Alcoholism Support Group
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Posted originally in breakups and divorce, need help, advice, can't even describe the despair, loneliness and isolation I am feeling, and I recognize it's my own doing, just surprised at the speed and lack of support and the complete disappearance from my life of my wife. Kind of lengthy, I'm sorry:
My wife of 1 year, best friend, soul mate, running buddy, among other things, left me on December 1st, the same date as my sobriety date. I have not spoken to, texted, emailed or smoke signaled with her since.
We have been together for 6 years, I have struggled with alcohol since I met her, yet, somehow she managed to fall in love with me. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I take full responsibility for my disease. I had reached out to her on many occasions pleading for help, to the point where I was going to voluntarily check into treatment about a week before she left, but, she told me I did not have to go because she didn't want me to pretend my way through it, and that she loved me and supported me no matter what and would never leave me and loved me no matter what.
But, I had a bad Thanksgiving weekend, really bad. I have never laid a harmful finger on her, and we talked all of the time about what a great relationship we had, how we were inseparable, and could never imagine life without each other. Friends, family, acquaintances would constantly tell me how much she loves me. She would tell them that I am her soul mate, and while I was in detox treatment, she told them she loves me, and wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing.
She has since moved in with her best friend, who is very recently divorced, which isn't helping things at all.
We have friends in common, and none of them seem to think that this is consistent with her and are just as confused as I am. She has more or less cut off communication with everybody, with a few minor exceptions, and I am not allowed to contact her due to a no contact order. However, these minor exceptions do have some minimal contact with her.
I have been sober for 12 weeks now, and I am doing it for me, I understand the need to be healthy in all respects and have been working very hard at repairing myself and my relationships. It's the one that I value the most by far over all others that I can't seem to mend or even attempt to mend. I believe in my heart of hearts that she loves me, but, I also believe that she has a lot of people talking to her, people who have no interest in us being together pulling her in the opposite direction.
I know all about blame shifting, and that is not my intent. I understand and take full responsibility for my drinking. However, I have never hidden this from her, and to be frank, she was my biggest enabler, going to bars and drinking with me whenever the opportunity presented itself. She knew I was an alcoholic when she married me, and she told me hundreds of times that she knew that I would get a handle on it someday and only expressed concern over my health and some fear that I might accidentally have something bad happen to me. But, she never really expressed concern over our relationship, because it was so strong. We never fought, communicated will, were compatible in every way. I'm sure it's said in the discussion groups all of the time, but, she couldn't have possibly been Meryl Streep, this couldn't have been an act. Everybody who knew or saw us has expressed shock and even jealousy over the relationship we had.
I've been flamed pretty hard in other forums because of my alcoholism. But, I am human, I have issues that I have dealt with. And recovery is about more than just sobriety, I have worked very hard to understand the reasons why I drank, and to become a better person every day, progress, not perfection as we say. I want to believe that I can be redeemed, there was much shame and guilt that beat the you know what out of me over the years.
But, I miss the hell out of her. Her last words to me were that she loved me to death and would do anything for me, it's just the drinking. Now that I am sober, I feel completely isolated. Being at home makes me claustrophobic, lonely, panicky, and sad. I'm certain this hasn't been easy for her either. We have 2 kids each from previous marriages, and it's been a big loss for them as well. We did everything together. If we were pulling weeds, we enjoyed each other's company. Had wonderful quiet times together, I have so many mental pictures and memories of the times we were together and the feeling of security in knowing that she loved me unconditionally.
I don't know what I am asking. We do have a couple of mutual friends who are in contact with both of us, but, they do not break confidence, although I know they would want to see us together. I have yet to reach out to them to ask them to intervene, to see if she would at least be willing to talk to me in an attempt to reconcile, at least start with a friendship, and explore the possibilities now that I am sober. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. The thought that our love was so strong, that it was so simple, that things will never be the same for either of us, that we were seemingly irreplaceable to each other.
Antidepressants don't help much at all. Therapy doesn't help that much. I only want my family back, anything less just feels unacceptable to me. I am human, I made mistakes. Does this now mean that I am a blight on humanity and can't be loved again?
For our mutual friends, I would think they would have reached out to me if there was some sign that she wanted to talk, and that hasn't happened. But, they have also expressed confusion that she wouldn't at least attempt to reconcile. We have not been counseled, or anything, nothing, almost like she died.
What can I do? I don't want anybody but her. I love her for everything, especially the flaws she doesn't like in herself, and I can't believe the last 6 years were an act. But, everyday that goes by, the hurt just hurts more. I need forgiveness, I need to let this flood of love for her out on her, but, can't. Do I reach out to our friends? The fact that they haven't let on makes me believe that she doesn't want to reconcile. then again, I haven't explicitly asked them to do so. And what of the depression, isolation, anxiety? I'm begging for help, insight, I just can't believe she can turn her love off like it was a light switch...
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the lengthy message, I need to vent as well...
My wife of 1 year, best friend, soul mate, running buddy, among other things, left me on December 1st, the same date as my sobriety date. I have not spoken to, texted, emailed or smoke signaled with her since.
We have been together for 6 years, I have struggled with alcohol since I met her, yet, somehow she managed to fall in love with me. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I take full responsibility for my disease. I had reached out to her on many occasions pleading for help, to the point where I was going to voluntarily check into treatment about a week before she left, but, she told me I did not have to go because she didn't want me to pretend my way through it, and that she loved me and supported me no matter what and would never leave me and loved me no matter what.
But, I had a bad Thanksgiving weekend, really bad. I have never laid a harmful finger on her, and we talked all of the time about what a great relationship we had, how we were inseparable, and could never imagine life without each other. Friends, family, acquaintances would constantly tell me how much she loves me. She would tell them that I am her soul mate, and while I was in detox treatment, she told them she loves me, and wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing.
She has since moved in with her best friend, who is very recently divorced, which isn't helping things at all.
We have friends in common, and none of them seem to think that this is consistent with her and are just as confused as I am. She has more or less cut off communication with everybody, with a few minor exceptions, and I am not allowed to contact her due to a no contact order. However, these minor exceptions do have some minimal contact with her.
I have been sober for 12 weeks now, and I am doing it for me, I understand the need to be healthy in all respects and have been working very hard at repairing myself and my relationships. It's the one that I value the most by far over all others that I can't seem to mend or even attempt to mend. I believe in my heart of hearts that she loves me, but, I also believe that she has a lot of people talking to her, people who have no interest in us being together pulling her in the opposite direction.
I know all about blame shifting, and that is not my intent. I understand and take full responsibility for my drinking. However, I have never hidden this from her, and to be frank, she was my biggest enabler, going to bars and drinking with me whenever the opportunity presented itself. She knew I was an alcoholic when she married me, and she told me hundreds of times that she knew that I would get a handle on it someday and only expressed concern over my health and some fear that I might accidentally have something bad happen to me. But, she never really expressed concern over our relationship, because it was so strong. We never fought, communicated will, were compatible in every way. I'm sure it's said in the discussion groups all of the time, but, she couldn't have possibly been Meryl Streep, this couldn't have been an act. Everybody who knew or saw us has expressed shock and even jealousy over the relationship we had.
I've been flamed pretty hard in other forums because of my alcoholism. But, I am human, I have issues that I have dealt with. And recovery is about more than just sobriety, I have worked very hard to understand the reasons why I drank, and to become a better person every day, progress, not perfection as we say. I want to believe that I can be redeemed, there was much shame and guilt that beat the you know what out of me over the years.
But, I miss the hell out of her. Her last words to me were that she loved me to death and would do anything for me, it's just the drinking. Now that I am sober, I feel completely isolated. Being at home makes me claustrophobic, lonely, panicky, and sad. I'm certain this hasn't been easy for her either. We have 2 kids each from previous marriages, and it's been a big loss for them as well. We did everything together. If we were pulling weeds, we enjoyed each other's company. Had wonderful quiet times together, I have so many mental pictures and memories of the times we were together and the feeling of security in knowing that she loved me unconditionally.
I don't know what I am asking. We do have a couple of mutual friends who are in contact with both of us, but, they do not break confidence, although I know they would want to see us together. I have yet to reach out to them to ask them to intervene, to see if she would at least be willing to talk to me in an attempt to reconcile, at least start with a friendship, and explore the possibilities now that I am sober. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. The thought that our love was so strong, that it was so simple, that things will never be the same for either of us, that we were seemingly irreplaceable to each other.
Antidepressants don't help much at all. Therapy doesn't help that much. I only want my family back, anything less just feels unacceptable to me. I am human, I made mistakes. Does this now mean that I am a blight on humanity and can't be loved again?
For our mutual friends, I would think they would have reached out to me if there was some sign that she wanted to talk, and that hasn't happened. But, they have also expressed confusion that she wouldn't at least attempt to reconcile. We have not been counseled, or anything, nothing, almost like she died.
What can I do? I don't want anybody but her. I love her for everything, especially the flaws she doesn't like in herself, and I can't believe the last 6 years were an act. But, everyday that goes by, the hurt just hurts more. I need forgiveness, I need to let this flood of love for her out on her, but, can't. Do I reach out to our friends? The fact that they haven't let on makes me believe that she doesn't want to reconcile. then again, I haven't explicitly asked them to do so. And what of the depression, isolation, anxiety? I'm begging for help, insight, I just can't believe she can turn her love off like it was a light switch...
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the lengthy message, I need to vent as well...
Congratulations on 12 weeks sober, I know how tough that can be without our nearest and dearest cheering us on. When I was new to the rooms I heard someone describe alcoholism as the great remover and of course I could identify immediately.
With this illness, although all the support our loved ones could give us would be welcome, it's not necessarily a given that it is good for us - or them. It needs to be the right kind of support. Sometimes that support is better from those who are experienced in certain areas and not emotionally involved.
Have you started going through the 12 Step programme yet with a sponsor? There are many reasons why it's a good idea, as I learned, to get started and thoroughly through the work before trying to change a current status quo.
Although it has been 12 weeks and that is massive for you, non alcoholics seem not to be able to understand why we can't just leave the booze alone. So it's a drop in the ocean for them. For your wife that "ocean" is six years long.
Many non alcoholics get the feeling we only really care about ourselves in active alcoholism. Speaking from my own experience, they are right. I did not realise that when I was drinking.
They also got fed up of being manipulated for my own ideas of what was good for them (bad motives apparent, it was really for me). They didn't like their renewed hope being dashed time and time again. They didn't like my neediness, self pity, resentments and misery - it was stifling and oppressive.
In fact it was only when I lost my dependence on others that they started to appear back in my life. I had changed, I was happy, I had something to give for once, without expectation. I learned the true value of altruistic love as well as romantic love. My ego had diminished and I had some humility. I started to grow from selfishness to selflessness. The Step 9 promises in the Big Book started to come true. Here they are:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I think you will find that on page 84, depending on the edition you have.
Whether you and your wife get back together or not you can be happy and sober for your own sake if you do the work of change.
Give her the space she wants as part of your amends without any conditions on it. You have the investment of time alone in recovery now to really look within and build a better future. Just take it one day at a time for now.
My best wishes to you.
I would at least try to get a message to her that you want to make amends to her regardless of the turn out. She owes you that much.
I hope this works out in your favor....only God knows.
Antonia, I have a sponsor, I'm not sure he is right for me due to physical distance and his work schedule. We don't talk as often as we should I think and I may be looking for a new one. I understand what you say about perspective, 3 months versus 6 years. I find myself rationalizing the hair trigger nature of things by blame shifting the co-dependence and the enabling. Like that somehow made it OK or as if I deserve a second chance. But, you are absolutely correct, my wife used the term manipulate, misery, etc... Only in sobriety do I understand this. I wish that I could make her see that I understand this now.
I think I am recognizing, but not coming to terms, that I may need to become completely independent of her, even if it means divorce. I still pray that she will come back before that or even after that. Your words were spot on, I guess I am still asking the question of how to cope with the internal conversations and loneliness and is there hope? Hope is something I haven't seen much of, but, I still feel the bond and the love. I want to believe that even after 3 months, that she thinks of the good, at least some of the time...