Why, planned the binge of course. :) When you're in that frame of mind, what else can you besides obsess over it? If you're gonna do, you know damn well you're gonna do it right? At least I did.....

I also told myself all that crap about how it'll be "just for tonight" and I'll be "better tomorrow" and "no one will know" or "this time will be different" or "poor me....life's just too hard...I don't care anymore"

That kind of shit. .... :)

It's what I didn't do, not what I did do. I stopped going to meetings for at least a couple of years. Can't really remember how long to be honest with you.

I was skating along just fine, really enjoying life, and boom... one day the thought crossed my mind. And I took a drink instead of thinking it through. Had plenty of people I could have called, but didn't. And it didn't get bad right away. But the progression was right there and within a few years time I was a mess, worse than I ever was.

I'm curious to hear other people's responses to this. Good post, Anna.

~Chris

I almost relapsed yesterday. Instead I put it off and followed through with my IOP meeting. I learned all about the physical DISEASE of alcoholism. For whatever reason, that brought me relief. Then I went home and prayed the prayer I never wanted to pray before drinking, that God would remove the obsession. I thought about how I said after my previous relapse that I would do anything to get those 50 days back. I remembered that a friend told me I said I wanted to die the last time I was drunk. I went to bed around 1 am sober.

Before my last actual relapse, I refused to pray, refused to call anyone, and fantasized about what I would drink, how fucked up I would get, how long I could drink before I had to stop, and how many days of work I could miss before going back.

That shows willingness Anna-very cool. :)

Yep, I always planned how many days of work I could miss too. I think that you start using the resources in play and call out for help when you really REALLY deep down are serious about getting sober.

Good going, girl. I for one am glad you didn't. :-)

Cool move, Anna!! Sometimes these are the things that we have to go through to get us to a place of recovery. It seems that you are well on your way.

It was a Sunday afternoon and I had not had a drink for around 6months.

I arrived home from a session with my therapist and then an AA meeting. I sat on sofa with something to eat looking through what was on TV that day.

From nowhere (I dont really remember the first thought) I suddenly though that it would be so much more relaxing to spend the rest of the day watching TV with a few beers. I got up, went to the shop and bought some without thinking of the consequences at all.

I have had other relapses where I have thought more of the consequences but my rational thoughts about the bad consequences of drinking were over ridden by insane thoughts that this time will be different, or I dont care if its different or not I just cant stand being sober anymore.

But that last one was deifnitely the most frightening because there really wasnt any consideration at all.

It was the final convincer for me that i was never going to beat this by my own determination, thinking processes etc. I was going to have to rely on something else.

I got to the point of, AFTER thinking through the consequences of possibly losing my job and NOT making it back at all, saying "Fuck it, I don't give a shit." I always aimed for self destruction anyway. THEN I remembered how UNfun and UNsatisfactory it ended up being the last time. It wasn't worth it.

I would not focus so much on relapsing as i would stay focused on sobriety but to answer your question -----

About 5 1/2 years ago going thru the alcohol and education classes i learned of the term "dry drunk" and I really got POED! I was like you mean to tell me i've haven't been drinking for 10 freaking years and it's resolved nothing?????? I listened in class, very carefully the next couple of weeks, i worked the worksheets, i was also in anger management classes at the time - one day after anger management classes, I stopped on the way home and bought a single schlitz malt liquor - i figured i wanted a cheap get fast drunk and since i hadn't drank in 10 years I figured I would do that and just buy more if that didn't work- so I sat in my car, opened it and enjoyed the aroma - rethinking how bad i would feel, how disappointed i would be in myself, how my ex would be able to say " i told you so" how my daughter would REMEMBER this when she was too young to remember the times before, how my mom had died, all the stupid stuff i did when drinking, that i had come this far why stop now. i sat in the parking lot, opened the car door, poured the entire can out, walked to the trash and placed the empty can in the trash. That Monday night was another class and after I class i told the teacher what I had done and she just smiled and said but you didn't drink, now you can get to work- she also was fully aware of the extreme marital problems I was having andthat I had started attending those classes to make sure that my now exh went as terms of his parole - and i asked her if I could continue these classes on my own. She said of course you can and I started going 2x a week. Then I said, can I do an evaluation - and she said, there wil be a fee for that, and I said no problem and that evaluation opened a whole new door for me - we talked for problem an hour - she said you knew this all along and i said, i guess I just didn't want to admit any of it - i attended those classes and anger management classes for 9 months, I tried ala-non and other marital counseling, co-dependent counseling, spiritual counseling but none of my counseling seemed to be that effective until I finalized my divorce (it was a bad situation) -

that almost last drunk - changed my life - it took me about another year of continued classes and counseling before i finally felt the way I do now - HAPPY - for the first time since i was a child. It took a little longer dealing with the issues of forgivenes, so that's where intense spiritual counseling came into play -

i know it's always possible to pick up that next drink, i know how tricky the addictive brain can be - but i've been in test after test after test and i have not taken that drink. I think more about drinking when I am happy not when i am stressed or mad but I won't even let those thoughts trick me.

Aaaah the almost last drunk - i remember it well.

Peace!!

Before my last near relapse:-

I had a f**k it moment, the pain of being sober was terrible and I went out and bought alcohol. I put it in the middle of my floor and sat staring at it for ages. I don't really know what was going through my mind but after a while I had an overwhelming sense that I didnt want this to be my life any more, that I didnt want to drink anymore but that I knew I was going to because the alcohol was there and I had never been able to turn away from it before.

That acceptance that on my own devices there would be no outcome except to drink somehow lifted something from me and I made an acknowledgment that I would give my life to another way. I didnt know at the time but I believe now that I was turning my will and life over to a HP at that moment.

I then did things I had never done before. Put the alcohol out of sight and called my sponsor to tell her I was in trouble. (every time before I had drunk before making the phone call, never a phone call first). My sponsor came round an hour or so later and we agreed I would pour the alcohol away. I stood in the kitchen and cried and cried while I did it. I think I was accepting that my relationship with alcohol was over.

I have never had the obsession to drink since that day.

Thanks for sharing, Cathy :). Great post.

Awesome, Nicky!