So about 3 years ago I turned from a problem binge drinker to a full blown drink every single night alcoholic.  The potential was always there considering my Irish background and a family history of alcoholism, depression, and suicide.    I have tried so many times to stop. I have gone to detox 2x, home detoxed, and tried anabuse (I eventually drank on it), and Naltrexone.   I went through detox 4 months ago at the VA hospital and kept up my sobriety for 47 days by going to AA meetings and fearing Antabuse.  Then on my 47th day a fellow AA member bragged to me about how she was able to drink on Antabuse by "over drinking it" and how my belief in its abilities to keep me sober were only phsychological.     I drank the very next night and have been in a downward spiral ever since.  After I relapsed, had a night of calling my Wife horrible names, I admitted to relapese and immedietely made an appointment with my Pschyc Dr. to try a new approach.  We tried the Naltrexone shot.  Although I did lower my consumption early on with the shot (I litterlly could not get high on alcohol so I would just pass out from fatigue),  the medicine began to wane and I was drinking EVEN MORE than when I had started the treatment.     My Wife, though I think subconsioucly aware of what is going on, has turned a blind eye as long as I dont evil txt her at 2am or am mean to the kids.

So here I am now, scared.   Why? Well I cant catch my breath.  Literally I feel winded 24 hours a day. I also have numb hands and arms. All of this is excasberated by a constant tiredness.   The scariest though is lately, when I try to nap, I wake up out of breath so bad I feel like im going to pass out. I jump up out of bed and walk around breathing in a panic to catch my breath.  Today I tried to nap an hour before work.  My Wife got done with work at 11am and I knew I could go in around 1 or 2.  I decided to nap.  I layed in bed and every time id drigt towards sleep id stop breathing and jerk fully awake out of breath and in a panic.   No position offered comfort to my numb hands and arms.   I finally went to work scared as all hell.   

Im afriad to go to sleep.  I dont know how, if I cant breath comfortably for an afternoon nap, how am I making it through the night breathing with a quart or more of vodka in my system.  I horribly overweith 5'10 274, and have been diagnosed with sleep apnea in the past (I dont use a cpap).     

Its not just when laying down, i periodically feel like I forgot to breath for a long time and feel out of breath. Sometimes this leads to anxiety as im worried I cant catch my breath up at least for the first 3o seconds or so.

Im drinking about 2 quarts of hard alcohol a night if you add up everything I drink.

I am worried im not going to wake up one of these nights. Frankly based upon my attempts at napping (and cant breath so I give up), I wonder how ive made it this far.

I know I should have a CPAP and be treated for my sleep apnea. I asked the VA to give me one but they said i had to go through the evealuation process first which can take almost a year (forget the fact 15 years ago I already had beeen diagnosed by them as having Sleep Apnea).   

Maybe my difficulty breathing is due to an enlarged liver paired with my obesity, I heard that can happen.   

What really scares me is my friend told me about a 40 year old guy he graduated with who just died of alcoholism.  Appartently he drank till his heart was damaged and he couldnt get on the transplant list because of his alcoholism.   He died of alcohol related heart failure.    I have had a lot of compliments from DR's over the years about how strong my heart sounds and about its natural rythym.   Yet when I look online almost all of my symptoms line up with a damaged heart.  

So for long message.  Im just tired, half in the bag, and afraid to go to sleep for fear I wont wake up.