my bf was less of assxxx when he didnt drink, his mother had 8 kids, he was #7, never got babied, never had a hug - all that "arrested development" stuff

your bf....if and when he does sober up (which doesnt sound likely) he'll need therapy to deal w/his addictions and the reasons why he got addicted, and then he can start to just be ok on the inside

you have a hard/long haul ahead - i quit now, just my opinion

Thinks for the advice itsjustme. I am trying to figure out how. I feel like I have been in a blender, I don't know if I am coming or going. I depend on him financially and I am pregnant with our second child together. It did not happen over night, it has been a nine year process of him breaking me down little by little.

The only way to know is if he sobers up. He may very well have these traits when even if he is sober or that may fade. My guess is the former.

It's about the attention I was an attention hound and very selfish
I pray for you
1-2

My big question for you is, what the heck kind of man are you with if you are trying to find out if his @$$hole-ness is cause by his alcoholism or his narcissistic personality disorder? Who cares?!?!

He picks you up drunk at the hospital??? Why are you still with this loser???

Hello taurusthebull,

The statement in your second post may hold the key to understanding your situation: ..it has been a nine year process of him breaking me down little by little.

It would take someone with the necessary professional qualifications to properly analyse your relationship but this is where I see it. From your description your boyfriend appears to be a person of low self-confidence and self-esteem and he acts in ways that are designed to deal with his defecinciers. He feels a need to be in control and he has worked for nine years to make you dependent on him financially and in other ways. From the little that I know about such people, it seems that their actions become more extreme with time and violence is often used in order to impose their will. There may also be other mental health issues indicated by his inability to feel empathy for others and his failure to take responsibility. His drinking may bring these negative traits out into the open and may even make them worse but I doubt if drinking is the root cause. If your boyfriend stopped drinking tomorrow but did nothing else to address his underlying issues, my guess is that his actions would become even more extreme and you would find it very difficult to live with him.

Unless your boyfriend is willing to change his ways and seek help, which looks unlikely at this stage, he is likeky to continue with the behaviour that you have described. I would be concened that his need to control by whatever means will become stronger and that you and your children could be in danger of physical and psychological harm.

You have important decisions to make.

I agree with Impermanence -- you won't know if it is the alcoholism or not unless he sobers up.

When he picked you and your newborn up at the hospital drunk, did you let him drive?

Look, I'm a narcissistic self-centered alcoholic and I would never be drunk and 5 hours late to the hospital to pick up my wife and baby. My wife would have left me right then and there. Why are you with someone like this and who is not trying to change? Get the eff out of there and go get happy. You deserve it. You've done the work.

exjersey, he drove home but my daughter and I were not with him. I had to call someone to pick me up. It is easy to say leave someone but people stay for different reasons. My father was also with him and they were both drunk. At the time my father was really the only family that lived here at the time. My father was the one telling me that I was wrong for having my boyfriend kicked out of the hospital. But I actually did live him for a year. He was on his best behavior until he got me back. I appreciate all of the advice and you are right, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it

For the sake of your child, do it. Anything else would be irresponsible.

I am married to an alcoholic and I understand how difficult it is to deal with.

Here is a group on DS you should check out:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

There may be a service in your area to help you leave and get out on your own with your children . They will financially help you and give you community information. There are apartments in our town for about $30 per month for single women with children. They are within walking distance of stores.

Your children should be your only concern right now. Your bf is not dependable and will cause all of you hardship.

You need alot of support and al anon is a great place to get that support. You can google meetings in your area.

It does not matter what the reason is. He is extremely toxic to you and you need to away from him! You have codependant issues as well and you need help for yourself so try this group.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Codependency/support-group

God Bless!

At the risk of being insensitive it's time to look at your own issues. He's been breaking you down for 9 years yet you decided to have another child as you are currently pregnant, unless it was failure of birth control that says a lot. Focusing on your role in the relationship and what you are trying to accomplish might be better than focusing outwards on his problems.

I second Zachary and here's why I personally make note of his reply:
I have (had) a very good girlfriend who has two boys with a clinically pegged narcissist--among other things. I think he's actually a sociopath.
He's been in and out of jail literally countless times (why they keep letting him out is beyond me but Id imagine has to do with finances and prioritizing offenders) he was cheating on her WHEN SHE WAS IN LABOR. He knew she was in the hospital and he was still f****ing around. He has beat her near senseless more than once, still cheats on her left and right, apologizes seconds after blowing up on her and then abuses her right after. And after a decade of this, she is STILL on and off with him.
Myself and a mutual friend have tried till we were blue in the face to talk sense into her. The fact is, she has seriously low self-esteem, is likely self-destructive and doesn't perceive she can do better. She may also fear change because it means stepping out into the unknown, as opposed to staying the predictable Hell she is chaining herself to.
I, like everyone on here, think you should get the Hell out NOW, if not for you then especially for your children, but do take time to ask yourself some hard questions like "why have I stayed this long?!"