the feeling of shame and wanting to hide is exactly how i felt following my last drunk.one of the promises of aa is that we will not wish to forget the past,nor wish to shut the door on it. this one took awhile in my case.the pormises will come true, somestimes quickly, sometimes slowly,if we work for them. i hate that i only have my aa program to offer, but at my age i can say i tried most everything else, because i didn't know how to live without a drink. if you stick around long enough, aa will teach you all you need to know

Hey Mom

Just realize that the Big Book tells us we are not mentally like other people. Your feelings are over board today. That will change. I swear. The miracle is on its way. Try to live those12 steps to the best of your ability at this point. Ask for help. Ray

I see that you are not going to meetings. You don't have to talk in meetings until you are ready to. I will make you one promise. If you go to meetings and you find a woman you can relate to and you start working the steps you will start to feel better. That guilt and shame you feel is your disease dragging you back into the insanity of alcoholism. You have a choice today, you can choose to stay sober and be open to doing what you have to do to do that or you can drink again. Best wishes.

Reading your words painfully brings back my memories of being where you are. It is so horrible to feel so helpless. It feels like your soul is shriveling from guilt and remorse. My drunks were bad ones. It didn't take much to get me stupid, mean, and blacking out. And, when we sober up, the next day, we are still under the influence of alcohol, because alcohol is a depressant and drags you into it's depths even when we aren't drunk. So, we drink to forget the shame and sadness, which is a lot like taking ex-lax for diareah. All we do is make the symptoms worse. I read the dispair in your words that I used to feel, but I also read that there is hope for you because you are unwittingly taking the first step of the 12 steps. You have found that alcohol has control of you, instead of you in control of it. You're getting there and you don't even reallize it. You sound as if you are at your bottom, and that's wonderful for an alcoholic, because the only way from the bottom is up.

Please, take it from someone who put her daughters and family through hell for years, you can do this. Get a big book and start reading. You'll be shocked to be reading about yourself. The Big Book makes you feel like you aren't a freak; there are many like us. AA meetings are great. If you don't like one, try a different one until you find your comfort zone. I did rehab but AA did it for me. The Big Book is the miracle worker. Don't give up on yourself. Don't dispair. And, don't beat yourself up with guilt. Just pick yourself up, dust off, and keep walking the path. If you fall again, do the same again. Say, "Oh well, I messed up, but that doesn't mean I'm terrible. I just fell down, skinned my knees, but I'm still a good person and I'm keeping on the path."
I know you can do this. I have faith in those words of dispair. You are there.

Thank you all so much. Tomorrow morning i am going to call and find out where and when i can go to an aa meeting.It's a scary step for me but i know its one i have to take. I realized i owe it to my children and to myself to get healthy. I know its going to be hard but i will try my best.Thank you all so much for the great advice and support, it truly is appreciated. The response i've gotten from people on ds is wonderful.It really does help.I'm so grateful for you nice, caring people!