Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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Loved1 12/27/2007

I had a sponsee who didn't tell me she was moving out of state, I was even house sitting for her as she was "visiting" relatives (she was house shopping). Anyway as a first time sponsor, I let it go when the info came out as best as I could to be understanding. I tried to encourage her to go to meetings ASAP in new home town and to get a local sponsor ASAP, that I would be there for her. 2 months and one meeting for her later, I sent an email that lovingly said I wasn't comfortable sponsoring someone who didn't want to attend meetings for recovery. I let it go. I understand AA to not be a place where we "keep tabs" on people, we are here if and when they want us. It wasn't like our relationship was as trustworthy as I thought considering the lack of honesty. A month later I got a very mean email from her discounting my help, accusing me of untrue things, saying how much she'd wanted a new sponsor but didnt' want to hurt my feelings... Anyway I stood up for myself best as I could, apologized for any hurt feelings, tried to explain the situation and that she was told from the beginning she was welcome to find someone else if she wanted, and she softened and admitted she missed our friendship and apologized. I learned not to befriend too closely a newcomer until they have some recovery (she had a year at that time). Anyway so much for that. It feels so icky to have that between us. It was so hard to have those false accusations not retracted. I wanted to help her, I believe I did, I am not perfect, I was never mean. I had to look at the issues she called me on that were true. Any feedback? This has been so hard for me to get over, going on 6 months ago.

deleted_user 12/27/2007

I am sorry about your situation with your sponseree. I have found it hard to keep an inpartial perspective if I look at a new sponsoree as a friend. Many have become friends but that comes with recovery. Sounds like you are blaming yourself for her actions. Remember we are all sick in one way or other and this behavior just shows that she is. If you were a friend with a emotionally healthy person, they would not simply move and not talk to you about it. Your right that you need to look at your behavior and reaction to this situation. Your behavior is the only one you can change.
Good luck in the future. Sponsoring is two ways. It helps others but it also helps us. Okiegirl

deleted_user 12/27/2007

It sad, but these things do not always work the way wewish, but don't let this one person stop you being of support to others.

Maybe a few ground rules next time, keeping the friendhip out for some time, if we truly want a sponsor, we do not really want a friend, or not as we know it, we want someone to help us through our recovery, friendship must come later and I feel through time it will.

Reflect on what happene and use it for te next time, we are all learning here, thats the sheer beuty of it.

I think she was pulling a few heart strings and perhaps hopuing for me than we can give, you have done your best and you have done well.

So forward and onwards says

Trickey

deleted_user 12/27/2007

Hi, I am kind of going thru the same thing but Iam the sponsee.Ive been sober for 9 months and the whole time she has been there.She gave me her 30day chip on my 1 month. I thought that was the greatest. I shared so much with her . She was very much into the program.I work alot, 2jobs and Iam in bed at 8:30 so really we got together mostly at meetings and coffie afterwards. She doesnt work and have alot of free time. But we made sure that we always talk on the phone. Now she has met a special person and spends alot of time with him. I cant get in touch with her most the time. I found another sponser but tried to call to meet and to talk about it but shes busy.I know that she doesnt want to be alone and she needs a life. We all do. But for me staying sober is my life and working the program and I need a sponser who can give me that time. I am trying to let her know that I have met a new sponser.

deleted_user 12/28/2007

alot of that kind of stuff happens in AA, people come and go.The thing that most people forget is when bill w. was trying to help people and he got frustrated cause nobody was staying sober, but he figured out he stayed sober and that is the reward. good luck to you.

gjm 12/28/2007

This reminds me, we are powerless over people, places, and things.

Be good to yourself

deleted_user 12/28/2007

The 12th Step says we tried to carry the message.Emphasize try.You did your best,that's all you can do.Maybe the next one will work out better.

deleted_user 12/28/2007

in my exp my job as a sponsor is only to take someone thru the steps if they stay the fellowship grows they also help me to grow not only when I take them thru the steps but as they sponsor others thier exp grows I then can go to them when I have to do a 10th step and when other things crop up that I may not have exp with. Now if a friendship develops out of that cool but if not I did Gods will taking them thru the steps. Remember dr Bob sponsored 5000 ppl in his 15 yrs before he died do you think he made freinds with all maybe he did maybe he didnt. In my exp I have taken many thru the steps and most dont stay but I was told I am not in the reults buisness God is I just show up and offer them the steps exactley as it is outlined.

deleted_user 12/28/2007

You may want to read the book "codependant no more". Take care. You stayed sober is the important thing.

Loved1 12/28/2007

Thanks for all the great responses. It's funny Trickey I truly felt my very first "heart string" literally between this sponsee & me, very interesting. Mike in Desert, yes I have read Codependent No More more than once and it is awaiting another much needed read by me... I also have found Al Anon very helpful for me, I still qualify for it even though I also qualify as an alcoholic. I continue to keep her in my prayers. I really appreciate the feedback.

deleted_user 12/28/2007

oh forgot probably the most important read
"working with others"

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