I don't know of anyone who doesn't have some atleast minor issues with emotional stuff. I think you can be in the range of normal though, in your emotional stability, and still drink alcoholically. But just you wait-you will eventually lose your mind and forget what it was like to be "normal" emotionally.

Heavy boozing does that to people-makes crazy people crazier, and stable people crazy.

thanks for your thoughts. I am shamed of my sometimes heavy drinking- where i dont want to see my friends because I'm a closet drinker. I dont know anyone who drinks regularly. I do know that drinking definitely makes me make bad or poor decisions- like wasting my time or eating too much food.I dont do anything dangerous or totally crazy. It is insane to think I keep drinking even though I really dont want to keep drinking. I do feel a lttle crazy after drinking. I feel so good when I am sober but do I keep doing it out of habit?- sounds so retarded or crazy! or both.

.runner- I think you answered your own question. *hugs to you* I knew I had a problem when I tried to quit and couldn't do it without help. I also knew it was really bad when it affected my health and still continued to drink. Souns like you might need some help.....but hey, don't we all?

Hello Runnergirl,

Doing something (drinking) over and over that has caused you trouble in the past or made you unhappy, but thinking that this time it will be different is the insanity of alcoholism.

Not everyone drinks to deal with the emotions but in order to recover you need to find a way to deal with emotions that does not involve alcohol. I could list very many reasons why I drank but if I strip it all down to complete honesty, I would have to admit that I drank for only one reason - I liked the effect produced by alcohol. In other words, I liked the feeling of getting buzzed. There would be nothing wrong with that if I could take a couple of drinks and stop or if I did not have to drink more each day but the reality is that I am addicted to alcohol and cannot drink normally.

An alcoholic will ask many questions hoping that the right answer will come but often, deep down the answer is already known. It is just that it is hard to accept the truth. However, once it is accepted something can be done about it. If you had told me a couple of years ago that people can have an amazing life without alcohol, I would have called you a fool and worse. Today, I know from my own experience that life does not have to revolve around drinking. Indeed, one regret that I have is that much of my life passed by in an alcoholic haze it was not so much living as just existing.

I do not know if you are an alcoholic or not as only you can decide on that. However, if you are an alcoholic, I can tell you truthfully that it is not the terrible disaster that you may think it is, but can instead lead you to great opportunities and a great peace of mind.

PJ54,
Thank you for your words of wisdom and your honesty. I really appreciate your replies.
Heres the scoop on me. I never drank ever until about 2 years ago. If i did drink I would get so sick from the alchohol that I used to say that i could never be an alchoholic. But I have this addictive personality that if I decide I like something I really dont want to stop, for example food, exercising, running,reading, really anything. One thing I am really good at is stopping something if I really am committed. Ultimately it is the habit of doing something that keeps me doing it.
I dont feel physically addicted or emotionally addicted because I felt like most of my life has been really good without alchohol.
Even the really bad times like when my dad was murdered for his watch or the saddness I feel because my sister had become a drug addict and has never been the same, I never drank or turned to any substance to escape.
So I know it must be in my genes for addiction- my brother was an alchoholic and my sister was a drug addict. I had addictions but really healthy or normal ones.
Only thing that I read i can relate to is that once I do drink I want to get really buzzed and not stop.
It may seem like I'm in denial or I am too proud to admit that I have a problem. I do know it is a problem and I dont like going through my life not really living a full life. I dont like the fact that I have withdrawn from my friends who love me. I am not the person I used to be. I read DS to motivate me and learn.
The only thing about AA is that I am so scared I would meet so many people I know- I'm a closet drinker. I would feel so embarassed.
That is why doing it online seems easier for me.
I would appreciate any advise you have for me to get started.

To me, you sound like you're doing a great job being honest about how your drinking is affecting your life. It can be hard to face up to the idea of being an alcoholic when terrible things haven't yet happened as a result of your drinking...key word there is yet. I quit before anything 'disastrous' had happened to me, but the signs were there. I had always been a very social person, but had started to avoid the very things I liked to do to stay home and drink my wine. It was like a circle closing in on me...my life was becoming more and more about drinking by myself and less about anything else.

I have to say, in retrospect, and I can only say it with hindsight, what a gift it would have been to show up to one of my first AA meetings and run into an old friend going through the same thing. I recently learned that my brother has been in and out of AA for several years - he told me only after he heard that I was...had never told a soul before that. He's unfortunately back drinking, but is very proud of me for stopping and I pray that he'll find his way back to AA. I hope that I can be a powerful example to encourage him to do just that. I am so happy that we can talk about it now though.

I think you'd be pleasantly surprised with an AA meeting - I know I was. If you can't get yourself there just yet, do seek out other support - I saw an addiction counselor for a couple of months while I worked through the very issues you're dealing with now... I needed to feel good and sure of what I was up against before I could bring myself to go...am so glad I did though.

Hello Runnergirl,

Whether you are addicted to alcohol or not it looks like there are some issues that are holding you back or making your life less whole than it could be. The various addictions, possibly including alcoholism, are just a symptom of other things that are not quite right. Withdrawing from your friends and the change in your personality are further indications.

You may or may not be addicted to alcohol right now but even if you are not, there are reasons to be concerned. Not just from what I have heard and read over the last couple of years but also from my own experience I know that if you continue to drink that the problem is likely to get worse with time and that eventual addiction is a real probability. As far as drinking is concerned, you have three options: Try to moderate your drinking and to cut down drastically on the amount and frequency of drinking. Normal drinkers will have no problem in doing this. If you find that you cannot do it successfully, are making excuses to justify not doing it, or can do it but it makes you feel irritated and easily annoyed, then you are probably addicted to alcohol. The second option is to stop drinking completely as it is causing you concern. Again, if you cannot stop or have to justify the drinking to yourself, you need to think about taking action. Your third option is to continue drinking as you are now. If you choose to continue, what usually happens is that the amount gradually increases and the drinking becomes more frequent. You develop a tolerance to alcohol and as a result it takes more and more to give you the same buzz.

As we grow older, the body does not have the same capacity to process alcohol and the physical craving for more develops easier; you will want to continue once you have one or two drinks. Generally, because of physical differences women cannot tolerate alcohol to the same level as men, and consequently they do themselves more harm in a shorter time. Therefore, if you continue to drink as you are there is a good chance that you will eventually become addicted to alcohol, if that has not already happened. You will also cause serious damage to many body organs, although some of these can recover to some extent if you stop drinking.

That is an analysis of the problem and the likely outcome if you follow the various options. However, as I have already stated, the drinking is likely to be only a symptom of a deeper unbalance in your life. Fortunately, the solution that is offered by AA is not one that tries to cure the drinking problem as there is no known cure for alcoholism. Instead, the programme of recovery is focused on learning to deal with living. Take a careful look at the 12 Step programme and look out for the word alcohol; you will see it mentioned only in Step 1 and the reason for that is that the rest of the steps are addressing the living problem. Indeed, the AA 12 Step programme has been adapted to their own needs by over 200 different groups worldwide that have nothing to do with alcoholism. The basics are the same after Step 1 and it can be applied to many situations.

Although I was not the brightest at school, I was interested in education and learned many things. Later on I became equally interested in Pub Quizzes (you can guess why) and I learned a lot more. I could tell you the capital city of just about any country in the world, among other useless things. However, not once did I get the opportunity to learn about how to interact with other people and with the world around me and that led to plenty of misery and heartache. When I had to accept that I am an alcoholic, I thought that it was one of the worst things that could have happened. Shame, embarrassment, emotion, nervousness, self-pity, guilt, fear...these are just a few of the reactions. Today, I do not feel any of those things and it is down to that 12 Step programme that I would never even have heard about if I was not an alcoholic.

However, before I learned anything about Steps, I was faced with a major obstacle. I knew several local alcoholics and did not want to see them or let them see me at AA meetings. Desperation drove me on and the solution was to travel to a town that is an hours drive away for there I could sneak in and out without being seen. When youre down nothing goes right and as luck would have it, at the third meeting I met a man that I used to drink with in my local bar. I was no happier to see him than he was to see me for he was new to the meetings as well, but I kept going to the meetings. Five months later I went to the meeting that takes place two miles from where I live and I go there every week now. I did not meet the people I had expected to meet at that home meeting but I did meet some I did not expect to see. The thing is that they were all there for the same reason and I was no different to anyone else. Nobody talks outside about who they saw or what they heard at AA meetings.

Do not feel shame or embarrassment about going to AA meetings. You will not be judged but instead will get a great welcome. You will be amazed by how much people want to support and help you. If you stay around, you will also form a bond and a friendship with those people that is hard to break. After a while, you can take a look at that 12 Step programme that offers you the chance to change your life forever. If I was in your shoes I would go for it, whether I was addicted to alcohol or not. It is a bit like being severely short-sighted and getting a powerful pair of spectacles a whole new world will open up to you.

It is funny that you talk about glasses and seeing the world- thats right up my alley.

thanks for your advise. I have learned a lot about what I want to do. i will definitely curtail the amount and frequency of drinking and start there for now. Eventually I would probably like to not drink at all because i like how that feels too. I guess I feel alchohol does not enhance my life.

Also I dont think my other addictions are at all a problems. I dont have issues with food, other than I really like to eat but dont have any weight issue or am a food addict. Also I love to run and cant imagine my life without it. I look forward to running everyday but none of these things are interfering with my life. I am super healthy other than this recent love with alchohol.
I have a tendency to have a addictive personality.

I do feel that I may be going down that path of having bad dependence on alchohol and I definitely dont want to live feeling I need to drink. I may or may not be an alchoholic but whatever it is i am going to work through this problem so it is not a problem.

I will let you know how this step goes.