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I've given up on AA

brokenlady47
brokenlady47

After much faffing about going to meetings then not going then going again I've given up AA. I started developing inappropriate feelings of a sexual nature to a guy I met there. This from the woman previously paranoid that guys were going to not on me!!! And yes it did happen but now I wonder if it was the vibes I was giving off myself unconsciously? I don't know I ain't a shrink but I found myself fancying this guy I met in the rooms and when I realised I had felt this way before many years ago in rehab about another guy and the trouble it caused for me him and my long suffering partner, I backed right off and apologised to the guy because I had started becoming over friendly and flirty with him. In fact that was the reason I went to my last AA meeting 9 days ago half cut because I had get there to say sorry to him to his face but I couldn't do it sober because I was so ashamed. I've kept away from meetings since as I don't want to run into him and for there to be any awkwardness. And I don't want to go back and possibly do the same thing with another guy. I don't trust myself around men right now especially the ones in AA who remind me of former abusers. I reckon in a convoluted way I start fancying them because they scare me in some deep unconscious way. Its a survival mechanism that has its roots in me being sexually abused in my family growing up. Its kinda like I feel I have to appease them so they will like me and not hurt me. Well whatever the root of it since I'm scared of most men there is a good chance it will happen again so I'm taking myself out of risky situations for now. There are no women only AA groups near me either. But that's not my only issue with AA. There's plenty more which I won't elaborate on right now but suffice to say when I compared my pro list to my con list the con list for AA was longer. I'm sure it helps a lot of people but it really isn't for me. I'm going down the SMART recovery route now and see if that will help. Because I'm wise enough to know I can't lick this in isolation. And they do women only SMART groups where I'm going this week. The local drug and alcohol clinic. Yeh I've been putting it off for a couple of weeks now but now I have to take the plunge. Will let you all know what happens when I finally get there. Lol.


Best


Manda XXX

1is2many
1is2many
Let us know how things are going. I think you are making progress and at least recognizing that its in the way you set it up to be. Lifes messy and the best thing is to learn to keep your side of the street clean. Its impossible to manage the other side and so I had to quit trying. I can only fix my side.
1-2
stickywick
stickywick
Good luck. Let us know how the SMART meetings and sobriety goes for you.
I'd focus on you -- and try not to get involved in anything that makes life more complicated. I am full of self sabatoge -- mine doesnt involve men but its one of the things I've had to turn over and over and over -- and over again -- in my sobriety so far.
Kerela
Kerela
Good luck with your SMART group, do what is right for you.
Impermanence
Impermanence
I gave up AA. I tried SMART and Life Ring. In my case face to face group therapy was not for me. I do it on my own, with great success. Just find the correct fit, for you, and you will do well.
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
Best of luck on your continued path to sobriety, regardless on which map you use.

FWIW, I fancied a guy in my AA group. I was several months out of a very abusive relationship with a narcissist. This guy had about 10yrs sober to my 3 months. We broke every AA rule regarding dating - don't date in early sobriety, don't date in the program, yada, yada, yada.

We have been happily married (and continually sober) for 15 years now.
jeffneedshelp
jeffneedshelp
Best of luck. Regardless of the program you work, always be determined to beat the disease.
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
Good luck! I hope it all works out for you!
brokenlady47
brokenlady47
Cora I was already in an abusive relationship with a narc myself when I met the other guy in rehab. The guy in rehab got me pregnant and wanted me to keep the baby and leave my abusive partner to be with him. Instead I dumped the rehab guy and had an abortion and stayed with my abuser. I am still with my abuser. The guy I was attracted to recently was a lovely kind respectful man who had been through similar abuse to me as a kid himself and we had a lot in common. But he was married so it really was inappropriate for me to be flirting with him. I'm glad you and your hubs have lasted the distance. I have just spent nearly half my life with a man who only wanted to abuse me and my kids for his sick ends. And he has been deceiving me about it all these years. I was in this same spot a month ago but my abuser managed to convince me I was delusional because of alcohol induced psychosis and he hasn't hurt me or my kids in reality. I fell for his lies again but now on remembering more stuff from my own past I can see he is just like my former childhood abuser my mum. I am horrified to realise that I have been consorting with a paedophiles for decades. And it really is true. My daughter is adamant it is and she is almost 20. Her and her brother were taken into care years ago because of this monster parading as a human being but I stayed put like the fool I am. Now I see the AA guy would have been an out for me had he reciprocated my feelings but he knew what was going on before I did. I just need to get my abuser out of my life then that's it for me I will be sworn off all relationships until I can trust I won't pick another abuser to get embroiled with. And thanks Jeff and Bob too. You're really great people. Bless ya xoxo
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