What a lovely post Tara. The ways that you are helping, baby sitting, talking, saying you are there for her....are absolutely invaluable and if I was her......that would be EXACTLY what I'd appreciate. You may be feeling uncomfortable, and feel like you arent coping, but from where I sit, it sure sounds like you are doing all the right things. You are acting with grace.

When I was drinking I was very centred on myself and I didnt think a whole lot about how other people were feeling or coping with things in their lives. I also didnt experience the full range of feelings for myself because of how alcohol interfered with them.

When I got sober a whole new world of feelings opened up to me. First experiencing them for myself and then starting to understand that other people have feelings too.

Its been a big journey for me learning to deal with my own feelings, learning about how other people deal with things, starting to have empathy, starting to be able to be of help when other people need it. Lots and lots to learn and even though I have been sober for several years am still learning.

Really enjoyed your post as it shows me part of the process of us becoming spiritual people as our world widens to include all aspects of other peoples experiences as well as our own. I think that having a reaction to other people's suffering may well develop into empathy and you will learn what it means to be there for people as you learn what you need to help you deal with things in the absence of alcohol.

Thanks for posting :)

Just being there for her means more than you will ever know. You don't have to come up with the perfect advice for her; in many cases, you don't even have to say anything at all. Just be there and help out where you can. And listen

while you think you may not be able to cope its obvious how much you care. It IS a comfort to people when someone says "I care" and brings them a favorite treat.

When I ponder my own demise I often think of the old "Blood Sweat and Tears".....and when I die, and when I'm gone, there'll be one child born in this world to carry on..........

Its poetic that your sister in law is carrying a child to carry on. Sad for the grandmom who won't live to see the child but who knows... she may watch from the nearest star.

I am interested in what you write about 'I think to myself, she should drink'???

That aside...

I too think it is about the empathy you have for trying to walk in her shoes and be real and genuine to how she is feeling. It is not your own experience from what I read so......that could be why you feel uncomfortable.

I agree that sometimes all people want us to do is to listen; we don't need to provide solutions or fix.

Go easy on yourself and just keep being there as you are doing....how different this situation would have been a year ago in your early sobriety.

Great to see you grow before our screens :)

I saw the name of the post and knew it was you :P

You know what-I have the same idea when it comes to dating. When someone is first getting to know another I feel so much awkwardness for them-my empathetic mind thinks "sheez they would be better off having a drink to relax"

We have learned over the years that this is the way to deal with feelings-bad, good, whatever. To even things out-you drink. So of course this is your gut reaction. I think too this trigger comes from some unconcious stuff going on regarding your own past-and triggering these uncomfortable feelings in you.

This stuff ain't easy.

I always found it odd when someone dies, some members of the family seem to make it all about "them." I understand the loss is tough, but life happens, and death is part of that.

Losing a young child would be tough, but there is a plan for all of us, not matter how short or long your life is.

I dunno, might just be talking out my ass. Just forget it, not sure really how to explain it, other than alkies can use it as a reason to drink.

gorsh I am sorry your not feeling good about this death and how she is able to hold it together without booze....just saying to her anything that is not an offense is all that most alcoholics would count as a good thing...because we tend to have foot in mouth disease too...I know because I have a bad case of athletes mouth...LOL :0)

hugs girl...let the things you do touch the heart of those in grief....hugs bill

A few things...

Primarily I was observing my own reaction to another person's pain. Kind of like "How alcoholic of me to want someone else to drink to ease their pain". I actually talked about this in a mtg last week... that the only way I was ever there for a friend in the past was booze in hand. It was not just MY coping mech, it was my assumption it was THE coping mech. I was pretty ignorant.

Now I am learning or trying to learn and I think I am doing okay with it. I really think I have been a pretty good support to my sis in law and her fam.

I think the "it is a trigger for me" stems from my own confusion about how to process emotion, my own and other peoples. I just talked to a friend about this, but I think it isn't always the emotion that makes me want to drink but the confusion about it.

I DO very much feel empathy, always have. Other peoples' pain bothers me more than my own pain. I hate watching others suffer and feeling powerless to help them. That is something that has always gotten to me. I would always rather take the pain myself than have someone else experience. In fact, while I know I did ultimately get sober for myself, one of the final straws was that I kept hurting other people and I could not stand to keep doing that. When I didn't care enough to live, I didn't want to die because I didn't want others to hurt.

But I digress...

It was really a pretty simple and curious observation on my part. Nothing too deep here. The funeral was today and I was a help and a support - hugged everyone even.

Ramblin, not sure if you were suggesting that I was making this about me, but yes, in a way. I am not trying to say that I am the one hurting - just saying I have a role to play and having trouble understanding it and carrying it out. Just posting this alcoholics view on another persons loss.

And yes, KK. Ok this did stir up some thinking on my part. All is good though. I learned some stuff.

Where you mentioned you thought of her drinking, when I read that it reminded me of wanting others to drink when they were in pain so I could join them. That was one of many normal reactions to getting another drink. Don't know if you can relate to that, it's just what I thought of when I read that sentence. Could be transference if there's something you relate to in her Mothers death. Interesting to explore the different emotions going on.

Tara, could be you're becoming more aware of how you process some feelings to how you use to. It's been an emotional ride sometimes dealing with hurts and pains and I've noticed over the years with my own experiences that I can cope with where my emotions take me now and am accepting of them without having to stifle them. I'm sorry for the family's loss Tara.

Sometimes all you can do is be there. It's extremely uncomfortable but valuable and appreciated beyond words