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I would be very grateful to receive any of your wise advice, I am currently separated from my husband and need to make firm plans regarding our near future.
I have been married for 20 years to a high functioning alcoholic (the last 3 years have become more unpredictable and explosive).
My daughter and I moved out of our family home after an incident that was a new low. My husband refused to leave our home and we have been living in short term accommodation while we tried marriage counseling. Unfortunately we worked with someone who was not an addiction specialist and she caused damage to any hope of progress as she did not want to mention the alcohol during our sessions.
I am currently in individual counseling with an addictions specialist, which has given me some insight into the challenges sober spouses encounter, but my daughter and I need to move out of our current living situation in two weeks. I need to let him know that I would like him to move out while we move back in. I wrote him one letter and had a friend read it, she said it was too emotional and I needed to state facts with him but I'm having trouble finding the words.
The reason it would be wisest for my daughter and I to move back home while he moves out is simply one of frugality and pet care. He earns the higher wage, he doesn't like the cats, he would have no trouble finding a rental and proving income, he could move close to work and not have to put miles on his car, it all makes sense to me - HOWEVER - I think our house has become a part of his addiction - part of his routine.
I have done a pretty good job of letting go of my expectations of him. I understand that he is very ill. I am trying to be as kind as I can- while making sure that I am doing the best job at taking care of my daughter and myself.
Thank you for any advice you can offer! I'll take anything you got :)
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
My husband and I agreed that we would not seek legal counsel unless we told each other as we have not decided to divorce yet. I need help with that first conversation - "I think you should move out because it's the cheapest option" (it truly is). If he says no then I will have no choice but to let him know that I need to seek legal counsel . Sadly that will be a necessity as I will have to receive alimony to prove that my income is 3 times the rent of any apartment we find. I keep trying to write simply as I know that it doesn't really matter how I say it, nothing I do is right in his eyes. I'm usually pretty eloquent, but with him....I can't find the words.
The reason it would be wisest for my daughter and I to move back home while he moves out is simply one of frugality and pet care. He earns the higher wage, he doesn't like the cats, he would have no trouble finding a rental and proving income, he could move close to work and not have to put miles on his car.
Good luck
How about getting someone who is not involved in the dispute to broker a meeting between you and your husband, maybe a clergyman or family friend? Alternatively, you can go back to what you were going to do before and write that letter.
In writing the letter, try to stick to the facts and avoid the temptation to blame your husband as that will only get his defence up and make him want to resist. When you are finished writing, go over it again with a critical eye and take out anything that is not directly relevant to getting you and your daughter back into your home. You could number your points and write short paragraphs as that will keep the message more focused.
Try to be kind but you need to be firm (steadfast) at the same time. You don’t have to threaten your husband but you could mention that it would be in the interest of both of you to get legal assistance.
When you finish writing, do nothing with your letter until the next day. Then go over it again and you may want to make a few changes. No need to find words that are any better than what you have posted here as you have told the story very well. Perfection is not required here but action is important.
If my wife had not put her foot down and taken action, I might not be here today writing this to you. She literally saved my life! Although we are divorced today, we remain very good friends who support one another in all of life's endeavors.
It all begins with an attorney who might charge you $25 or so to write your husband a letter telling him he has such and such time to move out. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
God Bless
bobinmaine, I am so glad you are still here to offer your advice and share your story. I think that is probably my hope beyond hope, that my husband will hit his rock bottom soon enough to do something about it!
I will write my letter and let you know how it goes!
Unfortunately I have already reached the place where my husband is unpredictable and combative. He does not remember his actions from the night before and when I tell him, he says he remembers and that I'm over reacting. He has gradually made me feel like I'm worthless.
I left with my daughter the first time that he crossed a physical boundary by throwing something in to my face. My daughter called the police after he refused to leave.
We could have insisted he move out, but I had the opportunity to live in a friend's apartment and it made the most sense at the time as I had no idea how angry he was going to be about us calling the police and it seemed best that he had no keys to where we were living.
Sadly, as he is a high functioning alcoholic, he views me as the problem. In the 3 months since we left he insists that me feeling unsafe is BS and that I'm being defiant by not coming home. I have not prevented any visitation with my daughter, as long as he doesn't drink around her and no overnight visits. He has made less and less effort to see her. She has noticed his tremors have become worse.
I'm so incredibly sad that my husband is lost in this tragic world of addition. But I do understand finally that I can't fix it. I can only do what's best for me and my daughter and hope that he will realize he has a problem.
I'm so very thankful.