Hey Magenta

Nice to meet you. i relate so much to your story. I have the same family background and have worked through Codie behaviour etc. I drank to overcome those feelings, feelings of emptiness, fakeness- just a hole in my chest really. I reached out to everyone and drank to cover the loneliness and eventually stopped socialising with anyone and just drank.

I understand your focus on family, I spent years doing that as well- focusing on the codie perfection family background and not wanting to pay any attention to the drinking in my life. Funnily enough with stopping drinking I have really been able to handle the codie behaviour more and as you have probably read in Codie books etc that the behaviour is often highly linked to addiction or coming from a family with addiction.

Have you ever thought of attending an AA meeting or a SMART recovery meeting to address your drinking?

I have found AA invaluable to face my drinking and codie behaviours. You will be surprised how closely linked they are.

I used to attend a CODA meeting and the AA meeting was held afterwards. I stayed around one day to have a listen and realised I had been in the wrong room!

Looks like you just did start by finding us here. Welcome to the group.

2 you we welcome you here...it is all about putting the plug in the jug isn't it?
hugs bill

Hi, I was real fortunate to get sober in Fla in the 80's ..personally I'd suggest Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and the fellowship over Internet interaction any day!! Real people are a comfort :)
Billy

Magenta You're still a good person. Dont let anyone tell you different. The thing youre not understanding is that youre a sick person. Alcoholism is a disease much like diabetes. There is no cure for alcoholism. There is a solution but there is no cure. We suffer from a disease of the body mind and spirit. Willpower alone has never worked in the treatment of alcoholism. A lot of us here have found the solution in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. You will find women and men in those rooms that have suffered from this disease much in the manner that you are.We have found that treating alcoholism with the help of another alcoholic is not only effective but logical.I suggest that you try a womens meeting of AA. The help and understanding that one alcoholic to another has proven invaluable. There is no reason to make yourself any less of a person. You seem to have a good heart and you tru7ly care about yourself. Go seek some help that you can embrace . Changing your behaviour is key to changing your mind. AA offers that to you with open arms and a caring that surpasses all human understanding.Be patient with yourself. Greg

Welcome:) By you coming here is a great first step.
Being depressed and having a drinking problem seems to magnify both and they fuel off each other. Like others have suggested you might try AA meetings and get into a good support group. You may want to seek medical advice concerning depression. Having an empty nest and feeling so alone does not help, it's not weak to need help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Welcome. Seems like your post resonated with others and I'm no exception!
My mom in particular is similar. It had to be perfect and "nice" or she didnt want to know, see, hear it.
AA has been invaluable to me too. Its not always a smooth ride, but its a conscious ride and there are tools when I reach for them. There are people with similar stories who I can relate to and who are willing and able to tell me about their experience, stregnth and hope they've gained not by avoiding or being ashamed by their alcoholism and/ or shortcomings/ and or "horror stories" but by embracing them, moving through them, and using them to help other alcoholics.
So stick around:) and maybe check out an AA meeting in "real life?" Good luck.

Hello Magenta111,

I am sorry to hear about the challenging times you are having but please keep your hopes up because there is a way that you can turn your life around.

Progressively drinking more and more is a feature of alcohol addiction and things can go downhill pretty quickly. Although I drank heavily for a long time I still believe that I had some element of control over alcohol, until the last two or three years. Then there was certainly not even a semblance of control, because of the rapid progression of the illness. Once that happened there was no chance that I would beat it on my own and eventually I got as far as AA.

Without Alcoholics Anonymous I would have remained completely ignorant of the fact that there was a process that I could follow that would allow me to recover from alcoholism. Today I understand that obsession for alcohol very well and I know that even some miracle of science would be unlikely to cure my alcoholism. I know that if I drank again I would quickly fall back into drinking in the same manner and for the same reasons as before. In order to lose that obsession and to discover a formula that would give me a good chance of avoiding a return to old ways it was necessary for me to make some changes and they are changes that I would never accomplish without the help of a sponsor and AA.

Reading your post reminds me of some of those things I had to change and thankfully I can now reflect on it from a much better place. I believe that what has worked for me and for a multitude of other people would work equally well for you. My suggestion to you is to go to AA meetings with a determination to reclaim your life from alcohol. Losing the obsession for alcohol is a huge step forward but there are so many more additional benefits that you can get along the way. The loss of loneliness, a feeling of being useful, accepting that everything does not have to be perfect, not being concerned with what other people think or say about you, knowing and accepting that you are a good person those are just a few of the seemingly impossible dreams that you can turn into reality.

You have worked hard and raised your family and this is your time of life so please do something to allow yourself to make the most of it. Make a decision that regardless of what your family or anyone else may say or think that you will do it for YOU and go to an AA meeting. You will be amazed by how you can change your life and turn it around, but you need to really want it more than anything else. Remember that alcoholism is an illness and as you have seen it gets progressively worse. Dont waste a moment longer. Get to an AA meeting and begin the journey to recovery and peace of mind.

Wow, your story reminds me where I was four months ago.
A kind soul pointed out to me where I was in the Big Book
A lot has change in my life in such a short time.

This is where I was

Is this how you feel...The Bedevilments

We were having trouble with personal relationships,
we couldn't control our emotional natures,
we were prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living,
we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear,
we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people --
was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important . . .?
Of course it was.

2001 AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p 52
With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services,Inc.

Thank you for posting that Gnon - I needed to see that again.