The past couple of weeks I suffered from some anxiety spells that I was uncertain on how to "conquer."  It was only when I admitted I didn't have the power to conquer, but God did and was doing so, that I found both sanity and relief.  

I did the steps, when I get "off" I run through the steps out loud, usually in my car or in my home, and I found I have pride "running the show."  

The twelve and twelve beautifully puts it like so, calling pride the "cheif block to TRUE progression."  This was apparent after I inventoried my life, my reactions lately, and my low energy and somewhat desire to just lay in bed and feel frustation and pain mentally.  

Thank God I was able to work with a sponsee, spend quality time with my family, a family I mend more and more with time given to them, and stemming directly from the pain of the anxiety, great opportunities to really cry out to him in distress.  

He is real and he is there always, I had to understand that my ego had grown a voice of confidence, based on the self-righteous and self-justifications I had built up in the last six months due to some financial success.  

Money had become my God, and mixed with pride, a person couldn't "tell me nothing."  

With the pain, God was telling me everything, reminding me that as loving and gentle as his guidance is, if I am making things my God over his love and understanding, I needed to understand that will create "sin" or the wrong spiritual experience on the inside, and prevent progress towards the life he wants to provide that unknowingly in the ego's advisory, I will proclaim is the best life I could have ever received.  For example, I was thinking lots of money, sex partners with big asses and nice tah tah's (TMI), and power to dictate and control, was the "perfect" or "destined" life for me.  

After this latest lesson, I found simplicity in relationships, managing money more profitably than making money and blowing it, and not viewing human beings as objects to be used, inconsiderately, are what my dream life really desires.  My ego was feeding me a lot of bottom line common man bullshit, and if I hadn't seen the need to start with humility by doing the steps again, I wouldn't have progressed past the pain.

The first step is all about humility, and a lot of that "victory" is getting over the fear that others will judge you or look at you strange if you don't drink.  My experience is if the people are the God that is a problem, however God wants us to stop drinking so he can guarantee the best life ever for us alcoholics, if we let people become our God's, then we have to fight the pride necessary to impress our fellow man, or to get what we think we deserve.  My God believes I deserve to be sober, sane, and alcohol-free, and that is very humbling.  

After I experience that humility I can see how miserable I was when drinking, and it seems impractical to repeat the behavior of drinking when I can admit misery comes along and won't leave if I do drink.  

I am not interested in the business of misery today, however I am interested in those invested and lead by humility, and for that I am sin very grateful.