Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Clearly, since I am asking the question, I know there is an issue with my husband's drinking. Prior to our marriage, I knew my husband had two DUI's- both he got during college. I know he was a big drinker/partier in college, and I certainly drank more in college than I ever had before. But once I graduated, I stopped drinking so much and weekend nights went from dancing at the bar and getting drunk with my friends, to respectable dinner parties and nights at nice restaurants or classy bars where we would all be sober enough to drive home. And I thought that's what everybody else did, too. And my husband seemed like he was doing the same thing. Now, there was the occassional time where he would get a little extra drunk, and I honestly didn't have an issue with that. It was always at an "appropriate event" (spending time with friends, tailgating- not a family party, etc.) and it was maybe 2-3 times per year. We are still in our twenties so it seemed ok. Except now, he's getting that drunk maybe 1-2 times per month, which is not ok to me (blacking out by the end of the night, passing out from drinking so much, etc.). An 'accident' just doesn't happen that often.
We discussed drinking early in our relationship, and he said that he doesn't enjoy getting drunk to the point of passing out or blacking out, but he does enjoy beer and enjoys drinking in moderation and having fun. He always drank more than I did, but he is over 100 pounds heavier and can hold a lot more alcohol than I ever could because of his size. But I didn't have a problem with that as long as he stayed sober enough. My brother is a recovering alcoholic, and it really bothers me to be around my husband when he is so drunk. He gets aggressive and abraisive usually, or if I disagree with him on anything, he gets unreasonably angry with me. And it's just absolutely annoying- there is nothing enjoyable about having your husband passed out when the rest of our friends are still awake and functioning and I see our friends interacting with their spouses and mine is asleep on the couch because he drank 15 beers and is not unconscious. His best friend is a very heavy drinker, so it makes my husband feel like his heavy drinking is ok, even though they do not spend too much time together anymore. And when I confront my husband about it, and mentioned how he said he doesn't enjoy getting this drunk at the beginning of our relationship, all I heard were excuses. He said he works hard all week and doesn't drink when it's just the two of us or just a few people because there's nothing fun about getting drunk by yourself. But when we get a big group together, he says it's fun to relax and not worry and let loose and then he gets blacked out. And he basically never gets hung over so there are no "negative consequences" for him. Except for the fact that I feel that I was essentially lied to at the beginning of our relationship and I'm not happy. I dread weddings and gatherings with friends because I know what is going to happen- it makes me nauseous to see my husband that drunk and I feel like he'd rather spend the night having fun with his alcohol than spend it with me. I don't know if I'm overreacting because of what I went through for 15 years with my brother (that's what he tells me- which I think is him shifting the blame), or how I can cope with this. We are newly married and since this is only an issue abouth 1-2 times a month, it's not like it constant. But it is taking a big toll on me and I need something to stop. And I don't know what to do or where to go.
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Whether your husband is an alcoholic or not I cannot say for certain but he is certainly engaged in addictive behaviour and if I had to bet on it I would say that he is in fact an alcoholic.
I recognise the pattern very well from my own drinking days. Even though I drank heavily from the start, it found a sort of “acceptable” level, to my mind at least. However, like your husband I would go really overboard with it now and again. The thing is, those big sessions became a lot more frequent as time went on until eventually I drank more or less all day, every day. It was the progression of alcoholism but I didn’t know that at the time, and besides I wasn’t an alcoholic like a lot of other people I knew (LOL).
When other people become concerned, as you are now, there is usually a good reason. However, to the alcoholic, it is usually those other people who have it wrong. The good thing is that you are no longer having the wool pulled over your eyes and you are starting to see through what is happening. His drinking is not in any way your fault but you may in fact be contributing to the problem by being an enabler. You are not different to many other spouses of alcoholics in that respect as most end up making the same mistakes while trying their best to handle a difficult problem. You need to learn more about the correct way to act and you need support and that is why I would beg you to go to Al-Anon without delay.
I hope to post some good information from Al-Anon on the subject of enabling over the coming days so watch out for that. Your husband’s drinking is taking a big toll on you and it will get worse. You may not be able to get him to stop drinking but you can preserve your own health and sanity. Don’t delay, act now.
I never grew up. I might have those ugly binges once every 3-4 months.
But it got worse. Much worse. I never got a DUI or lost a job, but nearly every wedding and every event because a drunken blacked out mess. This was in my 20s.
Marriage didn't slow me down. Having a first kid didn't. Having a second kid didn't. Getting divorced didn't. Getting remarried didn't. Having a third kid didn't.
Only myself, at the age of 41, tired of apologizing and embarrassing my wives and kids did I say enough is enough. It was a long hard road.
I had made the last excuse, made my last denial. I tried many times to find the reason - hard liquor, didn't eat enough, not enough sleep, too much wine, beer that was too strong and not my normal "bud light." It always came down to the last drink. Why did I have that last drink.
What i learned, with the help of AA, is that it's the first drink that gets me drunk. It's the first one to start that roller coaster ride.
Before you say, "my husband isn't that bad," I will tell you that there were many times where I had 2-3 beers and didn't become a spectacle, but I developed an obsession. And my first wife was like you. She knew how to stop after college. I kept drinking long after she stayed asleep.
A doctor once told me to stop drinking for 6 months to heal my fatty liver. I did without skipping a beat. As soon as I got the green light, I was worse than before.
I would be scared shitless if I had gotten a DUI. Maybe it would have made me stop earlier. To have two in your 20s is a scary thing.
He can only quit at his desire. But you can have the conversation. Before you do, i reccommend reading the section in the AA big book called "To Wives." It's free online. It will give you insight to what you may be up against.
Alcoholics don't like being told to stop. I was verbally abuse and berated my ex and current wife when they tried to interfere with my fun. Be prepared.
If he's alcoholic, and it sounds like there's a chance he is, I only hope he figures it out long before I did.
At 44, my life is wonderful, but it could have been incredible if I had quit many years earlier. I chose to live like a 21 year old until I was 40! Huge mistake.
Now you can see what the alcohol is doing to your husband, but look at what his drinking is doing to YOU!
You need alot of support for yourself and I hope and pray that you have enough love for yourself to seek out that support. Alanon is a great place to find that support. You can google meetings in your area. I have been to them in the past and seen miracles occur in the lives of those you attend. I highly recommend!
In the meantime, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless.