Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Although I knew my boyfriend had a drinking problem I still married him of course with the thought that once we married I could influence him to change. Boy was a wrong! We've been married 3 months now and Ive thrown away about a bottle a week. Every week I go on the hunt to find his stash and I always find it and throw it away. Of course he gets angry with me and its silence for about 2 days but we go on again until the next find. Today again I have found another bottle. Unlike other time I decided to just leave it alone. I told him I found it and I told him that Im tired of looking for bottles and tired of fighting. I cant live my life worrying about him. Im tired of it! We've been together 6 years. He is an incredible man in so many ways other than this. He treats me well and is an awesome father if only he could stop drinking. He doesnt get drunk ever, as a matter of fact I cant even tell when he drinks. I guess he's a true alcoholic because he can coast all day and be completely cool. The problem is that he has a bad liver and I know that its a matter of time before he gets really sick. I try to get him to understand that each time he takes a drink he's killing himself but since he's physically fine right now he seems to think he's ok. As for treatment, well he goes to AA three times a week but it seems like that does nothing for him. He's met other guys there and they all seem to take it as a joke. Either they are there for court purposes or because they have someone forcing them to be there. I know that this is all BS and I had a choice when I decided to marry him. I know that he has changed somewhat but Im not satisfied. He says that I dont appreciate what he has accomplished and that he has cut down alot however I dont believe him when I see a half gallon bottle of vodka. He says he makes that bottle go 3 weeks but I dont believe him. Regardless, who drinks a half gallon of vodka? I didnt even know they sold them in that size! Im just so confused and not sure how to deal with this. I know alanon is what is recommended but I just dont have time for this in my life. I feel like I just need to let him live his life as he chooses and live mine as I choose to as well. I love him and dont have any intention to leave him, I guess my only alternative is to bury him!
Thats the alcoholic himself. He can go through all the motions that he does by going to AA meetings but as you said he "hangs" with the guys that dont want to be thre either.He doesnt hear the message that the recovering alcoholics have to offer . Simply because he doesnt want to. He has to want to stop drinking before any kind of program has a chance. We can't scare the alcoholic into sobriety nor will consequenses be a motivation. He may unfortunately take his drinking to the point where he gets to sick to drink. We can only pray that he doesnt have to kill himself before he decides to get sober. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It ALWAYS gets worse NEVER better. I will keep you and him in my recovery prayers. Keep coming back.
Greg
Maybe the most urgent question is why you were attracted to this man in the first place. We alkies, especially early in our drinking careers, do exude a certain charm. Some people see right through it all and keep us at a safe distance, while others are attracted to us like a moth to the fatal flame. If you even suspect that the latter describes you fairly, then I'd say Al Anon is where you'll eventually find a permanent solution. Because even if it isn't this guy, the chances are that you'll eventually find another who's still in the early stages of it and suits you a little better, and the whole show will start again from scratch.
But that solution is always temporary at best, because alcoholism is a progressive and unstable disease. Until total abstinence is achieved, over time we always get worse, never better. This is the stark, non-negotiable fact of this disease as both we and our loved ones have lived it, and those who fancy they can fix us with care and love are, frankly, condemning themselves to lives of failure and frustration.
So if you've been strongly attracted to a man in those earlier stages of it, then maybe there is something about yourself instead of him that needs to be addressed, lest the whole pattern just keeps repeating itself. In the fellowship of Al Anon you will meet countless people who were also once caught in this same vicious cycle, but who've found a way to break out of it and find for yourself in turn a whole new level of freedom and happiness.
You have received excellent replies to your post and there is very little more that I could add, except to endorse what the others have said about Al-Anon.
The one thing that you can be certain about is that unless your husband starts taking his problem seriously, it will get much worse. For you to deal with it on your own, without the experience of other people on your side is going to leave you wrecked physically and mentally. No matter how busy you are, I would urge you to make the time and get help for yourself. You wont change your husband but it is vital for you not to get dragged down with him.
My understanding of Al-Anon is limited but I know that you will find other people there who have found a way to cope with the same problem. They will also give you support when you need it. There are right ways and wrong ways for you to deal with your husbands drinking and without knowledge you are likely to choose the wrong ways, despite your good intentions. If things are handled in the way that has worked for other people who faced similar difficulties, there just may be a chance that your husband will get serious about sobriety.
You have some important decisions to make and you should think carefully about what is best for yourself and for your children.
Yikes, it sounds like you have let "these people" become your whole life. Now the burning question is, why IS that,and are you willing to explore the possibility that you can have a life of your own in spite of them?
It will only get worse, much worse. You are going to stay with him until you bury him? Sadly, you may have to endure 20-40 more years of this hell, which, like I said, will grow increasingly horrible. You hope may be that he is going to get sober? Statistically speaking-the odds are really against him.
I see he is your boyfriend. Do you want kids with this person? You can be relatively sure that you will have to share your hell with your future family. I would say, if you stay with him, do not have kids until he is a few years into sobriety. You may not have kids though if that is the case. Not many of us stay sober long term.
Or, you can save yourself.
RUN!
Since you know this "demon" so well, it begs the question, what benefits are you getting out of being the caretaker for so many others?
Is this your comfort zone?
If you can answer those questions honestly, you may be on to something. If not, if you are really tired of living this way, the rooms of Al-Anon will help you find a life.
When you said " this life was chosen for me", due to growing up in an alcoholic home, it reminded me of when I would say "I was brought up in an alcoholic home, groomed to be an alcoholic, it's my destiny to die drunk". That wasn't the case for me. It was just me playing the victim in my own life in order to justify drinking. I hope you find your way.
As I see it your husband will not stop drinking for one of two reasons. He may not want to stop because he does not see that he has a problem or he may realize that his drinking is indeed out of control but he may not know how to fix it.
Is he going to AA to please you or is he going because he wants to get sober? Unless he is serious about sobriety all of the meetings in the world wont make much of a difference. Assuming that he does want to get sober, he will probably need more than meetings. He can listen to peoples drinking stories every night of the week but that wont bring him recovery from alcoholism. For recovery he will probably need a sponsor and Steps. Believe it or not this is not always made clear in the AA of the modern era, where mention of Steps is often avoided at meetings. That leaves people struggling with an obsession to drink that will eventually overcome their desire and promises to stay sober.
An obsession is an idea that is so strong that it will overcome all other ideas. Therefore, regardless of whether he can see that it is killing him, regardless of his love for you and regardless of how good a life he could have if he was sober, the chances are that a time will always come when he will drink again because the obsession will overcome his willpower. He will then do something that can only be described as a form of insanity. Despite all of the trouble that drinking has brought him in the past he will have no defence against the thinking that precedes that first drink and he will drink again.
There are plenty of people like your father who just stopped drinking on willpower alone they decided that they had enough and that was it. However, it is important for you to understand that most alcoholics cannot get sober in that way. For many people such as your husband willpower is no longer a defence against the first drink. That is why so many genuine and sincere promises are broken by alcoholics soon after they have been made. For such people to recover, they must find some means of overcoming that insane thinking that precedes the first drink. If they can do this, the obsession for alcohol will be removed and they will have no desire to drink again.
There is a fallacy among many in AA that these drinkers, whom we shall call alcoholics of the hopeless variety for the want of a better term, can overcome their problem by going to several meetings every week. The truth is that meetings are not much more than a support mechanism and these hopeless alcoholics need something else. They require a change in the way of thinking or a personality change that is sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism. This change may be described as a complete readjustment and change in attitudes, values, opinions and outlooks and it comes about with the help of some sort of spiritual power.
There may well be various methods by which a hopeless alcoholic can tap into this spiritual power and any way that works for the individual is the right way for him or her. The most common method and one that has been proven to work is the Twelve Step Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. However, the basic requirement or starting point for someone who seeks recovery through the Steps is the ability to be honest with oneself. At the present time it would seem that, for whatever reason, your husband does not possess the required level of self-honesty and that is probably where his problem lies.
Nemo has made some interesting points about how you may be drawn to people with addiction tendencies. At first I thought that he was going off on some sort of unhelpful tangent but as he has elaborated a bit more on the subject I can see a good deal of merit in his argument. This is where you need to be careful because although you may genuinely believe that you are doing the right things, you may in fact be unwillingly contributing to the problem by enabling your husbands drinking. Alcoholism turns people into cunning individuals and alcoholics will seek out any weak points that will allow them to justify their drinking. That is one of the reasons that Al-Anon would be a good option for you. This is in no way implying that you are in any way to blame for your husbands drinking, but by not knowing the best things to do, you could be enabling him. Regardless of anything else, Al-Anon will be a big help to you in looking after yourself.
Your husband can recover from alcoholism and not drink again, if that is what he wants and if he knows where to look for a solution that works.