and doing things around the house. He spends sleeping or reading in bed all day, watching TV and reading all night. Yes, he is under a psych doctors care. He is medication compliant. I learned early in our marriage that there is nothing I can do to alleviate this depression or bring him out of it. It just takes time for him to come around. And when he comes around, our relationship is damn near perfect.
I know that his behaviour when he is depressed is not a reflection on his love for me. I know none of this is personal. I know that it is all symptomatic of the depression. However, during these times I feel alone. I feel like a single woman again, without anyone in my life. I am fully responsible for the running of the household, etc (not that I mind that - I am completely competent to take care of myself), I do however miss the emotional support. I put myself in the mind-set that I am single, so I don't have the expectation of having someone to support me emotionally. I liken it to being a military wife who dearly loves her husband, he just isn't around on a daily basis. I have found that if I don't separate myself (detach) myself, I get very resentful of my husband and his disease.
My question is whether or not this is a healthy way of coping with this? Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks, SA
I would like some input regarding my relationship with my husband (also a recovered alcoholic). We have been married for 9 years now. He is truly my best friend, he knows all my secrets, I know he loves me completely and unconditionally. We have common values, beliefs and goals. We have great fun together and I love him completely. So what's the problem?
My DH also suffers with chronic depression and chronic pain. So when his depression rears it's ugly head (as it is now), our relationship completely changes. He withdraws, he becomes distant and emotionally unavailable. He is not physically available either, not only sexually/intimately but also as a helpmate in maintaining the home and doing things around the house. He spends sleeping or reading in bed all day, watching TV and reading all night. Yes, he is under a psych doctors care. He is medication compliant. I learned early in our marriage that there is nothing I can do to alleviate this depression or bring him out of it. It just takes time for him to come around. And when he comes around, our relationship is damn near perfect.
I know that his behaviour when he is depressed is not a reflection on his love for me. I know none of this is personal. I know that it is all symptomatic of the depression. However, during these times I feel alone. I feel like a single woman again, without anyone in my life. I am fully responsible for the running of the household, etc (not that I mind that - I am completely competent to take care of myself), I do however miss the emotional support. I put myself in the mind-set that I am single, so I don't have the expectation of having someone to support me emotionally. I liken it to being a military wife who dearly loves her husband, he just isn't around on a daily basis. I have found that if I don't separate myself (detach) myself, I get very resentful of my husband and his disease.
My question is whether or not this is a healthy way of coping with this? Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks, SA
You know that it is not a true reflection of his feelings for you when he withdraws so your detachment with love at these times seems a pretty healthy thing to do. Life must go on and have a quality for you and you are making the most of it. I think, given those circumstances, I would do the same.
In my own relationship with a non-alcoholic and through learning in my own recovery, I found that having my dependence and faith in God first and developing a better and more wholesome self -sufficiency where possible made for a far more harmonious relationship.
My partner and I have lots of common interests that we enjoy together but we also recognise and respect each others own individual needs and space.
I know your situation is different in that the spaces are longer and probably unpredictable but it is healthy not to have expectations that cannot presently be fulfilled and filling your life with other interests aside from your relationships can make the time you do have together more interesting.
Don't know if that helps at all, hope it might.
I've learned that it helps to have one singular activity in times that I feel most pushed away. Its times like these that i must also tap into my creativity and paint and draw. Its a way for me to accomplish something all my own, without anyones help. When I see my own accomplishments, I feel good about "taking a break from the 'us'" and centering on the "me". Usually it ends up re-establishing my personality --- and he picks up on that too. That personality, after all, is the personality he fell in love with.
Hope this helps.
It sounds to me like you have a handle on dealing with this demon called depression. My prayers are with you. While this maynot be a drinking problem it certainly is a living problem. that makes it a problem for the alcoholic. That makes it ok for here if you ask me. Greg
sounds like this is your time to be supportive...thank God he does not have cancer and trust that these things are cyclical with him and that he loves you. I understand what you are going thru, my husband has spells of depression too. I'm sure your husband appreciates your care and comfort and love when he can not love himself.
Since starting meds the clinical, out of thin air depressions have become very rare for me but there have been situational depressions following my parents deaths and my divorce.
Alcoholics can be very sensitive to others feelings and unfortunately attitudes can be contagious so I'd say that what you're doing by detaching is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. He will come out of the depression and probably feel bad about putting you in the position of taking care of everything while he's been sick. I hope he comes around real soon.
Jim